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    Thursday, May 24, 2007

    Life As A Fat Gurl

    I've been thinking about living in this world as a super morbidly obese person. It's not something that is talked about much. It's a taboo subject to most.

    After having lost over 120 pounds, I still size up a chair to see if I think it will collapse under my weight or if my ample backside will fit into it. I panic when asked to sit in a booth in a restaurant. I'm sure I'll get stuck and have to be extracted by the jaws of death, er... life.

    I can't tell you how many times I've backed out of a room so that people wouldn't notice my huge derriere.

    I pull my seat belt all the way out to make sure it will fit around my rotund belly. I'm afraid to try to get into small cars for fear of not being able to get in and out without causing a scene.

    When shoe shopping, I still look for shoes that slip on because I know I'll have to hold my breath as I bend over to tie them. If I have shoes that tie, I leave them loosely tied so I can slip my feet easily into them. Never mind that they are flopping off my feet and I'll probably trip.

    Showering poses the fear that I won't be able to reach all the places that need attention and I'll be a smelly fat person.

    Plans were made ahead of time to map out my route when I knew I had to go somewhere that required lots of walking. I didn't want to have to backtrack since it would be hard enough just getting what I needed without having to add unwanted steps. When you are morbidly obese, every step you take is harder than the last. It's frustrating because you know how pathetic you are.

    I worked harder than anyone for fear that someone would call me lazy. I knew they could call me fat, but I made sure that the mantra wouldn't be fat AND lazy.

    I'm happy to report that all of the above are in my past. I wish I could train my brain not to obsess over fat thoughts. I still spend much of my day worrying about my obesity. I hope that some day I'll learn to focus my neurosis on something else.

    17 comments:

    Top cat said...

    jenn thank you for your open and honest post.
    I'm certain over time these thoughts of your past will fade away and you will be able to fully embrace the way you are now.
    tc

    Felicia said...

    Your singing my fat song there sister. I was just blogging about this... How no matter how much we have changed "the fat gurl" brain is still there and in power. Is it changing? YUP but sure is taking its own sweet time doing it. I think as time goes by though we will think about it less and less as life gets fuller and fuller of stuff that reminds us that we are no longer the "fat gurls" anymore. *HUGS* =0)

    Mimi said...

    Dont quit until the miracle happens....it has happened and can happen for you. I am so inspired by your courage.

    Chrissie said...

    Wow, I'm glad your feelin better n stuff... none of that sounds fun... yay for you its in the past!

    Bella said...

    It's my first time visiting here. I'm really enjoying your blog, I'll be back.

    MilkMaid said...

    Wow Jenn....very honest and open. I'll be glad when the neurosis is focused on other things for you too.

    I've been here with a few of them, I'll add sitting in a bathtub, afraid I'd have to ask for help up.

    Manny said...

    You are the most rockinest person I know.

    Kristen said...

    This took courage to post.....

    You're strength and determination shine though.

    buddha_girl said...

    This entire 'getting your head on straight' thing is going to be a life-long battle. I'm on year four next month...and still fight the good fight each day. Today, someone mentioned that I'd been able to 'eat more' than what she'd seen me capable of eating a year ago.

    I immediately thought 'FAT.' I fiddled with myself for an hour before finally asking her if I looked like I'd be packing on the pounds. She said no, but I felt it the anxiety long after I'd heard her answer.

    G-Man said...

    THAT story is soooo in the past!!

    Ive sat at the same table with you Jenn.
    You are Hot beyond belief!
    Your smile Lights up the whole room!!!
    You are indescribably Delicious!!
    You deserve all compliments sent your way.. G-Man xoxoxoxox

    BTExpress said...

    I think that kind of thinking will take a while to get rid of.

    I'm proud of both of you!

    barman said...

    I see a lot of what I do in that. I rarely sit on someones lawn furniture because I do not want to deal with the embarrassment of destroying it. Booths, if the table in the middle does not move it can be a problem. Yep, been there, done most. No fun.

    Glad you are not longer a member. Your mind with catch up with you eventually.

    evalinn said...

    Thank u for this post. As a former eating disordered person, I can relate to this. I´ll definitely visit your place again.

    lime said...

    thanks for being honest about the thoughts you've struggled with. that's one of the great things about this blog thing. you can educate us and we can return needed support. you've made some very serious headway! you go girl!

    Fridaysweb said...

    I wonder if you ever check back posts for more comments. I just saw this. I can so relate to this - especially the furniture one. Before I lost a lot of weight (but not enough, imnsho), I'd always freak when looking at lawn furniture and all that cute and funky fad furniture (think papasan chairs). I'd look the chairs up and down, round and round, trying to find the little tag with the "weight limit" thing on it. If it didn't have a tag, I didn't consider it. All I could think of was how embarrassing it would be for a chair to collapse under me. I think that's why I tell fat jokes - because I WAS for so long. (still am, sorta) Is it really okay for one to tell jokes relating to something not-so-nice just because you belong to that group? Like Carlos Mencia's jokes about "beaners" and Eddie Murphy's jokes about...well, ya know. I think you're the bees knees, Doll. You inspire a lot of people, even when you don't think so.

    What the Chuck said...

    Hi Jenn,

    I'm so glad you're starting this conversation-- because it's one that America needs to have. As morbid obesity increases, we have to find ways to talk about it that are non-destructive to the people involved.

    Just back from Austria, it is so obvious that we live a life that does nothing but add fat. We don't walk anywhere. Our plates have super-sized places for food. We go to restaurants where they stuff us alive. Coke is sold in 64 oz. Big Gulps.

    As someone that has battled with weight myself, and now stays in good shape through extensive exercise and moderating my eating, I found it so amazing how much easier it is to stay thin in Europe. So much more walking, and more reasonable portions.

    Keep talking, Jenn! You're one of my favorite blog-people!

    XOXO

    Chuck

    cadbury_vw said...

    this was a really eye-opening post

    i knew how i felt when i was heading toward obesity (but i only really kicked the tires before losing), but this is different

    thank-you for writing this