This Is How My Heart Breaks...

So, yeah, long absence again. A lot is going on in my life. I've been leery to post anything. I didn't even tell you all that I was published in a book this past December because of this blog. I was pretty excited, but trying to explain the book to non bloggers proved impossible. You can see the page I'm quoted on here.

I had to take on a second job. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world part time and still doing sign work. My new job consists of being the Safety Assistant. This job is agricultural and I have roots there so it's good to get back to them. I work two 10 hour days there and the other three days in the sign shop. So now I'm Safety/Signgurl.

Yeah, that's a Wintersteiger combine behind me. It's bad ass and German!!

My weight keeps me struggling. I resigned myself to the fact that I will be 15 pounds heavier in the winter. I tried to continue walking and ended up hurting my back when I slipped on the ice. The injury put me out of work for a week. I still weigh myself every day and my mood depends on what that stupid scale says. Most days it tells me what a fat piece of crap I am. Losing over 200 pounds and I still feel like a fat blob. I wish I could get some of that confidence I had a while back. At one point, I felt like I could take on the world. I'm working my way back to that feeling.

This next part will be hard for me to write. In fact, some would tell me not to write it, but I'm gonna anyway. I've struggled with loneliness. No one can understand who hasn't truly been alone, as in get up alone, work and come home to no one for a week at a time. THAT is being alone. I dated and met a few nice guys. Once I met one that I enjoyed spending all of my time away from my kids with I decided it was time to introduce him to my kids. (We have been dating since October.) Let's just say that the first time they met things were great. But the next time, since he lives an hour away, I told him to stay at our house and he slept in my bed. This did not go over well with the girls. They have both decided that they would rather live with their dad (who is living an alternative lifestyle *wink*) . To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I have never been hurt as deeply as my own children have hurt me. I shut down completely. I didn't eat or talk to anyone for 2 days. I needed to be alone to get those ugly feelings out. I needed to cry and yell and scream without anyone judging me. My kids have been my life for almost 18 years. I am lost without them.


My issue with all of this is why is it ok for their dad to see whomever he wants but when mom decides to bring someone home, she is a disrespectful mother. A friend reminded me that I have always been the rock and since dad decided to change completely, they looked to me to keep things the way they had always been. They cannot see me happy with anyone other than their father.

Thankfully, the "guy" was able to convince me to get up and dust myself off. He told me that I was a g00d mother (my mom says that too, but she's my mom so she has to). He showed me that he was there for me. He saved my life.

I know I've made mistakes with my girls. I tell them that daily. I'm going to make more. I now realize that this is all just a game to two teenagers who didn't give a lot of thought to the feelings of the person who loves them more than anyone in this world could. They are teens so I have to forgive them for they know not what they do.

So, this is how my heart breaks and will hopefully be mended soon.

This & That

You may have noticed that I haven't been around much lately. I can't seem to bring myself to even turn on the computer. The only reason I did so today was to check my bank balance.

I'm not depressed or anything like that. I've been out living life instead of writing about it.

It's not like there has been a shortage of things to blog about. We had major tornadoes that touched down a mile from our house on Friday. The girls and I were upstairs getting ready to go to a party and I could hear what sounded like a freight train. I screamed, "GET TO THE BASEMENT"! Lucky for us, it missed us. We were still able to go to the party, although the hosts had no electricity and still don't. We had to detour about 8 miles to get around power lines and trees that were across the road.

I'm having a bit of a hard time coming to grips with my place in the hierarchy of relationships. I've always been the fat friend/daughter/mother. I realized this weekend at the second party I attended, that I have no idea where I fit anymore. I've always outweighed my best friend by at least 100+ pounds. Now she outweighs me by 40 pounds. I see the look in her eyes when she looks at me. I know the look well. It's the look of hopelessness and devastation at not being able to control an aspect of your life.

My friend isn't really sure how to talk to me anymore. It's so strange because I haven't changed who I am, only how I look, or have I?. I'm still the same friend who's been there to listen to every tear drop. How can I convince her that it's me, when I'm not sure she still sees me as her best friend.

I hate that people feel badly about themselves because I remind them that they have a weight problem. I used to make people feel good about themselves because they weighed less than I did.

Maybe I have changed. I do have more self confidence. I don't look down when I walk, keeping my eyes straight ahead, taking on the world instead of hiding from it. I guess that does mean I've changed. I only hope it's for the better.

A Day At The Beach

We took the family on a 3 hour round trip to see the frozen waves on Lake Michigan. The windchill was -1 degree.

(Click pictures to enlarge)

Lighthouse and pier

We forgot the chairs.

Maybe we need a (snow) shovel

Is this Antarctica?

Wait, Mom! Don't leave us!
(If you enlarge this picture, you can see
the snow blowing sideways.)

We found a new home.

The abominable blue snowwoman.

We missed the ice festival by one day.

The waves were frozen at least a mile out from the shore. It seemed strange to be at a place where we are usually so hot. In the summer it's not uncommon to have 90 + degree temperatures.

I know that I would never have ventured out on the ice before losing the weight I have (yes, I still have a long way to go). I'm proud of the fact that I didn't hesitate to do something so memorable with my girls.

Missing Food

A friend asked me yesterday if I miss certain foods. To be honest, I haven't really thought about the things I can't eat, like sugar. I'm so focused on finding something that will meet my protein needs that I hadn't given a thought to eating the junk I used to. Focusing on the positives has always been a goal for me.

At lunch yesterday, I had about a 1/2 an ounce of pulled pork from my friend's plate and I could only eat half of the cup of soup I had ordered. My friend was amazed at how little it took for me to get full.

The jeans I bought not even two weeks ago look huge on me. When I tried them on they fit slightly tightly (that was fun to say). Now they bag in the legs and resemble clown pants. *sigh* Even though I haven't dropped that much weight lately, I can really notice inches lost.

Poof! 80 Pounds Gone!

As of this morning, I have officially lost exactly 80 pounds! I lost 18 pounds in the two weeks before surgery. That makes 62 pound since surgery on October 25, 2006, just over 3 months ago. Can you tell I'm a little excited?

I'm feeling great these days. I feel almost human. I've noticed that people hold doors for me again instead of slamming them in my face when I'm only a few feet behind them. I'm saddened to think that people somehow think that because I'm fat, I don't deserve to be treated well. I try to treat everyone as I would like to be treated.

I'm reminded of the things I have gained along this journey. One of them is more freedom of movement. I find I'm less winded when walking and sometimes look back to where I have been in awe. I walk all over and don't even realize it. My knees feel slightly better when traversing the stairs but they are still not 100% yet.

I've had to move the seat forward in my van and also drop the steering wheel.

I can easily get in and out of bed and wake up feeling refreshed instead of exhausted.

I can stand all day long at my job and not feel like I can't move at the end of the day.

I realize I have a long way to go but the benefits I already see are amazing!

Shopping

I had to buy some new jeans yesterday. I would rather go to the dentist than go to the mall but that is what I was forced to do today.

I found my favorite jeans, (5 sizes smaller) a bra and new underwear. All for $42. Bonus!!

When the clerk was ringing up my purchase, she tried to talk me into buying another pair of jeans. I politely told her that I don't want to buy more since I've been losing weight. She asked how and I told her that I had weight loss surgery. Her response was, "So you cheated then?" I was so mad but tried to compose myself. "I'd say what I did was anything but cheating. Do you have any idea of how hard this whole thing is? It's not some magic potion that does the work for you," I said sheepishly.

Her next comment was that Randy Jackson from American Idol had it done and now he's gained all of his weight back. I let her know that he has not gained back all of his weight, only some.

Why do people want to make others feel like crap? I guess it makes them feel less miserable about themselves.

While I was in another store, I caught a glimpse of someone staring at me. It took me a second to realize that I was looking into a mirror! I didn't even recognize myself for a minute. That was a weird moment.

Protein

One of the most important nutritional goals for weight loss surgery patients is to maintain protein levels somewhere between 60-100 grams per day. For the last couple of weeks I've been able to hit 60 using the protein shakes.

The issue with making the shake thicker is that I can only drink a small amount at a time so adding things to them is not an option. The shakes consist of skim milk, yogurt and protein powder. I'll have to use less milk if I use any at all.

The protein levels in my blood are a mixed bag. My albumin (protein in the blood) levels were a tad bit on the low side but nothing to be concerned about. My overall protein levels were right where they should be.

The dietician believes that my caloric intake is too low and that it may be causing my headaches. Apparently, 400-600 calories a day is making me malnourished. I do know that the days where I get more calories allow me to lose weight the next day.

I the headaches don't get better this week I will have to go see Dr. Googly Eyes. Yesterday I started having vertigo when I move my head too quickly. Weird.

3 Month Weighloss Checkup

The checkups led to some good news and some bad. Let's get the bad out of the way first.

The dietician spanked me for eating soup. I eat soup for lunch every day since we eat out and I can get it in a 1 cup size. Weighloss surgery patients are not allowed to eat any liquid calories. The reason for this is that liquids will not stay in our small stomachs which leads to hunger quicker. The rule is that if you were to put a substance in a funnel and it goes through immediately, you should not eat (or drink) it. This also applies to my awesome protein shake I make myself for breakfast every day. She did say I could use less liquid to make it thicker. I'm so bummed because I'm finally getting all the protein I need in. She doesn't want me to have it for breakfast, but for a late snack instead. Her reasoning for this is that she wants whatever you eat for breakfast to stick with you longer. I'm going to continue with the shakes until I find I'm not losing weight.

Mr. Sign spoke with the exercise psysiotherapist first. He's all gung ho to continue with his gym training (he goes every day). This made me look like a bum since I'm doing some leg lifts and band training. The exercise guy was very cool about my plan. I was so embarrassed because my stomach decided to rebel right in the middle of our appointment. Luckily, there was a bathroom close by. I think it was nerves.

Bad news for Mr. Sign came in that he will probably have to have his gall bladder removed within the next 3 months. He was told to watch how he's feeling very closely.

Now for the good news! We have both lost a total of 76 pounds each. His BMI (body mass index) has decreased by 9% and mine by 10%. I have lost 10 inches in both my hips and belly.

The really good news! My blood test results are back.

• My cholesterol is 115 (less than 200 is normal)
  
• HDL 26 (greater than 59 is normal [he didn't mention anything about this being too low so I don't know])
  
• LDL 80 (less than 100 is normal)
  
• triglycerides 45 (less than 150 is normal)

We were both shown a picture of ourselves from when we started this journey. I had a hard time looking at mine. It's a place I never want to go again. The physician's assistant remarked that we both had noticable physical changes. (I still don't see mine.)

To this day, I haven't regretted for a minute that I had weightloss surgery.

Milestones

I have tried not to post too much about my weightloss here. Even though it's the focus of my life right now, I don't want to bore people. I do have a place where I post that stuff that will remain confidential until I feel like I can share it.


So, today I have reached a couple of milestones:

• I have lost 75 pounds, the most I've ever lost at one time.
  

• I weigh less now than I have in over 10 years.

• The jeans I am wearing are 5 sizes smaller.

• My bra band size has gotten smaller while the cup size has remained the same.

• Mr. Sign convinced me to walk around the entire mall. We ended up going twice around. (I could barely make it from the parking lot to the door without breaking a sweat before.)
  

• Sex is amazing when there is less of both of us.

I realize that most of you are astounded by losing 75 pounds in just over 3 months. That's a huge amount. I made no bones about the fact that I had a lot to lose. I still have lots more to go.

Food Addict?

Weightloss surgery has made forced me to look at my past eating habits. Most obese people will tell you that they eat food for comfort. They are emotional eaters. Food is the one and only friend that doesn't treat them poorly (at first, but then the pounds are packed on). The vicious cycle is that the more one eats, the worse they feel.

Given my somewhat turbulent childhood, one would think that I should fall into the above category. What I'm realizing is that I'm not an emotional eater. I never have been. I have never found that food eased my pain. In times of stress, I go into starvation mode.

I had a hard time convincing the weighloss center behaviorist that I was not an emotional eater. Instead of individualizing each patient, he was using stereotypes that I did not fall into.

The behaviorist wanted to know how someone could become morbidly obese without being an emotional eater. I explained that after giving birth to two children and taking care of two terminally ill in-laws, I had focused on everyone except myself. As a mother, I gave every ounce of myself to being the best I could be always putting the babies first. This meant that I didn't really put much thought into what I was putting into my body.

I had to take a look at genetics as well. I come from beefy stock on both sides. I found a picture of my great grandfather's sisters. I am built exacly like the herd.

Metabolism needs to be factored in as well. My best friend eats twice as much as I do and can't believe how little I actually eat (she has travelled with me for days being with me 24 hours a day watching what I eat).

I'm not saying that I don't like food, because obviously I do. I have found myself eating because I was bored and the food was there. I grabbed whatever was easy and close by. I have a bad habit of going all day without eating anything until 7 o'clock at night. At that point, you better get out of my way because I'm going to eat anything and everything. When you wait so long to eat, you just stuff the food in and have no idea of when your body is actually full until it's too late.

Weightloss surgery has given me the chance to make friends with my body. I'm learning to listen to it. I now eat slowly and savor every bite.

I was told that the disconnect from food would be hard after surgery. One woman told me that life after surgery was the hardest thing she had ever done. She feels cheated that she can't eat whatever she wants to. What I've found is that don't miss the terrible things I was putting into my body. I feel a sense of relief for not feeling guilt about what I choose to eat. I know I need to work hard now as the weightloss window is only about 18 months. In this time, I have to set good eating habits that will follow me for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow's His Big Day

Tomorrow morning, Mr. Sign and I have to be at the hospital (1 hour drive) at 7am. I'm more nervous for him than I was for myself. I've never stopped to think about what life would be like without him. I've known him for almost half my life. He's been with me through thick and thin in the literal sense. No matter what I looked like, he's always loved me. He has tried to shelter me from hurtful outside sources as any protector would.

I'm excited about what life will be like for both of us and our girls. We will be healthier and hopefully happier.

Best wishes to you, Mr. Sign. I love you with all of my heart.

Little Victories

Here's a list of little victories I have encountered since gastric bypass surgery:

• The steering wheel in my car is much further away now. I had to move my seat forward and lower the wheel.

• While Christmas shopping, I realized I had walked the entire store twice over without even thinking twice. Before surgery, I would have made a map so as to only hit the areas I needed. Otherwise I would have been exhausted just walking from the parking lot.

• I no longer look for the closest parking space.
  

• Instead of looking down while walking, I hold my head high.

• I don't plan my next meal while my mouth is still full of the previous meal.

• My jeans are 2 (almost 3) sizes smaller.

• I weigh less now (2 months post op) than I have in over 10 years.

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I thought I'd share some pictures of our Christmas decorations.

A good friend had this sent to me.

This present is for me. I wonder what it is?

My favorite ornaments are the ones the girls made.

My stepdad (he's also my boss) gave me this.

Our tree. Someone needs to help Santa Bear (on the bottom left).

I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas. May the holiday be everything you hoped for.

Weight Loss Update

I can't believe it's been 6 weeks (tomorrow) since I had Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. Time sure does fly.

I didn't get to see the excersise therapist as he was ill. I was looking forward to finding something to help keep muscle tone. I have a major fear about the skin on my thighs.

The dietician cleared me to try anything I would like (within reason). She told me the opposite of what the other dietician told me. She wants me to eat only 3 meals and 1 snack a day instead of 6 small meals. She also told me she would rather see me get the protein in than the water if she had to pick one. I'm still working on both.

I have lost a total of 51 pounds since starting the two week liquid diet. The physician's assistant told me that I was ahead of schedule with that.

The PA scared me a bit as she listened to my heart for over 2 minutes. I've never had someone listen for more than 10 seconds. It seems she heard something suspicious. My heart rhythm was changing when I breathed. I also told her that the numbness in my thigh was no better and no worse. She decided to consult with the surgeon.

Dr. Kemmeter came in an checked my heart and decided that it was a "normal" abnormality for me. I can accept that since I feel great.

He was more concerned about my thigh. He's sending me to a neurologist. He said he's not that concerned but wanted a second opinion. He also told me that he's never referred a patient to a neurologist. So, I think he's more worried than he's letting on. Hopefully, it will subside.

I'm feeling really great physically and mentally. I was thinking about how lucky I am to have had so few problems post op. This new way of life seems to be agreeing with me.

Today Was A Good Day

For the first time in years, I felt good about myself.

It was a beautiful sunny 65 degree day. Maybe it was the warm uncommon weather or maybe it was that I could notice that my clothes are becoming baggy. I put on a pair of jeans that were 8 inches from zipping one month ago.

I smiled all the way to work as the sun shone on my face. I heard several songs that made me feel young again.

It's amazing that shedding 45 pounds in 7 weeks has put a little spring in my step. I already feel that it is easier to move around. I'm loving life and living my own instead of through other people.

Things I'll Do.....

when I lose more weight;

• ride a roller coaster again

• ride a bicycle

• run with my kids

• not have to worry about whether my butt will fit in a chair with arms

• not be the heaviest person in a room

• buy clothes that actually fit

• be able to walk into any store and know that the clothes will fit
  

• not have to use the handicapped restroom stall because the others are so stinkin' small (seriously, how can anyone get into some of them without rubbing up against the toilet?)
  

• not worry about whether the whispers behind me are about me

• have the most incredible sex with Mr. Sign (without "speed bumps", that was the nickname we gave our stomachs during sex)
  

I'm down 45 pounds as of today.

Being Bitchy

I've been thinking about how some of my family treated me (see post below) on Thanksgiving.

I've read so many accounts of people losing weight and "becoming a new person". People around the person losing weight say that losing weight has changed that person. What I've noticed is that the overweight person now chooses not to put up with crap that would have been ignored before.

As overweight people, we tend to let things go by that a normal person wouldn't. We try so hard to make people like us by being agreeable. To make up for our physical shortcomings, we have to put up with a lot of crap.

After this holiday with my family, I saw a side of myslef that I've not seen before. That was me fighting back. I didn't let my displeasure with family's comments go by without letting them know how it made me feel. (I'm sure part of this had to do with PMS.) Before weightloss surgery, I would have gone home and never said a word about being made to feel like crap.

This newfound me is going to be interpreted by others as being bitchy. I guess that being bitchy is acceptable unless you are fat. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Family Holidays

Thanksgiving was hard for me but not for the reason you might think. Food was no problem. I had turkey, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes. I put them on an appetizer plate to make it look more full. I was very satisfied. I didn't snack on anything at the snack table.

Things went south as soon as I entered the door. My grandpa answered the door and immediately let me know that everyone had been watching a video of me taken in 1987. He just couldn't get over how much smaller I used to be. I just let it slide and continued on into the house.

My grandma then made the comment that I was looking better. I wanted to scream, "Better than what?" but instead I said, "I'll take that as a complement even though I'm not sure that's what it was meant to be." I've never talked back to someone who hurt me but I couldn't hold back.

My stepdad then cornered me in the kitchen and was all excited because he had seen the video and he's sure that's what Mr. Sign and I will look like in a year. I had to yell at him (loudly), "I know, I know". I'm sure he meant well even though he's made many rude comments over the years.

All of these incidents happened in about two minutes. I tried to shake them off and have a great day.

Most of the day was spent with all 29 of us looking at old pictures which of course brought up how "thin" I used to be. (I was never, ever thin. I wore a size 13 when I got married.)

As we were cleaning up, the final blow came. I was talking to Mr. Sign about all the rude comments I had endured all day. My mother opened her mouth and said, "I guess the truth hurts." I couldn't hold back and had to yell, "Yeah, mom, that was helpful to me."

I immediately packed up and left without saying goodbye. I had to because I knew I could no longer hold back the tears. I cried all the way home and even after we got there. I was devastated.

Most people wouldn't be hurt by these comments. I expect them from everyone, except my mother. My mom has always been the most supportive person of everything I've done, including my weight. She would take me shopping as I gained weight to try to make me feel better about myself. She's never once made a comment about how much I weigh.

She tried calling as soon as I got home but I was still too upset to talk so I ignored the phone.

A cousin called and talked to Mr. Sign saying how sorry she was about the abuse I had endured that day. (I guess it wasn't just me being emotional.)

Mom called me this morning and chatted like nothing ever happened. That's her way of apologizing. I have never heard her say she was sorry to anyone.

I was reminded of a conversation I had with my weight loss surgeon. He told me to be aware that those closest to me would be the ones who would sabotage my weight loss attempts. I never dreamed he would be so right.

So how was your Thanksgiving?

Cottage Cheese

I've been without internet services since Saturday. Talk about feeling alone! I'm typing this on (gasp!) dial-up. I have no idea how anyone can stand to wait for a page to load. I would have to forget about blogging if I didn't have high speed.

Mr. Sign just called to tell me that the only problem with our internet was that the ISP # changed. Huh? I have no idea how that happened in a matter of hours. I guess it's fixed now.

Today is my 1st day back to work. It's going well. I get tired pretty easily but I'm taking my time.

I had my 2 week post op appointment with the surgeon yesterday. I've lost 34 pounds since I started the 2 week liquid diet. He told me not to gauge my success with the weight loss but also told me I'm ahead of the game for weightloss. Woo hoo!!!

He said we need to wait and see about my leg. He thinks it's a nerve thing too.

Did I mention I have a huge crush on my surgeon? He's so adorable with the most beautiful blue eyes. Oh yeah, he's really nice. The physician's assistant sends me over the edge too. I love his sence of humor and he's a flirt. (This pisses Mr. Sign off.) I guess most people that have weight loss surgery have a special feeling for the person who helped give them a new life.

I got to eat my cottage cheese today (1/4 cup)!!! I know you're all thrilled to hear that. Let me tell you that real food never tasted so good. I'm being very caustious so as not to auto eject anything I eat. I haven't thrown up (yet).