Blogging

I have given a lot of thought recently to blogging. I started blogging over 5 years ago. I never dreamed anyone would give a crap about what I had to say. Blogging gave me the courage to admit things that I wouldn't tell most people. It brought me a mental clarity to realize that my life was not what I wanted it to be. Blogging donated the confidence that I needed to make the changes necessary to set my life in motion. Without it, I'm not sure I would have ever had weight loss surgery.

Blogging has brought me many real life friends that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing without the help of the internet. These relationships are some of the strongest in friendships.

I am currently still in a relationship that began over a year ago. He lives over an hour away so we mostly see each when we can. I'm content with where our relationship is and don't feel the immediate need to change things. I'm enjoying making it on my own. I never dreamed that I would be able to pay my own way in life and make decisions completely alone. It's not as bad as I thought.

The guy doesn't agree with blogging. He thinks that it's an invasion of privacy. I tried to explain that blogging is like pen pals were back in the day when you couldn't wait to hear from your friend from afar. So, out of respect for him, I won't post pictures of him here. What follows are pictures taken during a camping trip last month that we took with my parents. It was 32 degrees but we had a blast despite the weather.

My youngest and me on Suicide Bend at Tippy Dam. Those tiny dots on the river are people fishing for Salmon.

Here we are on top of a metal giant grasshopper statue.

This was a giant fire pit. The focus was supposed to be on the colors behind me in the trees but the photographer (who shall remain nameless) didn't get them in the shot.

This is what 3 days of camping without running water looks like.

If any of you still read this, I thank you for that. I think about you often. :)

Bon Jour!

Well hello there! Yes, G-Man, I realize that I missed my quarterly post. That's because life has been so busy.

Firstly, my girls quickly came to their senses and came home. We worked things out. I think they realize that I am one of the few people in this world who will love them no matter what.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school 18th in a class of almost 300. Not too shabby. Because of her scholastic merits, she was able to get most of her first year of college paid for. In August, we took her 500 miles from home into the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and dumped her into her new life. I was surprised to find that my child, the child who has counted down the days to when she was leaving home since she was 11, was completely homesick. I never expected that, nor did she. She's still working on being a grown up. As she says, "Being an adult sucks!" I am so proud of her. She is an amazing girl.

Lake Superior with my girls

Last dinner as a family


Lake Michigan on the Cut River Bridge on the way home

Now, onto more unpleasant subjects, my weight. I have been struggling desperately with my weight (as you can see in the pictures). I am up 20 pounds from my lowest weight. My weight loss surgeon warned me that he has seen very few weight loss surgery patients that don't gain back at least 20 pounds. I am nearly 4 years out from surgery. Most people begin to gain in the 2nd year. I don't know how I was able to keep it off as long as I have. I know that my eating habits are not what they should be. I've also found that I have been compensating for stress with food. It's really killing me inside. I feel the old fat girl creeping back into my head. I know it affects the way I carry myself. I have no self confidence any more.

I pretty much spend my entire life worrying. I worry about my girls, money, my weight and about my love life. The stress is really getting to me. Being single is a lot of work, but I still have to remember that I made the right decision. I still have my house and recently paid off my van. The day after I paid off my van, my dad hit the front end and did $500 worth of damage.

One of the more worrisome things I have to worry about is my neighborhood. It had been a great neighborhood when I moved in 20 years ago. Unfortunately, many have lost their houses and they have been snatched up by slum lords who rent to drug dealers. On the night of July 4th, the house across the street had a bomb detonated between the two front doors. The front windows and doors were blown off and into my house. You haven't lived until you've heard a bomb at 1:30 AM literally jolt you physically out of bed, only to hear it raining glass on your house. I have never felt panic like that. The woman who lives there was only slightly injured because "Something told her to go into the other room and shut the door". Had she been in her normal spot, she would have been dead. This is not an attempted murder case. This is also one of 3 ongoing court cases revolving around that particular property. These include several different families who have moved in and out. It's pretty crappy when you are scared to death to go home.

So, yes, I am alive and kicking. Struggling, but kicking! I have been blogging for over 5 years. Where does the time go?

Four Years!!

You may have noticed that I've been blogging a bit again as of late. Quite honestly, I've missed putting my brain here for the world to see. Blogging has brought me through some of the most introspective times of my life. Without it, I know wholeheartedly that I wouldn't be where I am today, a nearly divorced, much healthier single mother of two.

Four years ago I was in a terrible place, both mentally and physically. I weighed nearly 400 pounds and knew that my marriage was definitely on the rocks. At that time, Mr. Sign had decided to go back to school which left me with oodles of time on my hands at night. So, I picked up the laptop and started playing on line Scrabble. I tired of that and somehow stumbled onto someone's blog. I read it with trepidation, feeling like I was reading someone's diary and shouldn't have been. I was elated to see that people had left comments on the blog. It took me about a week to get up the courage to try my own hand at writing a blog. The trick was finding anyone who cared to read this crap. Writing was titillating for me and I was excited to have an outlet for my brain waves.

Blogging gave me the strength to realize that I was trapped in a body that I had all but abandoned. Blogging allowed me to see just how completely unhappy I made myself. I hated that body because it held me back from life and all the things I wanted to do, but was physically unable to do. I couldn't run and play with my daughters because I could barely get my own butt out of a chair by myself. I felt terrible for the time I had wasted being fat. Don't get me wrong. I was an active fat person, at least as active as I could be at that weight. I knew people could call me fat, but I would never allow them to call me lazy.

Blogging also brought about a huge revelation for me. It was here that I was able to divulge for the first time, the abuse I had suffered as a child. I spent most of my life trying to block out memories but found that they surfaced at the most inopportune moments. I decided it was time to face facts and get it into the open. I'm still dealing with all of this and the effects it's had on me.

So, four years of my life are here on this blog, and what a four years it's been. I've been up, down, kicked around, but I'm still plugging away. Every day I wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I miss monotony. But, man, am I having fun!

Flash 55, Take 49

Three years had made a difference in her life.
Her world had changed in ways she had never dreamed.

Words on a screen had given her the piece of mind
she needed.

The friends she had made were priceless.
They picked her up when she was down and celebrated
her triumphs.

Happy 3rd blogging anniversary!

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If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today marks my 3rd year of blogging. I cannot imagine my life without it. Blogging gave me the courage to change some things that I really disliked about myself and I'm so grateful for it and all of the amazing friends I have made along the way.

Here is my first post:

Wondering How I Got Here....

Wow, just realizing that life is passing me by and quickly. Seems like just yesterday I was 15. Now I'm approaching middle age! Funny how we become numb to everyday life. Just moving through it but not really living only maintaining.

I have searched my soul and decided to make some changes in my life. I'm attempting to overcome my obsession with food addiction. I have for years stuffed whatever I wanted into my mouth without fearing the outcome. Now it's time to start being responsible for ME.

I'm attempting a starvation diet of sorts. I am only eating one meal a day. That meal can consist of whatever I want (still can't tell myself no) only in very small portions. My goal is to become anerexic (of course I'm kidding). It seems to be working. I've lost 14 pounds in 10 days! I'm ecstatic!

It's truly amazing how things have changed. Thank you all! *wipes away a tear*

2 Year Bloggiversary!!

Time flies when you are blogging! I started out this journey simply excited about the fact that I had my own blog and a place to lay some of my thoughts. I remember being nervous the first time I hit PUBLISH worrying about people reading something I had written.

The following was my first blog post:

Wondering How I Got Here....

Wow, just realizing that life is passing me by and quickly. Seems like just yesterday I was 15. Now I'm approaching middle age! Funny how we become numb to everyday life. Just moving through it but not really living, only maintaining.

I have searched my soul and decided to make some changes in my life. I'm attempting to overcome my obsession with food addiction. I have for years stuffed whatever I wanted into my mouth without fearing the outcome. Now it's time to start being responsible for ME.

I'm attempting a starvation diet of sorts. I am only eating one meal a day. That meal can consist of whatever I want (still can't tell myself no) only in very small portions. My goal is to become anorexic (of course I'm kidding). It seems to be working. I've lost 14 pounds in 10 days! I'm ecstatic!

I've made many friends, including many in real life. I never dreamed that blogging would take me to all areas of the world and that I'd bring people into my home that I'd never met before.

Blogging has helped me to find the person within.