Blogging

I have given a lot of thought recently to blogging. I started blogging over 5 years ago. I never dreamed anyone would give a crap about what I had to say. Blogging gave me the courage to admit things that I wouldn't tell most people. It brought me a mental clarity to realize that my life was not what I wanted it to be. Blogging donated the confidence that I needed to make the changes necessary to set my life in motion. Without it, I'm not sure I would have ever had weight loss surgery.

Blogging has brought me many real life friends that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing without the help of the internet. These relationships are some of the strongest in friendships.

I am currently still in a relationship that began over a year ago. He lives over an hour away so we mostly see each when we can. I'm content with where our relationship is and don't feel the immediate need to change things. I'm enjoying making it on my own. I never dreamed that I would be able to pay my own way in life and make decisions completely alone. It's not as bad as I thought.

The guy doesn't agree with blogging. He thinks that it's an invasion of privacy. I tried to explain that blogging is like pen pals were back in the day when you couldn't wait to hear from your friend from afar. So, out of respect for him, I won't post pictures of him here. What follows are pictures taken during a camping trip last month that we took with my parents. It was 32 degrees but we had a blast despite the weather.

My youngest and me on Suicide Bend at Tippy Dam. Those tiny dots on the river are people fishing for Salmon.

Here we are on top of a metal giant grasshopper statue.

This was a giant fire pit. The focus was supposed to be on the colors behind me in the trees but the photographer (who shall remain nameless) didn't get them in the shot.

This is what 3 days of camping without running water looks like.

If any of you still read this, I thank you for that. I think about you often. :)

Bon Jour!

Well hello there! Yes, G-Man, I realize that I missed my quarterly post. That's because life has been so busy.

Firstly, my girls quickly came to their senses and came home. We worked things out. I think they realize that I am one of the few people in this world who will love them no matter what.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school 18th in a class of almost 300. Not too shabby. Because of her scholastic merits, she was able to get most of her first year of college paid for. In August, we took her 500 miles from home into the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and dumped her into her new life. I was surprised to find that my child, the child who has counted down the days to when she was leaving home since she was 11, was completely homesick. I never expected that, nor did she. She's still working on being a grown up. As she says, "Being an adult sucks!" I am so proud of her. She is an amazing girl.

Lake Superior with my girls

Last dinner as a family


Lake Michigan on the Cut River Bridge on the way home

Now, onto more unpleasant subjects, my weight. I have been struggling desperately with my weight (as you can see in the pictures). I am up 20 pounds from my lowest weight. My weight loss surgeon warned me that he has seen very few weight loss surgery patients that don't gain back at least 20 pounds. I am nearly 4 years out from surgery. Most people begin to gain in the 2nd year. I don't know how I was able to keep it off as long as I have. I know that my eating habits are not what they should be. I've also found that I have been compensating for stress with food. It's really killing me inside. I feel the old fat girl creeping back into my head. I know it affects the way I carry myself. I have no self confidence any more.

I pretty much spend my entire life worrying. I worry about my girls, money, my weight and about my love life. The stress is really getting to me. Being single is a lot of work, but I still have to remember that I made the right decision. I still have my house and recently paid off my van. The day after I paid off my van, my dad hit the front end and did $500 worth of damage.

One of the more worrisome things I have to worry about is my neighborhood. It had been a great neighborhood when I moved in 20 years ago. Unfortunately, many have lost their houses and they have been snatched up by slum lords who rent to drug dealers. On the night of July 4th, the house across the street had a bomb detonated between the two front doors. The front windows and doors were blown off and into my house. You haven't lived until you've heard a bomb at 1:30 AM literally jolt you physically out of bed, only to hear it raining glass on your house. I have never felt panic like that. The woman who lives there was only slightly injured because "Something told her to go into the other room and shut the door". Had she been in her normal spot, she would have been dead. This is not an attempted murder case. This is also one of 3 ongoing court cases revolving around that particular property. These include several different families who have moved in and out. It's pretty crappy when you are scared to death to go home.

So, yes, I am alive and kicking. Struggling, but kicking! I have been blogging for over 5 years. Where does the time go?

My Quarterly Post

January leaves me thankful that the holidays are over. I spent my first holidays completely alone. Christmas Eve the girls were with me during the day but left for the night to go to their dad's. As I sat staring at empty stockings lining the roaring fireplace, I lost it. I cried because my girls had never slept anywhere but here for Christmas Eve. I realized that no children would come bounding down the stairs at 4 am for the first time in 17 years. I wouldn't have to worry about negotiating with them to go back to sleep until at least 6 am.

So, I pulled myself together and decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and went to bed. I woke up with a brighter outlook and felt better for having made it through the night alone on Christmas for the first time in my life. Christmas day was filled with family and the girls were once again with me for a while.

My brother in law, sister, me, and #2.

My birthday was the week before Christmas and I had a great day. I got to see many friends who proved their love to me. I had an excellent dinner with family and friends. After dinner, the girls bought the cutest little cake. It was delicious!


Midnight on New Years Eve found me alone as well. Some plans fell through at the last minute. So, I decided why not spend yet another holiday alone. Several of my friends called me just after midnight which was awesome. Thank God I have friends or I'm not sure how I would made it.

My girls keep me going. They are everything to me. I'm really sad that #1 will be going off to college this fall. She was accepted at Michigan Tech but is holding out for University of Michigan. U of M hasn't denied her, but hasn't accepted her either. Oddly enough, she was happy to get this news. We should find out this spring whether she will be accepted.

Financially I'm still in a terrible position. Mr. Sign lost his job in July and I lost half my income when child support stopped. Honestly, I have no idea how I've made it this far. I am thankful daily for all that I have, but most thankful for my girls!

#2, me and #1 at a birthday party

Getting Stronger

Once again, my absence from the blog world was by choice as I wasn't sure I wanted to share what's been going on in my life. But, I felt the need to put something here.

As I said in the previous post, I was in a relationship that got kind of serious. I had led myself to believe that I wasn't as attached as he was. Something changed in our relationship. I saw that he was broken and I tried to fix him. I suppose I try to fix everything. That's what I do, only he didn't want to be fixed. So, even though I knew we were completely wrong for each other and needed to split, the end still hurt beyond belief.

I picked myself up and decided to jump full force back into the dating world and just have fun with it, meeting some incredible people. Dating is really fun! It's very strange for me to have so many suitors. I still have a hard time believing that someone would want to spend time with me, but it's so nice to be out living life.

There have been some glitches on the divorce end of things. As soon as Mr. Sign signed the settlement papers, he lost his job due to downsizing. What this means for me is that I now make more money than he does and I may have to pay him child support. This was a real kick in the pants for me but I'm a survivor! I will prevail! Things monetarily have been very tough without his support for the girls. Luckily, I was able to save some money and have been living on that for the past couple of months. I'm in panic mode about it now as those funds have dried up. We now have a new court date of October 6th and if all the paperwork goes through, a little piece of paper will end 22 years of my life and tell me that I'm free.

I think I need to add some of the fun I've had recently and what fun I've had!

Want S'More(s)?

Pole dancing with my cousin (she is on the left)

One night #1 and a few friends decided to go sightseeing in our city. We ran across this mobile cow and Udder Chaos ensued (see below).

Funniest part of the night!

Me and my momma always dress alike. Not really, but she bought me this shirt.

My best friend, our friend from high school, whom we hadn't seen in 20 years
(visiting from China) and me.

The crew on my two best friends' (the other blondes) 40th birthdays (taken last weekend)

My girls

Getting our grove on!!

So, my weight is back in check and I'm growing stronger every day, both physically and mentally. I'm still exercising like a crazy person, working out every morning and then riding my bike 20 miles 5 nights a week. I've worked too hard to go back to my old habits. Still working on loving myself and the person within. I am a work in progress, but who isn't?

Great Expectations ~ Part Deux

This is a continuation of the post below...

So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we were telling our families that we were divorcing. That was interesting. My mom wanted me to wait to tell my grandma until after the holidays. When I called to tell her, she barraged me with questions about why we couldn't make things work and what our problems were. She gave no regard to my feelings and how I was dealing with all of this. Her concerns were about our family not being "perfect" anymore.

I should tell you that most people assume that the demise of my marriage was based on the weight loss. This would only partly be true. It's a fact that losing the fat gave me the courage to venture out of my comfort zone and know that I could try and do things on my own. I would have never even tried to go it alone at 384 pounds. The world is just too cruel to fat chicks. I remained comfy and cozy within my fat walls.

No, this mostly had to do with the fact that I had decided that I had loved the one I was with long enough. In the process of my self discovery, I encouraged Mr. Sign to find out what made him happy, knowing full well what that was. All I'm going to say about that is that he decided to chose and alternative lifestyle and I want nothing but happiness for him.

In the midst of all of this turmoil, I became ill and was diagnosed with something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. As I was reeling from this news, two days later, Mr. Sign lost his job, including all health care benefits.

I was beyond myself and felt so completely alone. I have never been alone for more than a day in my entire life. I can only say that I was as low as I've ever been to the point of almost not being able to function. I got through my day and spent the evenings and nights just sobbing alone in my bedroom. I had been seeing a counselor but could no longer do so without insurance. Great timing, huh?

Somehow, with the support of my family and friends, I was able to pull myself up and out of the darkness. I wanted to blog, but as a great friend and fellow blogger said, "You don't want people to feel sorry for you. You know they will if you tell them what's going on".

So, we had my measly income, two residences, double bills for everything and no way to pay for it. We spent much time together while he looked for a job. He wanted to spend as much time with the girls as he could. This was hard on us both. We had a hard time being around each other as it made things seem like old times. We finally came to the conclusion that we really needed to be apart for both our sakes. I should mention that most of this happened after our trip to Las Vegas, so basically just after the first of the year.

Mr. Sign finally got a job that is actually better paying so we were able to file the paperwork for the divorce. Since everything is amicable, the lawyer will file a motion of hardship which will push our divorce through in 60 days instead of 180.

Imagine that I was thrown literally into the dating world by a friend with good intentions. She decided that I needed to get out there and play the field. I haven't dated in over 20 years. My, how times have changed.

To sum things up, I'm stress eating, lonely, poor and confused, but I'm alive and kicking. I am ready to face the new big bad world on my own, but still have my moments of self doubt.

So what have you all been up to?

Great Expectations

I'm not gonna lie when I tell you how bad I feel about abandoning this blog. Many of you know of my trials and tribulations. I'll give you the brief overview.

Over three years ago, Mr. Sign and I decided that we needed to work harder on our marriage. I wasn't happy, mostly with myself. My weight had gotten the better of me. So, we decided to have weight loss surgery together. This brought us together for a time.

Last Spring I started thinking about turning 40 and the fact that I had spent more than half of my life with one person and where did my life go. So, I did a lot of soul searching. In my quest, I realized that I needed to spread my wings and go forth with the life that my weight had compressed. I decided that I wasn't going to settle for being just "ok".

Don't get me wrong, I have led a very charmed life. Mr. Sign has been more than supportive of me for our entire relationship (21 years, 19 of them married). However, I realized that he wasn't entirely happy either.

So, I told him to go find what made him happy. I believed that in letting him go, things would be easy for me. I thought I wouldn't have feelings because feelings are messy and I don't like letting them show. And, things were easy at first. I was doing my thing and he was doing his. We decided to continue to do our own thing but to stay married for the girls' sakes.

This only worked for a few months when we both realized that it was too hard to go this route for everyone. Mr. Sign moved into an apartment that was closer to his job. It was an hour away from me and the girls. We decided that on weekends we would switch residences so that he could be with the girls and we wouldn't have to see each other. This worked well.

A few months later, we decided that we needed to formally separate. We hadn't told anyone that we had been separated since June. Again, I assumed that this task would be easy because I didn't want to allow my feelings to be involved.

Wow, this is getting wordy so I'm going to post this much and finish it at a later time....

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Well, I did my best to fight off all the crud that my whole family seems to have picked up. Thought I had dodged a bullet only to be smacked right between the eyes with the most evil illness I've had in a while.

My throat had been pretty sore, but when I woke up Friday morning I knew I had better go to the doctor so I could be better by the Vegas trip on Wednesday. The doctor took one look at my throat and started writing a prescription. He didn't culture it but I was pretty sure I had Strep throat.

By the time I got to the pharmacy, I could barely breathe because my throat had swollen. The bubbly cashier in the pharmacy was not as helpful as I'd have liked her to be. She took my prescription and told me it would be 15 minutes. I'm thinking, "No problem, I'll shop around a bit". I went directly to the cold aisle and picked out a throat spray that said it was Maximum Strength available. I waited the 15 minutes but was growing more ill. The cashier then tells me that my insurance isn't working and "is there a problem?" This always happens since I rarely use my insurance card. I called Mr. Sign who assured me that he had just used his card there the day before and to have her recheck. She does and miracle of miracles, it works. They still haven't filled the RX so I'm stuck and having trouble breathing. I tell her that I have to use the throat spray or I'm going to die. She says, " You have to pay for it right now." Mind you, it's been 30 minutes and I'm ready to jump over the counter and throttle that pig tailed dim wit. I decide that jail time would only complicate my predicament and proceed to pay for the spray and use it. It does nothing! Great. So I've paid $10 for a spray that doesn't work, I can't breathe and I still don't have the prescription. Luckily the pharmacist sees my pain (in the ass) and fills the script right away and I go about my business.

Mr. Sign wakes up Saturday morning with a sore throat so I suggest he see a doctor as well. He does and tests positive for Strep. The doctor suggest that I come back in and be seen again for a strep test and to also bring the girls in because they may have it as well as it's highly contagious.

The girls and I spend 2.5 hours waiting only to find out that all three of us are positive and they believe that I need to be tested for Mono. I knew I didn't have Mono. All of my symptoms were classic Strep, but at this point there is no use arguing. After 3 stabs and lots of blood, the mono test comes back negative.

I can't swallow my own saliva. Every swallow feels like razor blades are lining my throat. I haven't eaten for 3 days. All I'm thinking at this point is that I better get better or I'm not going to be going to Las Vegas. I spend Saturday and Sunday in bed all day still not feeling better and having to take Demerol for the pain or I can't swallow. My throat looks like a science experiment.

My boss told me to stay home today and rest which I'm doing since I'm still exhausted. I'm so thankful that this hit me now instead of in Vegas. Unfortunately, I haven't accomplished anything I needed to do. But, I should be well rested soon.

Thursday Portrait ~ Good Old Days

This picture was taken when I was about 3 years old. It's strange, because I can remember all of the things you see in this picture in detail. It seems like yesterday. Mom's pricilla curtains and dad's wooden magazine wrack. The rocking chair on the right was painted by my grandma who put my name on the back as soon as I was born. I still have the chair in my basement. This picture also lets you see that I had an obsession with my hair from a very young age and a penchant for stripped pants:


I believe I was about 5 in this picture. My sister would have been around 2 and a half. My grandmother always bought all of our clothes. They always had to match as though we were twins. My sister got the raw end of the deal because she had to wear my hand me downs, so she got very tired of the same prints. You can see the Jacobsens box in the background on the right. This was an upscale department store that I modeled for when I was this age. It was also where Grams bought all of our clothes. We were well dressed, even if mom and dad didn't have money.

Thursday Portrait ~ Black Friday Shopping

This picture was taken on Thanksgiving. The entire family spent the day perusing the Black Friday adds. Here we have from left to right: Me, Cousin K, Aunt Susan and Cousin L. Don't we look completely enthralled?

In case anyone really wants to know what I ate on Thanksgiving, I give you, my plate:

I couldn't even eat half of what I took, but it was all good!

Bullets Galore!

I've decided that using bullets is the laziest easiest way to blog for me right now. I'm not sure I'm able to make complete sentences, so bear with me.

• The upcoming holidays are making me ambivalent for more than one reason. I wish I didn't have to put up decorations because I'm a Grinch at heart right now.

• December is normally my favorite month of the year, but not this year. First we have our 19th wedding anniversary, my 40th birthday in Vegas, Christmas and finally New Years Eve. All of these festivities are leaving me feeling cold.

• Every day I am reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. My girls amaze me every day with one thing or another. They are healthy, articulate, brilliant, beautiful, talented, loving etc. I could go on for days...

• Both of my maternal grandparents are still alive and living on their own. I don't want to think about life without them.

• My love for my electric blanket is bordering on insanity. I want to go to bed at 6 PM every night.

• Do any of you read my Twitter updates at the top of this blog? I ♥ Twitter.
  

• The fitness magazine has contacted me and now I'm having a hard time deciding which pictures to use. They have offered to take a new after shot, but I dread the idea of not having control over the picture. I am so critical of myself that way.

• Most of you have no idea how much my life is really sucking right now. It's ok to be confused, because I sure am.

• Could these bullets be more bi polar?
  

• I have become one of the best music CD makers ever! My kids love me for that.
  

• Thinking of quitting my day job to become a go go dancer (as long as I can keep my clothes on. Ahaha!!

• People never cease to amaze me. I thoroughly enjoy watching their faces as they figure out that I'm not as dumb as I appear although I admit to using that to my advantage when playing Poker.

• Dancing in my car makes me laugh, especially when other drivers are watching.
  

That is all for now. Toodles!

Halloween Fun

Mr. Sign, my sister, brother in law and I went to a great Halloween party on Saturday night. We were slightly concerned about the weather since it rained all day and the party was to be held mostly outside. The rain held off and we only had to fight the wind gusts (60 mph).

Some of you may remember this party from the last time we went. Things always get a little crazy.

Mr. Greek God and myself:

First time in my life I ever wore fishnet stockings:

The hosts take most of their furnishings out of the house and make it into
a haunted house with a twist. This lucky couple was being filmed:

Fresh baby anyone?

The host:

Mr. Sign, me, my sister as a gorilla, and my brother in law who was upside down man. You may notice his hair. It looked like a pubic afro to me:

I sold my soul to the devil:

A blurry picture of BIL, sister and Bin Ladin:

Me with Mrs. Bin Ladin:

A couple of friendly lesbians that were trying to get me to drink some pink tequila stuff. I was smart enough, or not drunk enough to not do it:

The bobbing for genitals contest (yes, that is the devil trying to help me cheat):

Rock out with your !ock out:

This is me and my crew bringing down da house:

(If you care to see more pictures, click on any of these and it will take you to Photobucket where there may be more pictures of hot lesbians.)

The last time I had looked at the clock it was 11 pm. The next time it was almost 3 am. How does time get away from you like that? I crawled into bed at 3:30 am with no voice after singing 50 songs and woke up two hours later with the hangover from hell. Is it any wonder since I have a drink in my hand in every picture? I'm way too old to do this kind of crap every night.

Flash 55, Take 52~Patience

She taught me more about life than any other.

Throwing me to the ground while standing next to me laughing.

Patience was a virtue when dealing with her. She had a mind of her own.

I didn't mind trudging through snow carrying pails of water because I knew she would always be there for me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took a different walk yesterday. I walked from my childhood home to the small town where I grew up. Walking through the country was very enjoyable for me.

Along the way, I met a horse that looked exactly like the one my family had when I was a kid growing up (see picture above). My mom had just remarried and we didn't have two nickels to rub together. My stepdad had and enormous piggy bank that they decided to break so that they could buy a horse for us. I remember that the saddle was worth more than the horse. $250 for both. What a bargain, right?

What my parents didn't know was that the horse had only been half broken and then left in a field for 6 years. This horse had no manners.

My first challenge was to try and saddle her up. She would bloat her stomach out so far that I wasn't able to cinch the saddle properly. I would jump on the saddle only to end up underneath the horse.

It was hard as hell learning to ride on a horse whose only thought was to get you off her back. Her idea of a ride was to take me under the pine trees to try to flip me off. If I survived in tact on her back, she would then buck until I fell to the ground, sometimes losing consciousness. How I survived is beyond me.

The only thing I know is that that horse taught me more about patience than any other thing in my life.

Updates

You have all been asking about my mom and Mr. Sign. Mom is doing awesomely. She is already back to exercising and has lost almost 40 pounds. She looks amazing and I can't express how happy I am for her.

Mr. Sign lost all of his weight in the first 6 months after surgery. He hasn't lost or gained a pound since. He is happy with his weight but would still like to lose a few more pounds. He works out voraciously every day and it shows. This also allows him to eat pretty much what he wants.

Here is a picture taken in June 2006 before we both had surgery:



This is what Mr. Sign looked like on Saturday during our walk in the woods:



Not too bad, eh?

Thursday Portraits ~ Family

Most of you know that I walk every night. I use this time as my "me" time and walk alone. Tonight I took daughter #2. She was a trooper and did 5 miles with me in an hour and a half. Not bad for a beginner. We had so much fun looking at all the beauty that is nature around us.

I give you, Number 2:

I had to strip down for a bit:



There is a story behind this spot. The fence is new this week (and it irritates me). Normally I walk along this ledge every day. At it's peak, it's about 5 feet off the ground and it scares me to do. I try to do something every day that scares me. This spot is famous since you can see the R.E. Olds mausoleum behind me. I have spent time just sitting in this spot to collect my thoughts. It's quiet.



I love this kid!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I had a fabulous weekend. Friday was a paid day off for a job well done. My first ever at my sign making job.

I cleaned the whole house and did all the laundry and still had the afternoon to do a little retail therapy. I found some great buys and was absolutely thrilled to find that I could buy clothes right off the rack.

When I got home, I tried everything on for my family. As I was slipping out of my new black slacks, I was wearing my new knee high boots (side note, I've never been able to wear knee high boots because my legs were always too big to fit), new lacy underwear and black bra. My youngest daughter, who is twelve says, "Mom, that outfit makes you look like a hooker." Huh? What did you say?

I started laughing because I knew she was right. So, I put on my shorts and tank top and had Mr. Sign take our picture.

What? You didn't think I was going to show you my skivvies did you?

Thursday Portraits

I was going through some old pictures and decided to scan a few. I apologize for the quality. I can't figure out why they are so grainy.

This is #1 and me taken on a wagon train trip 4 years ago.
Yes, we rode on wagons for days behind teams of mules and horses.
My biggest let down was when it was time to go horseback riding and I was too fat:

SignGurl in action taken in 2003:

Another wagon train picture taken after camping
for 3 days with no electricity:

My senior year in high school taken in Orlando, FL in 1987.
I was really shocked at how heavy I was. I didn't feel that fat then.
I weigh about 15 pounds less now than I did then:

This is me today:

My weight held me back from doing so much. Every day I find something else that I can do that I couldn't before. Life is good!