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    Friday, June 08, 2007

    Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off......

    Many of you have emailed me asking how yesterday went at the amusement park. I wasn't sure I could tell you but changed my mind.

    The weather was perfect. 90 degrees and sunny. The wind was blowing 50 miles per hour (which shut down many rides).

    We arrived at the park and I was so excited to think of the day ahead. My mom and youngest daughter and I took off right away to ride the first ride. I had butterflies in my stomach as I waited in line listening to kids scream.

    I stepped up, sat down and pulled the bar down onto my lap. It would not lock. The park employee tried pushing and shoving and told me to cross my legs and suck it in. It would NOT lock.

    By this time I was so horrified about how embarrassed my daughter was that I jumped up and exited.

    I was and am completely devastated. Tears streamed from under my sunglasses (I'm crying as I type this) and I had to take a few minutes to get myself together.

    People who have not been morbidly obese have no idea how the obese brain works. I've lost almost 130 pounds. In my mind, I've done a great job and I think of myself as getting closer to normal. Then I'm reminded by incidents like this, that I'm still fat.

    I decided not to let the entire day be ruined by my ridiculous insecurities. We took the family to the water park part. (Yeah, I know, me in a swimsuit in public.) I climbed 5 flights of stairs with daughter #2 and raced her down the body slide. We did it twice in a row. I can't believe that I climbed those stairs and did it without thinking of it until I got to the top and realized what I had done. I would have had a hard time climbing one fight before surgery.

    I walked my butt all over that park and never gave a thought to being tired. It was freeing even though I did not meet my ultimate goal of riding a roller coaster.

    20 comments:

    buddha_girl said...

    Fuck the roller coaster.

    You went and did something you never could have done less than a year ago.

    Too many people will continue to mentally and emotionally beat you up no matter how much you weigh - for whatever reason they find.

    You don't have to beat yourself up. Period.

    You walked. You climbed. You slid. You communed with your girls. You didn't complain. You didn't have to leave. You didn't get out of breath.

    Again, fuck the roller coaster. There's always another day.

    Anne said...

    Think about what an incredible accomplishment losing 130 pounds is. Seriously. That is something that very very few of us could attain.

    You did A LOT that you wouldn't have been able to do before. Climbing 5 flights of stairs? Celebrate that accomplishment and I completely agree with Buddha - Fuck the roller coaster.

    You are making such amazing strides and improving your health - celebrate that.

    It always hurts when something we were looking forward to doesn't go as planned. But you have so much more to be proud of.

    jillie said...

    You know...that roller coaster probably wasn't even a fun one either. Look at what you did while you were there. You stayed, you over came the defeat of the dumb ride and showed it who is boss and you weren't going to let it get you down. You have accomplished a lot and you have a lot to be proud of!!! Look at what you did...you climbed stairs, walked all over the park and the best part of all...you had fun and you were with your family! They love you and we love you...our sign gurl!!

    xoxoxox

    The Savage said...

    never been on a roller cxoaster in my life...

    lime said...

    ok, i'll grant you i don't know what it is to walk in your shoes, but i know with my very sever injury i had to celebrate every little increment of progress along the way. oh look! i held a fork in my hand today! woohoo!!! now i can use my manual can opener again...seems a very silly thing but i really wondered if i would ever have the strength in my hand to do that (among other things...that just sort of comes to mind because i just cracked open a few cans right before i came here....

    anyway, you have made tremendous progress and being able to climb and slide and have a great time shoudl be celebrated. i can understand that you were very disappointed and that's ok, it will come. i have no doubt. you've come too far and you are still going. you go girl! we are all proud of you! you'll ride that roller coaster yet.

    Crabby said...

    Aw. Don't cry, Sign. You are soooo on your way to svelte. It takes a little time but you'll get there. Now take a big happy look at how much you HAVE accomplished. We should all work so hard. MY GOSH! I'm so proud of you!

    Chrissie said...

    Aww Sweets, I'm sorry. That must have been crushing... for a moment! You ARE doing a GREAT job... 130lbs is a whole damn person!... You are AMAZING! NEXT year you'll be all... HA! Who is riding you NOW mr.rollercoaster?! *I* AM! You perform for ME Bitch!! Loop de loop!! Thats right!! Now turn me over!! YEAH!!

    *whew*

    You'll get there... *love n crap!*

    Manny said...

    I used to ride rides when I was younger. I won't ride another one that's for sure. You're a better woman than I am sweetie.

    I am so proud you went on to have fun. Good for you babe. btw, can I go next time?

    Sicilian said...

    Gurl. . . I am so sorry. . . . don't let it discourage you. . . just remember that you have come a long way. . . and like that catapiller in the cocoon. . . you will break through this. . . you will emerge. . . . . . . as a butterfly with beautiful wings. . .
    Count your blessings. . . . you have 130 that I know of. . . how many more are there??????
    Ciao

    barman said...

    Oh Sign I am so sorry but several things. One, there will be another day. Two, you have come a long way. You look great Sign and you will continue to look better. Even if you did not, look at where you are. You are in so much better shape after the surgery. GOOD FOR YOU!

    barman said...

    you know everyone is saying the same thing because we all care but let me sneak in a little {hug} for my friend.

    Have a nice weekend Sign and don't ever worry about sharing here. We will be here for you, always.

    kimmyk said...

    Summer's not over yet-maybe give it another whirl?

    I'm glad you had a good time. Family time is priceless.

    terry said...

    oh, sweetie, anytime you need a reminder of all you've accomplished, just go look at those morphing pix again.

    LOOK at those. they're amazing.

    YOU'RE amazing.

    MilkMaid said...

    DANG, that you even got in there shows strength of character Jenn. It's just still a goal, we all need them. You'll be locked into that seat in no time now....think of the accomplished feeling THAT will be now!!!

    Top cat said...

    I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience this jenn.
    You've done wonderful and look great.
    I think it was something to do with the ride, maybe it was designed for midgets(little people) or something.
    hugs hon
    tc

    What the Chuck said...

    Hi Jen,

    Just KEEP ON, Girl!!!

    XOXOXO

    Chuck

    S said...

    Ok you went and you tried and it didnt work this time, but it will the next time....
    I think buddha girl said it all already....

    Signgurl, I was 13 before I was tall enough to ride the big kids rides! Opposite problem, still no fun.....

    You are doing swell!

    Donna said...

    Okay, I know that it must not have felt too good. I, myself, have had a couple of those "reality" moments. They feel like a slap in the face, don't they?

    Just keep moving forward and don't let it diminish any sense of victory you already feel. You're doing awesome and look great to boot! *hugs*

    gab said...

    This is why I turned down my 11 year old grandson when he asked me if I would go to Valleyfair with him. Ummmm nope,,,nada,,,,sorry can't I ummm have to take care of your brothers you remember them right? He wasnt happy that I wouldnt go then of course his mom has to tell him about the last time I was there and did go on a ride which made me sick and as soon as I got off I puked. Nice daughter nice. Grandson laughed at me but I knew he would have a great time without me and he did. Problem is he seems to be getting a little hefty. Need to trim him down before it becomes an adult problem

    G-Man said...

    Any shots of you in a bathing suit?
    I wanna see em!!!
    I bet you register a 10 on the Bonaphone!!!
    xoxoxoxox