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    Saturday, October 04, 2008

    Roughing It

    ~edited 10-5-08 to add: I originally wrote this post for my own benefit never expecting to publish it. I accidentally hit publish and this was posted to Google reader. I immediately received emails and comments about where it had gone. I decided to post it since many had already seen it. ~end edit

    Life has been more than slightly strange for me for over a year. I've talked in great depth about not knowing who I am based on my extreme weight loss and the way others treat me. People talk at me instead of to me. Sometimes I feel like an object rather than a person. It's easier to stay silent than to try and prove that I actually have a brain and know how to use it (although sometimes that statement is questionable).

    There is a lot going on with me right now that I'm not able to share with you all. Just know that my entire life is in complete turmoil. My ultimate goal is to keep things sane for my children. This is proving tougher than I thought. Let's just say that I'm learning what I'm made of.

    Most of my life I've fought the idea of going to a counselor but decided that it was time to try and figure out how to fix what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly sure that these sessions are helping much. The person I'm seeing really has no inkling what I'm going through on some levels. Not all of my issues are based on weight loss and I'm hoping to get a better grasp on them.

    This whole mid life crap is for the birds. Why do we have to look ahead to tomorrow? I've been living the last couple of years by the seat of my pants, never making any commitments to anyone beyond a day or two. I don't know what my future holds for me so I can't make plans that I may have to break.

    There is much in my life that I am very thankful for. I realize that people have problems much worse than mine and I feel like mine are trivial in comparison. Yet, there they are, staring me in the face, begging to be dealt with.

    On the positive side, I have amazing friends that are there for me whenever I need them. Without them, I may have been confined to the nearest loony bin. So, if I seem kind of distant and haven't visited you in a while, please don't take it personally. I'm trying my hardest just to stay afloat.

    19 comments:

    ciara said...

    mental health is just as important as physical health. you have to do whatever is necessary to keep yourself some form of sane. i don't look ahead either. for me, it's one or two days at a time.

    i hope that counseling can help you a bit. it helped me a lot when i went through my divorce. sometimes, you wonder if they really know what you're feeling. especially if they say, 'and how does that make you feel?' but talking to someone outside of the situation can be good.

    if you're not commenting or not visiting, i know you're taking care of yourself. it's what you should do. you know we are all here for you and will be around.

    Mona said...

    Hang in there, God Bless!

    Alice said...

    If you aren't feeling a connection with your therapist... switch. The RIGHT therapist can make a world of difference. The wrong one... can't make life even more frustrating!!

    By the way, I would say that it compeltely normal for you to have to completely reevaluate everything after this huge transformation. It must be a huge personal struggle for both you AND your hubby?!

    Particularly for you, there is no hiding anymore. In many aspects, your armor is gone.

    No one likes confronting their demons, but it's really the only way to move past them.

    What the Chuck said...

    Hi SG,

    Hope you make it.

    I was there, and I did. But it was brutal.

    XOXO

    Chuck

    What the Chuck said...

    BTW,

    Remember this -- if you're depressed (or your partner is depressed) you have to first fix the depression. It is the beast that no one talks about when you're having serious partner problems.

    You HAVE to. Otherwise there's nothing good that will pop out at the other end.

    XO

    Chuck

    Sicilian said...

    Not sure what to say except that I admire that you are seeking help. I know that when it finally hit the fan in my life. . . . and it all looked perfect from the outside. . . . I saw a counselor. It helped me to reaffirm my thoughts which had become all jumbled up. It helped because I really needed to talk to someone, and at the time could not confide in friends.
    I hope you find someone who can help you sort things through.
    Ciao

    snowelf said...

    Jenn, you are brilliant inside and out. Don't feel bad about not wanting to post all of your personal stuff on your blog. I don't need any of the details of what you're going through to be able to care for you and wish you the best possible as you get through it all.

    hugs to you,
    --snow

    Sarah said...

    Being as how I work at a psych clinic..

    I am sure if you need a referal for a really good doc up that way I can get one that would totally fit YOU.

    You keep at those session though.. They really will help I promise.

    kimmyk said...

    Love you SG.

    That's all I got.

    stalkermom said...

    Thinking of you!

    Jon said...

    If you are not comfortable with your counselor then you need to change. It isn't helpful unless you feel right about them.

    Thinking that your problems are not as bad as others you know is typical. I do it all the time, yet I know I should do something about it. I think with everything you've been through that your issues deserve a close look from a pro.

    I hope it all goes well.

    XOXOX

    Yippeeskip said...

    Know that I accept you for you, inside and out.
    Don't compare your problems to others and being less or better-they're yours and need your attention. We can lean on each other. K?

    cadbury_vw said...

    i think alice has it pegged right

    now that the armour is gone...

    also, fat is an active organ in the body. it acts to release hormones and chemicals that dull senses and emotions

    there is a physiological payoff to fat cells

    now they're gone

    having the courage to confront the issues is the biggest hurdle

    you are brave

    Susy said...

    take care of you SG!

    The Savage said...

    You got me, doll. I'll be here for ya.

    SignGurl said...

    Ciara~ Thank you so much for your comments. It really means a lot.

    Mona~ I'm hanging :)

    Alice~ I'm giving the therapist a bit more of a chance. He's really trying to help me. It is very true that my "fat" armor is gone. I'm trying to deal with it.

    Chuck~ I know how tough it's going to be. I wouldn't consider myself depressed, just confused. Luckily, Mr. Sign and I are talking more now than we ever have.

    Cicilian~ It's hard when people assume from the outside that everything is perfect. I think that makes us try so much harder to keep it all together.

    Snowelf~ Putting our personal stuff out there sometimes helps. Thank you so much for your support.

    Sarah~ I'm working hard to make this therapist work. I'm not sure there are many therapists who have much experience dealing with someone who has lost more than 200 pounds. It's hard for him to understand. He is trying.

    Kimmy~ Thank you. You rock!

    Stalkermom~ How sweet of you!

    Jon~ I really do know that my problems have no comparison to others. But, like I said, they still need to be dealt with. I hope you are well. Miss you!

    Yippeeskip~ This is why we get along. We've both been there. :) Thanks for being here for me.

    Cadbury~ You were one of the first people to mention the fat as armor. I never bought into it until the weight came off. You were never more right. People now notice me. There is no hiding now. I just need to learn how to deal with it.

    Susy~ Thank you!

    Savage~ You are awesomeness all rolled into a tidy package!

    ~

    Sunshine said...

    Just a note about the counseling. It can take time so don't give up just because you aren't getting anywhere yet. You will make it. Hang in there.
    Sunshine

    lime said...

    just like you made big hard decisions about how to achieve physical health, dont' be afraid to make big, hard decisions for the sake of mental health. you're strong even when you dont' feel like it and there are lots of people who love and support you.

    ell said...

    sorry to hear you're having a tough time. hang in there and if you need to talk, drop me a line. mlkj822@aol.com wishing you the best.

    xoxo