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    Thursday, January 19, 2012

    Invisible

    I'm sure you all have given up on me. Sometimes I think I have done the same. I think about blogging often. I miss it terribly. There is so much to be said for having a place to rest your brain while getting support.

    Life is still a struggle for me. I'm still working the two jobs and I love both of them. I've been in the sign business for almost 10 years and in the safety business for two years this month. The agricultural job took me into the fields this summer and fall. It was some of the most physically demanding work I've ever done but it was also awesome to know that I was capable.

    My weight continues to frustrate me. I've gained about 45 pounds back. I haven't exercised much since summer and even then, wasn't as obsessed with it as I had been in the past. Gaining weight has taught me that I need to learn again to control my behaviors. The gastric bypass surgery still limits the amount of food that I can eat, even after 5 years and I'm thankful for that. My self esteem is in the crapper. I'm disgusted with myself. It's almost like I weigh nearly 400 pounds again as I look away when people look at me in hopes that they won't see me. I'm, becoming invisible again. Fat people are sometimes treated like they are invisible. At least fat WOMEN are. I don't see that happening with men.

    Weight gain has also led to periods of depression. For me, they may only last a few minutes or a few days. Honestly, my life is not that terrible. I don't make a lot of money, but I have everything I need with the exception of health insurance. Don't get me going on that rant.

    The man in my life has remained there for over two years. We still live over an hour apart. That has caused some issues in our relationship. I remain where I am for daughter #2. She's had so much change and I don't want to disrupt her any more than she has been.

    Me, #1 and #2.

    Sorry this has been depressing. Hopefully, Spring will be here and help change my attitude.

    11 comments:

    G-Man said...

    Hi Jenn...
    Thanks for the update.
    You're STILL Hot
    Thanks for coming out of your Facebook Cave!

    G-Man said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
    SignGurl said...

    G-Man, I'm going back to my FaceBook cave. :P

    lime said...

    jenn, you've accomplished so much and survived so much. hold your head high and meet people's eyes. big hugs

    gab said...

    Jenn you are still the strong woman I first met here in Blogger land......And I do catch a few blurbs from facebook. I myself have been feeling a little depressed so I think we should blame the weather! lol

    ell said...

    jenn, i have missed your posts so much, and keep coming back to check on you. i'm sure you'll triumph again over your struggles. you are a super strong person and i know you can do it. *hugs* --ell

    Angi said...

    Thanks for the update, sorry about the weight gain. I'm struggling too. Hope it all gets better for you! Just remember, get back on that wagon one foot at a time! ;)

    DARREN Winland said...

    We still love you, Jenn! You are sooo pretty even with this few extra-pounds! Yoy have so charming smile! Don't be sad, everything is okay!

    Michael Boyle said...

    Why don't you write anymore? We're waiting for your posts!

    Pam J. said...

    blogging has sort of become a chore for me, so i rarely do it these days. i don't visit and comment on all the great blogs i followed. i was just looking at a couple, and it seems like some have abandoned ship as well. i'm on facebook a lot, but even that bores me. i have a tumblr, and i think i like it cos i don't have to come up with anything. i've been struggling with weight since i got thyroid disease, and i know what you mean about women getting treated like their invisible. sometimes i'm depressed and feel like life is crap. sometimes i wish i knew how to get myself out of this depressive craphole :/ i'm sure i'll figure it out eventually. i still think that even though you are struggling w your weight and self-esteem, you've still done a lot despite all the things that you've been through over the years. you're a strong lady, and i know you'll come out on the other side of this.

    Bubblegum Writer said...

    I am just wondering if you spend time in areas that would motivate you? Like the gym? When you get into a routine of going there at least 4 days a week, you will notice that it helps you emotionally and physically. And both of those tie into over-eating, especially when you are stressed, which in today's world is almost constant. Also, there would be people there to motivate you. Good luck!