I've posted here recently about being judged. I'm coming to a point in my life where I don't care anymore. Well, that's not really true. You see, I'm a pleaser. I want everyone to like me and not think I'm a complete blithering idiot. But I also have something I really need to talk about and I just can't do that with people that know me.
I've been struggling with a lot lately. Not only my weight, but my propensity to binge drink. I only drink twice a month, but when I do, look out world because I'm going to do it up big. The other problem with this drinking is that it causes major anxiety for days. The kind that makes you want to crawl out of your own skin. Being around other people when I'm in this state is painful. I wish I would just get the normal hangover with a headache and weak stomach. I never knew this was something that is quite common.
As far back as I can remember, whenever I drank, it was almost always to excess. Keep in mind that I've gone years without drinking. In fact, I rarely think about it except when I'm staying with a "friend" every other weekend. I don't drink during the week either. The counselor that I've been seeing and I discuss whether or not I'm an alcoholic. One doesn't have to drink daily to be one. I despise that label like most people would.
Therapy has been helpful in forcing me to come to terms with why I'm such a mess. I knew that it mostly stemmed from childhood sexual abuse. I've seen the counselor cry during several of my sessions. I think she may be as tender hearted as I. It's strange to say the least but also makes me realize that the abuse was much more horrible than I ever cared to remember.
We all screw up but my question is why can't I get my crap together?
2 comments:
My sister and I recently had a conversation about our step kids and their aggression issues. I told her that she needed to contact the school and get him into counseling. I added that counseling was what saved me and I went through years of it. From elementary school all the way through high school. Counseling and AL_ANON meetings. She was shocked. She never even knew.. She thinks that's why I turned out so much more stable than her. I can't disagree. <3
That's deep. I commend you for raising those kids. You're a good momma.
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