Living in Michigan

The pictures below are of my house in December 2000. It was a freak blizzard and we got something like 28 inches in one night. We generally don't get this much snow at once but when I was a kid it wasn't unusual.

Jeff Foxworthy's Version of Michigan

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan. I hated ice fishing as a child. You sit for hours freezing your ass of for a few measly fish. I hate fish!

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan. I've actually been to Pellston and it has a sign stating the aforementioned.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan. Ours actually closes in September.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan. I don't know about this one 'cause I don't even wear a coat til it's below 25F.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan. Sadly, I've actually done this. People always think I work in the store.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan. Damn John Deere hats.

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan. I hate when people do this. If you need a coat then loose the shorts idiot.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan. Why is that a bad thing?

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan. We are a friendly lot here.

You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when....

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

2. You measure distance in hours. You mean you don't? It's 4.5 hours to the bridge (Mackinaw, leads to the UP).

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. Hasn't everyone?

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. A daily occurrence

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. Add freezing rain and hail to this and yeah, I can drive 70 mph.

6. You see people wearing fall formal wear (camouflage) at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. Don't the lights deter burglars? Maybe it just helps them see, I dunno.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. And they look so cute, too, although they get sick of the marshmallow look.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. How true.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. I was told recently that I have a Michigan accent. I so beg to differ.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a deer "bow target" next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. What else is there to do when you're young.

15. "Down South" to you means Ohio.

16. A Muskrat is something you can eat. Umm....I don't think so.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." Time to break out the jacket!

22. You drink pop and bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine. It kinda tastes like medicine though. Its a ginger ale for those that don't know.

24. You know what a Yooper is. Someone who lives in the upper penninsula.

25. You think owning a Honda is Un- American. I don't feel this way but my whole family does 'cause they all work for General Motors.

26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction. Upper peninnsula, we have an upper and a lower, duh.

27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb. When peole ask were we live, we hold up our hand and show them. I live dead center of the palm.

28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest. I try not to visit unless it's a casino ;)

29. You actually understand these jokes.