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    Tuesday, April 04, 2006

    The Crash

    Have you ever noticed how when you have something fun to look forward to, there's always the big letdown after? I'm there. I feel so depressed today. I don't think I've ever admitted to feeling depressed. I'm that bitch that strives to be happy on the outside at all times.

    I had such a great weekend. More fun than I've had in a long time. I was still on a high yesterday and today everything just seemed to crash.

    At the Blogger meeting we discussed whether or not we would have a hard time posting what's on our minds now that we actually "know" some of the people that read our blogs. I have no problem. If anything I'm going to let some stuff fly. I realized that most of the stuff I post is not really what I want to post about. Today will be different.

    I've hinted before that I have a weight problem. It's part of who I am. I have used my weight as a blanket. A way to deflect others from getting close to me. It sounds strange but I think in a way that the fat has been a way to draw away attention from myself since no one would ever take a second look at a fat girl.

    Every minute of my life revolves around my weight. When I wake up in the morning I think about how hard it is to get my fat ass out of bed. I get in the shower and lather up and feel the disgust toward my physical self. Every time someone looks at me, I'm thinking about how horrified they must be by looking at me.

    A big part of my problem is that for years, I have ignored myself. I took care of everyone around me and never gave a second thought about me. I cannot look in the mirror. It makes me physically ill. Looking at pictures of myself brings my psyche crashing.

    People's first reaction to my displeasure with myself is that I should diet. I just want to scream, "What the fuck do you think I've been doing my entire life?" I've dieted myself to this weight by loosing it then gaining it back because just a little cheat won't hurt, right? It's just disgusting to me that I can't control this aspect of my life.

    I'm sure if you are reading this and have read my stuff before you are sure that I've gone over the deep end. I just really needed to use this blog for the purpose that I intended it for in the first place. A place to put my real thoughts that need to get out of my head.

    I didn't write this to make people feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I need. God, I don't even think I can finish this stupid post because I'm sobbing right now. Just ignore me......


    The Taker of Gist said...

    You are clearly suffering from what experts such as myself call "life."

    It happens to everyone, especially those who are around people. A simple intangible.

    SignGurl said...

    How long does alcohol stay in your system?

    Jodes said...

    I would never ignore you!! Sobbing is a way to get it out and start over, get all the nasties out of your system. Go ahead cry and scream and throw things if you want, it burns calories!!! LOL. I am not going to give you diet advice unless you want it. I am going to tell you that you are a beautiful person inside and out, I can see it on your blog I do not have to meet you in person to know that. Keep your head up!! I have some advice if you want it. Otherwise you can vent to me all you want. Write about what you want too, that is what blogs are for and if anyone has a problem with that tell them to f*** off.

    Big Sexy Bitch said...

    Don't ever let me hear you say that no one gives you a second look. I believe and I know you know this about me, you can be as fat as hell, but you can still be a sexy bitch. I'm fat, but I'm hot and sexy. And I think your hot too. You just don't feel it like I do. Girl, come on to Tennessee and let's have a girls night out.

    MamaKBear said...

    I think you are beautiful! You are very pretty and you don't give yourself enough credit.

    Look past the weight issue, sweetheart! We do!

    Big hugs!

    Pud said...

    Sounds like your in a funk and need a hug. So I'm sending hugs your way....*Hugs*

    Suze said...

    Jenn, I don't think that I am unusual in that I see the person inside and not the physical.

    I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug.

    Most women have self image issues, even the ones who are built like a stick. I don't think women are ever truly happy about the way they look.

    You are not on your own. We all care for you, so sound off whenever you like.

    *Hugs from the UK*

    Madame X said...

    IT abso-fucking-lutely sucks feeling the way you do, depressed, angry, sad, frustrated BUT ya gotta just feel it and experience it because denying it will only lead to more depression,anger and sadness.
    I'm a phone call away.

    Those daggers?
    Pretty scarey, thanks!

    American Navel said...

    roxi and nikki like your bellybutton too. I just came over to say that.

    Gary said...

    Thanks for sharing. I think you look pretty sexy the way you are, but weight has never been a big issue with me. I try to see past it to the real self.

    BTW,I think blogs can be very helpful for all kinds of issues including weight loss. Maybe your blog will make it easier for you to control your weight. Don't let it get you weight get you down too much, and don't give up. It took me many years before I finally got my appetite under control. Now, as long as I keep away from any trigger foods I'm OK. Good luck. You're a peach.

    Nonny said...

    I'm glad your using your blog to get your feelings off your chest and outta your head. I'd do that more on my site except my husband reads my blog and he gets upset if I discuss anything too personal. Those flying daggers are a really cool trick. I don't know what else to say except (((HUG)))

    Sal said...

    Let it fly sweetie. Woo Hoo

    Big kisses from SoCal Sal!

    barman said...

    I do not express it the same way as you do as sometimes I find it hard to find the words but I think I know exactly what you mean. *tears* and {hugs} Jenn.

    Your blog is yours and yours alone. Don't hold back. Follow your heart.

    P.S. I'm not going anywhere.

    cadbury_vw said...

    when you wrote what you did about getting up in the morning, and washing in the shower, you could have been reading my own thoughts about me before i began to change myself

    i understand

    i'll be here tomorrow too

    Michele in Michigan said...

    No way in HELL are we going to "ignore you" or leave you. We feel your pain, and we are here to stay. I had a boo-hoo session myself this past Saturday night.

    Interesting that MY first thought when you voice displeasure with yourself is "Jen, you just don't know how beautiful you ARE." You have the most dazzling smile, beautiful eyes and sexy (SHINY PINK!) lips. If I were of a certain persuasion, I would TOTALLY do you and have your babies LOLOL. Seriously, though, you are a very attractive woman. Never doubt that. And you put yourself together nicely, too!

    As Tina said, you can be fat AND sexy. While I'm not thrilled with my weight either, I just melt when my husband tells me that I have the softest skin he has ever touched. I am SO up for a Tennessee Girls' Night Out lol (well, except for the whole MONEY thing ;)

    kellywalters said...

    honey.. just remember that I love you for the beautiful person you are.

    Motor City Monk said...

    Sounds like you touched a nerve with your fellow bloggers...one great thing about blogland is most people are accepted for what they are (or want to be)...real life is a bit more difficult but you just need to surround yourself with good people, people who accept you for who you are.

    BTExpress said...

    Speaking as someone that has been lucky enough to meet you in person, I never thought about your size at all last Friday. Your very attractive, a beautiful person on the inside and so much fun. I had a ball. I'll never forget you walking up to me in the lobby and giving me that beautiful smile. Then later when you were sitting next to the bed with the cooler of jello shots close by. You tossing them to those that were empty handed and you downing your fair share like the rest of us. Well, there are those cleavage shot pictures I have that may have a little something to do with my attraction to you too. Your a sweetheart and never forget it!

    crabcake said...

    You are too damn hard on yourself, missy. Truly. You're probably a hell of a lot more popular and loveable than most of the "model type" bodied gals out there.

    I believe btexpress has hit it right on the head when he said, he never thought about your size. In all honesty, I doubt that anyone who knows you does.

    We are each our own worst critic. Truth is, you are a fun, crazy, loving gal and that is ALL that matters.

    Bloody knives??? Yumpin Yimminey woman! I'm not as fast on the feet as I used to be ya know.

    Top cat said...

    If it helps any, I hit the bottom yesterday.I was so depressed I felt like my stomach was spinning, maybe it was a universal feeling out there in the cosmos and we just felt it..don't know.

    I think you are overanalyzing why you are overweight.
    If anything use your health and what being overweight will do to your health in the future.
    If you can use that as a motivator.
    We recently bought my wife a treadmill because of her hereditary cholesterol history.
    She loves it, you can listen to music or watch tv, she is now up to over a mile a day.
    It's a great way to burn calories and have fun at the same time.

    I think the worst culprit is eating a lot of bread, white pasta and stuff, eat the foods you enjoy but just smaller portions.

    You are beautiful Jenn, inside and out..and I love you.

    Big Pissy said...

    I'm sorry I'm late in leaving a comment...

    All I can say is that I think you're beautiful inside AND out! I know that sounds corny, but I mean it!

    You spirit,generosity and fabulous personality come through in your posts.

    But you should also feel free to do what you did with this post: tell us about the hard times too....


    ell said...

    a big ol' hug to you. can you feel all the love coming your way, jenn? just look at all these comments above.

    we all love you baby!

    Snow White said...

    Grrrrrrrrrr! I wrote a comment earlier, and when I tried to post it, Blogger was down. Jenn, I feel exactly the same way about my weight! I HATE my body, my flabby white tummy particularly. And I hate it more so because I know I'm a great person on the inside, but I'm afraid no male is going to take the time to find that out because of what the outside looks like. I can hear it now... "I'm not getting close to Orca!" One can tell what a great person you are just from reading your posts. What ever the deep blue funk is that you're in at the moment, it's going around... I've had it this week, too! It'll all blow over... I hope! xoxox

    cutie said...

    Oh good grief~~! It's going to take me forever to figure out your new blog!

    Sorry, I digress....A fat woman is their own worst enemy.

    And I should know...I am one.

    But Jenn, we are more than our shells...we are sexy, soft, sweet, kind, hard, strong, smart, funny, and most of all, we are love personified.

    We are a sum total of all our parts, fat included. I don't believe that I would have the sense of humor that I (think?) have if it were not for being big. I would not be as smart as I am if I could have gotten away with being cute and stupid. I would not love as passionately as I do if love found me easily in life.

    It has taken me a long, long, long time to come to the realization that being fat has made me an amazing woman. I have worked hard to be the absolute best person I could be because the rest of the world may or may not be able to look past my hips, my tummy, my thighs...so I make the rest of me shine so that I may be seen. And believe me honey, I am seen! I am heard! And I am damn proud of it!

    Sure....losing weight will add years to my life....my health would benefit from losing weight. And if, or when, I do lose weight...those will be the reasons why, not for any idea that I am less of a person than a tiny woman.

    YOU are an amazing woman, and I think, if you truly sat and thought about it....you wouldn't be the amazing woman you are if you didn't have weight issues.

    YOU are entitled to love yourself, Jenn.

    Everyone else already does.

    barman said...

    I know this comment was for SG but Cutie, you are AWESOME!