I Don't Have A Title For This One

~Warning! This post contains very personal information that is in no way fun or lighthearted.
Read at your own risk.~

I'm going to let you know my biggest secret. Most of you will click off this page faster than a speeding bullet once you realize what this post is about.

There is a subject that is taboo to talk about. People are made to feel like they should never reveal certain things about their past. If you do, people's views of you will be changed forever.

This secret has scarred me most of my life and I have suffered quietly and alone. Most of you can probably guess what my secret is if you think about it. I'll give you a minute to think about it while I get up the nerve to actually type it out.....









Still chicken.....


Getting braver....





I was sexually molested by three different men who are family members as a child. There! I said it. I feel all queazy and jumbled inside now.

I had put this out of my head for many years rarely thinking about it. It was brought back full circle a few months ago while visiting the behaviorist while jumping through the weight loss surgery hoops. You have to fill out a 10 page questionairre and many of the questions have molestation and rape as their subject. I answered honestly and didn't think too much more about it.

The behaviorist mentioned the subject within one minute of meeting me. He said that if we had had more time, he would have eased onto the topic. Quite frankly, he was astounded and had trouble speaking to me about it. He expressed sadness at what had happened to me.

Until recently, I had only told my parents and husband of this. I have however, let a few bloggers who have become great friends in on my issue. I never saw the need to bring it up and was actually told to keep it quiet by Mr. Sign. He's never dealt with anything like this so that was his coping mechanism.


It took me years to get up the nerve to tell my mom and later my dad (they were divorced). I remember that it took me 2 hours to finally get to it while telling my mother. Even at the age of 10, I knew it would change her view of me and of course I blamed myself. When I finally told her, she told me that she had been molested as a young girl by a cousin. I recently found out that the cousin was about the same age as her and they were in their early teens.

Telling my father was the hardest because one of the perpetrators was his brother. I told him on one of our arranged weekend visits. The same day I told him, my uncle came over. I remember watching out the window as my dad spoke to him. I waited for him to haul off and hit him or at least scream and yell and never have anything to do with him again. I was sick to my stomach when it never happened. I felt like because Dad didn't confront him, it didn't matter what my uncle had done to me. I realize now that my dad is the most passive person I know and would travel around the world to avoid confrontation.

Nothing more was ever said about it but the molestation stopped. My mother and I talked about it about six months ago and I told her I didn't think my dad ever said anything to my uncle. She assured me that he had. She also wanted to know if I thought my younger sister had been touched. I told her that I didn't think so because I always tried to protect her from everything.

The behaviorist asked me if I had ever talked to a professional about my problems. I told him that I hadn't. He asked me how I coped with the problem and I lied and told him that I had started journaling about it. I had great intentions to start but never had the nerve. He told me that he would not have ok'ed me for surgery if I hadn't been journaling. I would have been deferred for one year of therapy. I knew that I would start one day so it was just a little lie, right?

After speaking with the behaviorist, I was a mess. I cried at the drop of a dime and couldn't tell myself why. My mom asked me how it had gone and I told her that I had passed the psychological test by the skin of my teeth. She asked why and I told her what the behaviorist had said about the sexual abuse. She got defensive and said, "Well, it only happened once." I had to explain to her that it had happened for over 5 years from the ages of 5 to 10 with my uncle. I don't know if I left that detail out or if she put it out of her mind. She then got more upset and said that no parent can watch a child 24 hours a day. I was so hurt that she was making it about her. I never blamed her and still don't. Pedaphiles know how to make things happen. I was hysterical when I hung up the phone.

Mom called me the next day and seemed much calmer. She explained that she was caught off guard by what I had told her and she immediately felt responsible. I told her that I didn't blame her. There was nothing she could have done differently. Then, I had to tell her that two of my cousins had also abused me. She was flabergasted that she had no idea that any of this had transpired.

I wanted to write this when I was feeling calm and at peace. It was huge for me to type this out. I'm tyring to get over feeling ashamed about what happened because I know now that it wasn't my fault.

There is a statistic that I read somewhere that said that 85% of overweight people have been sexually abused. We use fat as armor. We want those who see us not to notice us in a sexual way.

I have lived my life thinking that this abuse has not affected my life. I realize now that it affects everything I do. I believe that in writing this, I'm on my way to helping myself overcome this horrific secret.

I know that many of you will read this and most will not comment. I've even thought about turning off the comments but as Sass mentioned yesterday, why have a blog if no one can comment? Isn't that what blogging's all about?

Now, if I can just click PUBLISH......