I'm writing this post more as a note to myself about how I feel. It's going to sound depressing but really it's how I feel or rather how I view my physical self.
Most times I travel throughout the day going from one task to another without being aware of what I look like. I stay away from mirrors at all costs and when confronted with them I rarely take a peek unless it's to make sure I don't have green things in my teeth or a honking booger hanging from my nose. It's a coping mechanism. If I trudged through every minute thinking about my actual self, I wouldn't get out of bed. It's too depressing. Actually viewing my physical self brings me extreme mental pain. Not thinking about it allows me to be myself rather than some recluse.
Sometimes I'm caught off guard and catch my reflection in a window and think, "Who the hell is the fat chick?" I'm abhorred when I realize it's me. The rest of my day is spent obsessing about how others view me.
Another freakish thing I do is to only focus on faces when dealing with others. I very rarely look at more than someone's eyes and mouth. I actually sat and talked with someone for over an hour and never even realized she was pregnant (8 months). My hope is that others will only look into my eyes and not at the rest of me if I do the same.
I feel like my insides don't match my outsides. I try to be a kind and loving person. My goals are always to make myself a better person inside. This has always been the case even as a child. I live to please others.
Now, I realize how depressing this sounds. As an adult, I've been able to see the great things about myself physically. No matter how much I hate my body, it's the only one I will ever have. It's still the most incredible machine I have ever seen.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Mind Over Matter
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12 comments:
You know I love you no matter what. That person inside you mentioned comes shining through in your comments, in IM, and in person. Regardless if you change or not, I always hope to be your friend.
Honestly, these are just thoughts banging (there's that word again) around in my head.
Barman, you are too kind!
sg, you are beautiful inside and out.
i hope you get the chance to see that.
Babe, I totally hear ya. But I want to remind you of something you said when I first "met" you. You said (paraphrasing)[I'm a big girl and proud of it!] And I saw your photos and told you how hot I thought you were (think you are, still!). We talked about being "big girls" and commiserated about the cost of plus sized clothes, the ups and downs in weight over the years, etc. etc. So, now that you've had a small taste of the forbidden fruit - at least the dangling banana - regarding surgery, you're all of a sudden putting yourself down. WTF?! You are the same person you were when I first met you. Big girl, small girl, short girl, tall girl...you and I have both been all of those at one time or another. I totally hope you're approved for the surgery because I know how much you want it. I just wanted to remind you, though, before you began considering this surgery, you were happy with yourself. You haven't changed since then, inside or out, so remember who YOU are, not what those fucking photos look like that they show you at the Bariatri-Hut. Oh, btw, eyewubewe
Just know I think you are gorgeous! :)
i don't think it's depressing, i think it's healthy to see your inner demons for what they are before you go out and slay them. i also think you have to acknowledge a feeling before you can get past it.
now here's the thing, realising your body is the coolest machine you'll ever own? fucking hoo rah! it's that that will get you to exercise and eat right because you'll start to see those things as oil changes.
that said. babes life is too short to hate your body no matter what it looks like. youre is fit and has carried you into a wonderful life, love it, embrace it and if it's too big right now *shrug* so be it.
i didn't say that as well as it came out in my head but you get the gist.
I have trouble remembering it's what on the inside that counts.........tough to realize when you can't help but see the flaws, right?
A real friend will stick with you, no matter what size you are.
The ones who don't, you don't need to waste a tear about!
Big hugs from me!
When you figure out how to get your outside to match your inside let me know.
Kisses.
Cuz I am still trying to figure that one out...jeesh that sounded so bitch up there so I added this.
It sounded better in my head.
The hazards of the written word.
Thank you for sharing those thoughts. I know it must be hard, but that's what blogs are for right? I don't see any of my blogger pals in physical ways. You are all just there, no strings, no expectations, no judgement.
If it makes you feel any better, I avoid looking in mirrors too. Sometimes I go weeks without looking at my reflection.
Jenn, thanks for being so frank and honest. We all have an insight in to the real you.
People who judge others purely by their physical appearance are shallow.
We your readers see your love and personality shining through every time we visit this blog.
Even the thinest of people are unhappy with their looks. So I suppose we humans are never happy with our appearance.
I hate mirrors too. I'm sending over a big *hug* and the message that things will soon be changing for you. :)
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