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    Sunday, June 01, 2008

    Where Do I Fit?

    My place in this world used to be as the fat girl with the cute face who had to work really hard to make people like me. I had to be the funniest, most outgoing and nicest person in the room. I knew how to work the crowd. I was non threatening to most women.

    I've noticed that people aren't always as friendly to me since I've lost weight. Let me narrow "people" down to females since men don't seem to have issues with me. An example of this happened Friday night. Mr. Sign and I went to a going away party at a sports bar for a friend who works for a hospital so there were nurses, aides and doctors there. We sat at a table close to the friend and had two empty seats next to us. When a couple came in, I invited them to sit with us. The man, who was a surgeon took me up on my offer. His wife chose to sit at a table by herself. Why would anyone want to sit alone at a table at a party? I was put off but continued to be friendly and smiling. A new person came in and she also decided not to sit with us and really wouldn't even converse with me. We didn't stay much longer after that.

    Yesterday I attended a weight loss surgery seminar with a friend. We were sitting all alone at a giant table so I invited a woman to sit with us. She begrudgingly accepted but didn't really speak with me. Twice when I returned from the restroom, this woman was in deep conversation with my friend but immediately stopped talking as soon as I sat down. She ended up leaving and never did speak to me.

    Several months ago when I was at a bar with some friends, we were waiting for a taxi and struck up conversation with several men about our age. One of the men told me that he had been watching me all night. I asked him why he never spoke to me. He flat out told me that I'm unapproachable. I was flabbergasted.

    I explained what has been happening to me to the friend who attended the weight loss seminar. She asked me if I thought I maybe this was my problem and not others'. This got me to thinking, which is always trouble.

    I've been saying that even though my outsides have changed, my insides are still the same. But are they really? How can I not change how I react and behave when people treat me differently? I don't work nearly as hard at trying to get people to like me because I don't feel I have to. People are no longer staring at me and judging me based on my weight. But, they still judge me.

    People with blue eyes and blond hair are judged. Some people feel that blonds have it made because of their looks and the attention they receive based on their looks. I guess it's true to some extent.

    I really have no idea where I fit in in this world. I'm still a fat girl in my head. I have no concept of my actual physical self. I'm just as self conscience as I was at 384 pounds. I've read that it takes a person who has lost a considerable amount of weight 5 years for their brain to come to terms with their new physical being. Does this mean I have 3.5 years of not knowing where I fit in?

    19 comments:

    katie said...

    well, you look amazing and those bee-otches are just jealous! god, why do women have to be so catty, man? just the way of the world i guess, i dunno.

    You fit in as the fabulous woman you are and always were. I think you're awesome, signgurl! :)

    buddha_girl said...

    I'm five years post-op and still see myself as the fat girl.

    Don't know what to tell you.

    Big Pissy said...

    Sweetie.....you are a beautiful, beautiful woman. The women are jealous and the men are intimated. You're not used to it yet, but you will be.

    I say just be yourself and don't worry about other people. You've always been super sweet and kind. You lost weight. You didn't lose your personality. :)

    BTExpress said...

    I could never figure out why women do anything, so I'm no help with this one.

    Yippeeskip said...

    Wow, so many levels to this one. Especially since our insides don't match our outsides. No one's do. Being a lesbian is a bit of a protection from the "she wants my man thing" but then there's the religious sinful thing that comes in.
    Most importantly. Can you look yourself in the eye each morning? Mr. Sign? Your Daughters? Then, that's all that matters.
    Keep on keeping on Jen, your doing just fine.

    kimmyk said...

    i totally get the whole idea of still being a big girl in your head and trying to figure out exactly what you are now. i still struggle wtih that.

    as far as everything else-i'm sorry that happened to you and those women made you feel that way.

    i'm even more saddened that your friend would say the comment that she did.

    it's odd-we've never met, but i've read your words here for what? 3 years now? and these are your honest heartfelt words-the only difference i see is a more confident woman, but with the same heart she has always had.

    if others can't accept you for the way you are-then the heck with them.

    G-Man said...

    I've told you this 1000 times, you are ALWAYS the most stunning chick in the room..That does indeed intimidate a lot of men!!!
    But as soon as you say.."pull my finger", that always helps break the ice.(And the wind)
    hahahaha..xox

    stalkermom said...

    I've been told that I give dirty looks to people all the time. I mean, there are times when I intend to do it, but when it is brought to my attention, I ususally wasn't trying to!

    Jon said...

    WOMEN... sheesh!

    I am with BTE

    lime said...

    well, it makes sense that you feel a bit confused since you have gone through such a dramatic change in a rather short time. really, i think any major life change knocks us for a loop for a while and this is a major life change.

    sad how whether you weigh 384 lbs or 195 lbs and falling, people judge by what they see immediately before them rather than taking time to get to know a person. it must feel very disorienting to you in some ways.

    you're beautiful, giving, and smart jenn. don't worry about the people who can't look far enough to see the interior. (even though your exterior is gorgeous)

    Flyinfox_SATX said...

    Some one very wise once told me that the more successful you are, the lonelier you will become but the higher the quality of the relationships you will have. I find this to be true.

    Flyinfox_SATX

    Susy said...

    Wow that blog was right on track to how I feel somedays. The same but different. It's there loss as you are a wonderful woman that has lots to share.

    Have a good Tuesday Jenn

    cadbury_vw said...

    i'm not up for understanding why people (especially women) do what they do, either...

    gab said...

    Now that would be sad to have to wait that long to know what a great person you are. But then Im still in the fat body so I feel safe. (lol)

    *S* said...

    Hmm. I don't know why those women are acting so oddly. Maybe your attractiveness puts females off or maybe they are putting out some weird competitive vibe. In either event, it says more about them than it does about you.

    Don't let it change how you want to interact with people. Yes, we did have to go the extra mile to get people to overlook or initially get past our weight - I sure relate to that. But that experience not only gave me a lot of empathy for other handicapped people, it taught me a bunch of strategies to make a good impression, win people over, etc. The difference now is that I can choose when to use them. A smile and "cute shoes!" goes pretty far with most other gals.

    Having said that, not everyone is going to like me or even be pleasant. Some people like roses, others daisies and others are allergic! And it's ultimately not in my (or your) control how others act and react. We do our best, being our friendly selves, and some folks grok it and others don't. I don't have a mission statement, but I'm pretty sure "make everyone in the world my happy friend all the time" would be an impossible one - even though I will admit that I too have felt like I "failed" when someone I wanted to like me, didn't or when I couldn't cheer someone up. I wonder if that isn't universal, at least for women, and if it's social or hard-wired in our brains.

    I'm sorry your evening was spoiled by some boorish lass, who was probably PO'ed at her hubby about something or massively insecure. Her loss, bubbeleh!

    **Hugs**

    *S*

    Watty said...

    It will always be something with women. Hair doesn't look good, nose looks funny, too skinny, too fat, not tall enough, funny looking feet, etc...there's ALWAYS something. Just take it as THEIR LOSS and live your life to the fullest :)

    Michele in Michigan said...

    Women behaving badly. Sigh.

    So sorry that you're struggling with this. You don't deserve it. You are a kind, giving woman who happens to be pretty (whether heavy or thinner). The problem is THEIRS, not YOURS.

    I've often thought about how I will feel about myself once I'm no longer a fat girl. It's been a source of my "jokes" for a long time. Laugh at yourself before others can, ya know? I've gotta stop that.

    Hang in there, honey. Continue to blossom and let your smile reflect who you are. They can all kiss your ass. We all love you here.

    Donna said...

    "I really have no idea where I fit in in this world. I'm still a fat girl in my head. I have no concept of my actual physical self. I'm just as self conscience as I was at 384 pounds."

    Sweetie, you need to realize that it is not about you, but rather their egos, the better off you'll be.

    Of course you are who you have always been, but now in their eyes you're more of a threat. That makes them uncomfortable. You've gone and changed your physical-self, which essentially changes the role you play in the lives of others. That "moves their cheese" and rocks their world.

    Don't focus on figuring out who you are and where you fit in. Just know who you are not, and as you do , you will see that you don't really need a place to fit in at all.

    *hugs*

    terry said...

    i think most of us don't really know how others perceive us.

    i just hope these experiences don't stop you from being the friendly, generous woman you are. keep reaching out -- the people who are worth it will respond appropriately.