Remember Ed Grimley? I must say, I'm totally mental! I've been searching my brain for some answers about who and what I am. Soul searching, some might call it. It could be my age as I near the big 4-0 or it could be the fact that I'm a completely different person than I was two years ago, both mentally and physically.
I cannot convince myself that I'm okay at the weight I am. I still want to keep going because I was thinking that I needed to be closer to 150 pounds. I had an epiphany after my oldest daughter poked me on the bone that was protruding from my shoulder and said, "Your bones are popping out all over, Mom. That's disgusting!"
Her comment got me thinking about the fact that I weigh around 180 pounds, but a plastic surgeon guestimates that the excess skin I have is about 25 pounds. That puts my weight at 155 pounds. How crazy is that?
The comment also got me to thinking that my girls are having a hard time dealing with the new me and all of the attention weight loss is bringing me. I know it's hard on their evolving self images. I remind them that I had weight loss surgery because I wanted to be healthy and be able to participate in life with them, not for vanity purposes.
Back to the skin issue. I thought I wouldn't have a real problem with excessive skin. After all, skin is better than fat. I've started building muscle underneath the skin and that makes me ill to look at. I work out as hard as I possibly can, trying to make the skin go away.
I really don't have nearly the issues that most people who lose over 200 pounds do. Some have skin that hangs nearly to their knees. I know I am very fortunate, but it still bothers me to know that if I had it removed, my stomach would be completely flat.
The biggest problem lies in that I would need to have my stomach, arms, breasts and thighs done. This would cost big money that I don't have. I also don't have the time to take to recover from this kind of surgery.
but this is exactly what I looked like before surgery
(it doesn't get any worse than this, folks):
My brain only sees the hanging skin that is left. I thought that after losing this much weight I would be able to look down and be happy with my body. This is not the case.
I'm working on learning to deal with the aftermath of super morbid obesity on my body and psyche. (I may need help coming to terms with the fact that I posted this before picture, ugh!)