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    Thursday, September 04, 2008

    Flash 55, Take 46

    As the gentle rain falls on the last leaves of summer,
    I'm reminded of the changes that are occurring around me.

    Summer will soon turn to autumn. Our long walks on the beach will be distant memories. The way you touched my sun kissed skin will be buried deep in my mind.

    Please don't leave.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here to learn about it.
    If you do one, go tell G-Man that you did.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I haven't done any weight loss pictures in a while. I had #2 take some this morning before I went to jury duty (check back next week for that story). Even though I've only lost 11 pounds since April, I was amazed at how much my body has changed. That's what working out like a crazy woman will get you :)

    (All pictures can be clicked on to see the full sized image.
    There is a button on the left side in the Photobucket site that lets you see the full size)


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    I think this set is the most telling of how far I've come.
    I cannot believe I'm the same person:

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    I did not believe this was me when I downloaded the pictures.
    I cried when I saw this picture:

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    I cried for the person I used to be and I cried for the person I've become. I'm trying to learn to overlook all of my imperfections. I need to be happy with the way I look. I should be ecstatic since I've defied the odds and lost more than any doctor ever dreamed I could. I should dance a jig that I've gone from a size 36 pant to a size 12. I should delight in the fact that I can contort my body in ways I'd never dreamed since losing over half of my body weight. I should scream "Hell Yeah!", every morning when I jump on the scale and see that I'm still down more than 200 pounds.

    I forget who I am sometimes and still feel like the fat woman that I once was and have a hard time understanding why people are treating me so nicely. It's not until I look in the mirror that I remember that I'm not her anymore. The problem is, I don't know who I am...



    20 comments:

    kimmyk said...

    it's hard.
    i struggle with these same emotions some days...especially thinking i'm still a big girl..and that i'm invisible because i'm a big girl still. i dont know it's weird isn't it?? crazy.

    i think you're beautiful. but you were beautiful before. losing weight is an emotional thing...how far you've come...

    i'm gonna miss summer too. i didnt have a beach to walk on, but i imagine your walks in your park are going to be breathtaking in the next few weeks...and in the winter too.

    G-Man said...

    Jenn...
    Such a beautiful thought, makes an AWESOME 55!!
    I think when many of us bloggers look back upon the Summer of 08, we will find that it may have been one of the most eye-opening times of our lives!!
    I learned many many things about My life, and people that are in my life that I love dearly...
    Thanks for playing and have a Great Week-End!!!...galen xo

    Susy said...

    Jenn. You look great. You look happy. Those walks have really paid off, I see a diffrence. This blog was great. Your not alone, I feel alot of what you wrote. One day at a time. Keep smiling, cause you have a beautiful smile. :)

    barman said...

    I know who you are and you are awesome, always have been, always will be. That picture from today is amazing how much difference we see. But then that does not surprise me. I remember just losing 10 pounds when I was at the right weight was unbelievable how what a difference it made and that exercise ... sexy Momma for sure.

    Love the 55. If you figure out how to keep winter away can I join you? I can take fall but the winter, yuck.

    Big Pissy said...

    Jenn: you've ALWAYS been beautiful...inside AND out. I know I tell you all the time how very proud of you I am...but I just can't say it enough. What you've accomplished is amazing. :)

    {{{{hugs}}}}
    ~Pissy

    Missy said...

    Jen, this is an absolutely beautiful and touching 55. Congrats on all your success. Where one door closes another opens. Our journey only ends when we run out of roads to travel.

    Have a wonderful weekend gorgeous.

    Michele in Michigan said...

    You've come so far, Jenn. Every one of my friends who've had WLS have remarked that the physical transformation came much more quickly than the emotional. They also struggle with their fat girls within.

    I don't yet know what I'll feel during this journey. So far, so good. But I'm am so very new at this that I can't even begin to predict.

    I have always seen YOU shining through...even 200 lbs ago. You are an awesome woman. Please don't ever doubt that.

    Mona said...

    By dictionary definition, tears mean an expression of strong emotion, any emotion, sadness or joy. I think those were tears of joy!

    Love your 55ve & love the pictures all the more!

    KJ said...

    It's not what you look like on the outside that defines you....

    your character shouldn't have changed with your weight. Confidence yes.......but character no.

    You're a gorgeous woman on the outside but I'm betting you're beautiful where it counts as well.

    I don't tend to read blogs of those that might be icky people down deep inside....

    be thankful, you have the best of both now.

    You're a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a blogger.....that's who you are..that won't change.

    Dark Lady said...

    I don't know who I am either, I don't think anyone ever truly knows who they are.

    lime said...

    aww jenn, you've gone through really rapid changes, you're the mother of teenagers, and like me you're hitting the big 4-0. i think your feelings of confusion are quite understandable.

    ciara said...

    wow, that was a great 55.

    you look fabulous in your photos. sometimes it's hard to love yourself when you haven't for so long...but you will. :) i only know you from the blogging world, but from what i do know, you're an awesome lady. :)

    Akelamalu said...

    I love your 55. :)

    Congratulations on your weight loss, you have every right to be proud of yourself - you look beautiful! But then you were beautiful before but I understand you must feel better now. :)

    katie said...

    wowzas! girl, you truly are stunning. and i am not just saying that. it's an amazing transformation. you are just a beautiful person both inside and out. and i will never tire of telling you that. :)

    Have a wonderful weekend, gorgeous!

    S said...

    I know what you mean... I never really know what size I am. Most of the time, I am a lot smaller than I think I am. I still buy all of my clothes too big.

    It's just our burden.
    Oh, that and the freakish thigh skin! LOL

    Have a lovely weekend.

    ell said...

    i know who you are....you are one hot mama! and you are a sweet, special person on the inside too. thank you for sharing yourself with us.

    Jon said...

    You are gorgeous Jen. Way to go!

    jillie said...

    WOW is all I can ever say because I am truly amazed by you, your accomplishments AND your beauty!

    I see you're getting ready for Chicago! Woooohooooo!!!

    Donna said...

    First you look fabulous! You make me want to cry!

    Second, it's not always knowing who you are that is imporant. It is more important to kno who you are not; that's what brings you closer to figuring out who you are!

    You are no longer someone who is unhealthy or is unconcered about maintaining health.

    You are not someone who doesn't love themselves enough to treat their body with respect... the very same way you'd treat the ones you love...

    The list goes on. You get my point. :)

    *hugs*

    Lori said...

    I'm going to through my support in too. You have always been gorgeous...but you're healthy now too. And since it's so dramatic of a change it's gonna take time to 'catch up' to it all. But you keep blogging and struggling and you will come through. And the person who said she doesn't think anyone ever does know who they are...that is so true. Very few people really do know who they are.
    And Jenn, I suspect you have always been the type of person that you are now...and THAT'S who you are.
    HUGS sweetie...you are my inspiration!