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    Sunday, September 27, 2009

    Four Years!!

    You may have noticed that I've been blogging a bit again as of late. Quite honestly, I've missed putting my brain here for the world to see. Blogging has brought me through some of the most introspective times of my life. Without it, I know wholeheartedly that I wouldn't be where I am today, a nearly divorced, much healthier single mother of two.

    Four years ago I was in a terrible place, both mentally and physically. I weighed nearly 400 pounds and knew that my marriage was definitely on the rocks. At that time, Mr. Sign had decided to go back to school which left me with oodles of time on my hands at night. So, I picked up the laptop and started playing on line Scrabble. I tired of that and somehow stumbled onto someone's blog. I read it with trepidation, feeling like I was reading someone's diary and shouldn't have been. I was elated to see that people had left comments on the blog. It took me about a week to get up the courage to try my own hand at writing a blog. The trick was finding anyone who cared to read this crap. Writing was titillating for me and I was excited to have an outlet for my brain waves.

    Blogging gave me the strength to realize that I was trapped in a body that I had all but abandoned. Blogging allowed me to see just how completely unhappy I made myself. I hated that body because it held me back from life and all the things I wanted to do, but was physically unable to do. I couldn't run and play with my daughters because I could barely get my own butt out of a chair by myself. I felt terrible for the time I had wasted being fat. Don't get me wrong. I was an active fat person, at least as active as I could be at that weight. I knew people could call me fat, but I would never allow them to call me lazy.

    Blogging also brought about a huge revelation for me. It was here that I was able to divulge for the first time, the abuse I had suffered as a child. I spent most of my life trying to block out memories but found that they surfaced at the most inopportune moments. I decided it was time to face facts and get it into the open. I'm still dealing with all of this and the effects it's had on me.

    So, four years of my life are here on this blog, and what a four years it's been. I've been up, down, kicked around, but I'm still plugging away. Every day I wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I miss monotony. But, man, am I having fun!



    11 comments:

    lime said...

    you really have been through so many huge changes in the last 4 years. you've certainly come out stronger. i'm glad i've had a chance to witness it and get to now you a little.

    k bare said...

    i've read every single word.
    it's made me feel so many different things...
    most of all
    i've found it inspiring.

    thank you for sharing.....you.

    The Savage said...

    I've been on a little over three years... I've gone through four or five blogs.

    You are among the top 10 people to first comment on anything I wrote....

    Susy said...

    And through your blogging I feel like I have a friend. You have inspired me Jenn through your thoughts and sharing with us and me. Glad to see your back blogging and sharing. Susy thinks your pretty cool! Have a great day Jenn and take care of you and those girls. Love ya.

    Big Pissy said...

    Yours was one of the first blogs I read all those years ago. :)

    You're an inspiration.

    xo
    ~Pissy

    Joker_SATX said...

    I have enjoyed reading your blog. Yeah, mostly I am a lurker...but you write with courage...gives me hope as well.

    g-man said...

    You are the most beautiful woman that I know personally!
    You are my friend, mentor, tormentor, and inspiration.
    You light up every room that you enter. And you are ALWAYS the most shining star!
    You were a good wife, you ARE a great Mom, you are a best friend!
    You've made me the blog icon that I've become (bullshit of course)!
    Thank You Jennifer..You Rock!

    cadbury_vw said...

    i'm just looking at the pictures ;-P

    Hey - you're gorgeous!

    terry said...

    i'm so glad you've shared this time with us.

    *smooches*

    Mona said...

    this is such a brave post. I am glad you found blogging! Truly it is very therapeutic and does allow us the strength to take charge of our lives.
    Blogging has helped me through plenty of difficult times too!

    Three cheers to blogging and all the bloggers!

    Sheri said...

    I honor you!