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    Tuesday, October 06, 2009

    It's Over, or So I Thought

    Mr. Sign and I went back to court today and I wasn't exactly sure that the mean judge was going to ok our divorce. She made me sit on the witness stand and answer questions. It felt strange to say that there was a breakdown of my marriage with irreconcilable differences. It was hard because another couple that was divorcing after us was in the courtroom listening. The husband was a big burly guy and he cried the entire time I was answering questions. It was all I could do to keep myself together as the judge agreed to the terms of our divorce. I was then taken into a small room to watch the clerk stamp all the paperwork with my freedom ingrained in it's pages.

    I thought I had worked through all my thoughts and feelings on this subject. More emotions have poured out of me in the last year than have ever come out in the entirety of my life. I was feeling quite self assured that life would be good for me and my girls. Even after Mr. Sign lost his job and stopped giving me support (1/2 my income), I still had a pretty good attitude. I was determined to make it no matter what. I kept it together for my girls' sake.

    Today after court I decided to race the thunderstorm and get my yard mowed and put some flower beds to sleep for the winter. I felt pretty good about what I'd done. The pork roast I had in the oven smelled heavenly as I came in from my chores. Mr. Sign and the girls and I had a wonderful dinner together that was a little more quiet than I had hoped. I thought maybe there would be a little reminiscing and even laughter.

    After dinner Mr. Sign waited to take #1 to college visitation night at school. Sitting there looking at him made me have fits of sheer panic and terror about every detail of my life. I was worried about money, my girls' well being and my own loneliness and desolation. I'm feeling like I'll never be loved again by a man and that I'll spend the rest of my life completely alone. I sat and cried harder than I've cried. I know I scared my daughters. The youngest gave me a big hug and a kiss. She didn't say anything. That hug meant more to me than any other I've received.

    The flood of emotions can stop at any time. I was sure I would make this look easy. As I sit here listening to the wind howl, I'm reminded that no matter what happens now, it's all up to me.

    11 comments:

    Donna said...

    My heart hurts for you girl. Seriously. I remember the day that the judge stamped my papers and I thought it was over... over being that I wouldn't "care" anymore or wouldn't have to feel any emotion anymore. It was strange how it all flooded back with the finality of it all. You'll be fine. You will love again. You will be happy.

    Because really, I could never see you living the alternative.

    For now, be present with yourself and your girls. The rest will come in due time. They will draw strength from seeing you rise, fall and rise again.

    *hugs*

    k bare said...

    The flood of emotions can stop at any time. I was sure I would make this look easy.



    i understand this.
    (hug)

    ell said...

    hang in there jenn. i know you'll get through this. you are a strong and capable person, and if you need to let out some tears now and then, so be it. your blogging buddies are here for you. xoxo

    Susy said...

    i couldn't just read and close this post Jenn. stay honest with yourself. i'm so sorry your feeling so sad. i've been there just crying night after night, scared and alone. i get this and lived you. you will win! Jenn this just means you love with your whole heart and anybody would be lucky to share your heart. HUG sent your way!

    Sheri said...

    I wish I was there with you. I am in spirit. Turn and face it and don't run from the pain-good to see you feeling. Love you sis.

    Joker_SATX said...

    I remember the first time I dropped my kids off at my ex-wife's apartment when we had gotten divorced and I came back home to an empty house....

    The weekend was spent staring at a bottle of Vicodin and a bottle of Jack Daniels....

    ...to this day, I can't remember how I made it through....

    roderick said...

    I live by this prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I had all those fears when My son's mother and I split..but I kept that close in my mind...and I live by it always, and this motto:

    Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be.

    you'll be just fine gorgeous,\.

    Sicilian said...

    I read your post and many emotions flowed through me. My X did not show to our divorce . . . . . my lawyer and I sat in a court room and waited for my name to be called. . . . . I heard 2 other divorces before mine. As I sat I think if anyone had said the least little thing to me I would have cried my heart out . . . . but once it was done . . . . I walked out of the court house. . . . done over 21 years. . . It will be ok. . . . it won't always be easy. . . . you will make it. . . . you will be the better for it. . . keep blogging to deal with all the other stuff.
    Ciao

    lime said...

    you're made of stronger stuff than you realize. it's rough but one day you will look back and be amazed.

    Big Pissy said...

    Jenn, I know it's painful right now and it seems that things might never be ok again. But they will. You can do this. Look at all you've done on your own already.

    {{{hugs}}}

    cadbury_vw said...

    i admire your resolve.

    i have more to say, but my emotions won't let it come out right now.

    white light and a hug your way from me