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    Wednesday, March 17, 2010

    This Is How My Heart Breaks...

    So, yeah, long absence again. A lot is going on in my life. I've been leery to post anything. I didn't even tell you all that I was published in a book this past December because of this blog. I was pretty excited, but trying to explain the book to non bloggers proved impossible. You can see the page I'm quoted on here.

    I had to take on a second job. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world part time and still doing sign work. My new job consists of being the Safety Assistant. This job is agricultural and I have roots there so it's good to get back to them. I work two 10 hour days there and the other three days in the sign shop. So now I'm Safety/Signgurl.


    Yeah, that's a Wintersteiger combine behind me. It's bad ass and German!!

    My weight keeps me struggling. I resigned myself to the fact that I will be 15 pounds heavier in the winter. I tried to continue walking and ended up hurting my back when I slipped on the ice. The injury put me out of work for a week. I still weigh myself every day and my mood depends on what that stupid scale says. Most days it tells me what a fat piece of crap I am. Losing over 200 pounds and I still feel like a fat blob. I wish I could get some of that confidence I had a while back. At one point, I felt like I could take on the world. I'm working my way back to that feeling.

    This next part will be hard for me to write. In fact, some would tell me not to write it, but I'm gonna anyway. I've struggled with loneliness. No one can understand who hasn't truly been alone, as in get up alone, work and come home to no one for a week at a time. THAT is being alone. I dated and met a few nice guys. Once I met one that I enjoyed spending all of my time away from my kids with I decided it was time to introduce him to my kids. (We have been dating since October.) Let's just say that the first time they met things were great. But the next time, since he lives an hour away, I told him to stay at our house and he slept in my bed. This did not go over well with the girls. They have both decided that they would rather live with their dad (who is living an alternative lifestyle *wink*) . To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I have never been hurt as deeply as my own children have hurt me. I shut down completely. I didn't eat or talk to anyone for 2 days. I needed to be alone to get those ugly feelings out. I needed to cry and yell and scream without anyone judging me. My kids have been my life for almost 18 years. I am lost without them.


    My issue with all of this is why is it ok for their dad to see whomever he wants but when mom decides to bring someone home, she is a disrespectful mother. A friend reminded me that I have always been the rock and since dad decided to change completely, they looked to me to keep things the way they had always been. They cannot see me happy with anyone other than their father.

    Thankfully, the "guy" was able to convince me to get up and dust myself off. He told me that I was a g00d mother (my mom says that too, but she's my mom so she has to). He showed me that he was there for me. He saved my life.

    I know I've made mistakes with my girls. I tell them that daily. I'm going to make more. I now realize that this is all just a game to two teenagers who didn't give a lot of thought to the feelings of the person who loves them more than anyone in this world could. They are teens so I have to forgive them for they know not what they do.

    So, this is how my heart breaks and will hopefully be mended soon.

    32 comments:

    Stealth said...

    you know...there it is..

    THAT is you. And you are beautiful.

    I have made mistakes as a parent, no doubt.

    I've been a good mother too though.

    We all make mistakes.

    As far as being a teenager goes, it took me having a child to see things from my parents perspective, and I was instantly humbled.

    No, it doesn't make it feel better now, but what I'm saying is, children grow up dispite their parents or the lies they are told about their parents or their misconceptions as teenagers.

    When they cross over into parenthood themselves, the whole thing changes, and I can say it with confidence knowing I did it.

    I love you, and keep being you FOR you, only you, and the best YOU you can offer your kids which is already there, whether they see it or not.

    Love,
    Stealth

    Stealth said...

    ps, In rebuilding my blog I had lost the link to you but it's back now...

    you can delete this comment after reading it because I was not intending for self promotion..

    stalkermom said...

    You look fabulous in your pictures!

    I agree with Stealth's comments because we've all been there as teenagers and we all have them now, too. Just continue to be there for them and for sure that's what they'll remember most.

    Keep positive and it was nice to see an update!

    Laurie (GastricGirl.com) said...

    I definitely undertstand your absence.. you've had a lot going on. Your kids will forgive you, and I'm glad your guy had you dust yourself off and keep going on. It sounds like a time of self discovery for you, so try to enjoy it!
    The winter is always a tough time with weight, for anyone. Spring is almost here and I'm sure you will bounce back!
    Hugs! :)

    Sarah663 said...

    Glad to hear from you! Keep your chin up, you are doing great!

    The Savage said...

    Every parent makes mistakes in the eyes of their children.
    Your kids are lucky to have a Mom like you who I am certain will accept them without question when they come back....

    Big Pissy said...

    Oh, Jen..... I am SO, so sorry that you're girls have hurt you this way.

    You KNOW you're a good mother.
    Your children KNOW you're a good mother. So does their father and everyone else who knows you.

    You know I love you and am here for you...willing to listen anytime.

    {{{hard hugs}}}
    ~Pissy

    Hoochie Mama said...

    It's so hard being a divorced parent. They will say things to you that they don't mean, they will do things that they don't mean, they will try to hurt you because they don't understand what has happened.

    You are a good mom! You are a wonderful person! They need to realize that you get to be happy also.

    Teenage girls... they are evil. LOL! I never know if Mud is going to be happy, nice, evil, want me to die... it's so confusing!

    Just keep doing what you do! In the end it will all work out. {{HUGS}}

    Susy said...

    you are a brave woman! you are such a beautiful woman inside and out. take care of you along the way too. put yourself on the list. hugs sent to you friend.

    susy

    Red Shoes said...

    I may be speaking out of school here, but you need to have time in your lif for what you want... for what you need... It's difficult being a kid... but over time, they learn the truth... and they will see and always know that you were the one that was there for them... maybe they saw this fellow as being a 'Dad-Replacement'.... I don't know...

    But you are heading in the right direction... keep going that way!!! :o)

    ~shoes~

    香蕉哥哥 said...

    thanks................................................

    Stealth said...

    gimme a call. I don't work till noon... :)

    Angi said...

    I know how you feel. I asked my daughter who she'd rather live with, me or her dad, and she chose him because he's stricter with her! omg.

    Oh, and btw, LOVE your hair in that last pic. Very cute!

    玉鳳 said...

    I do like ur article~!!! ........................................

    lime said...

    sorry it's taken me so long to catch up here. gees, i am so sorry for that kind of pain. so very sorry. i'm glad you've found support from a good guy though. hoping your girls come around sooner rather than later.

    SISU Sheri said...

    I get it! Know that you may fail at some things but YOU are not a failure. I just wrote a blog post about this, maybe you can relate.
    Love to you. www.sisusheri.weebly.com

    Pyrhonik said...

    Nice to see your pretty face again! I bounced here from a comment on Melanaise's HNT. Yours is the only name I recognized and I was very curious to see how life transpired for you. Last I recalled was you going for the surgery. Congratulations on what has to have been a tremendous journey so far!

    Cheers,

    Py

    terry said...

    all parents make mistakes. all parents are human.

    all kids tend to be selfish and self-centered. they'll grow out of it.

    you ARE a good mom. they know it, and one day, they'll be able to express it to you appropriately. seems like they're taking all the difficulties of the changes in their lives out on you because it's safe - they know you'll always be there for them, no matter what.

    i had to chuckle a little about what you said about getting up alone, coming home to no one - welcome to my life! i get it, though - it's completely different from the life you've been living and that's hard and scary.

    hang in there, sweetie. sending hugs.

    DillonT_Bra147 said...

    Nice Post~!!!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    Stealth said...

    Where'd you goooo?? I miss you soooo ... seems like it's been forever since you've been gone...!!

    Ko212ryS_Dahle0 said...

    Nice to meet you~!!!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    Sicilian said...

    I made mistakes too . . . . some of them were very similar to yours. . . . good news. . . you are human. . . they are young. . . .
    Keep moving forward. . . . you will be stronger for the experience.
    Ciao

    SoCal Sal said...

    Nice to see you're still here. You look AWESOME sweetie.

    XOXO

    rodriguezp said...

    Subtlety is better than force. ..................................................

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    洪筱婷 said...

    nice to know you, and glad to find such a good artical!......................................................................

    吳婷婷 said...

    nice job! waiting for your new artical...................................................................

    蔡舜娟蔡舜娟 said...

    Haste makes waste...................................................

    張袁小璇翊瑜 said...

    Words are not living in dictionary. Words are living in mind.............................................................

    joven said...

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    http://forlots.blogspot.com/

    Boonsong said...

    I hope that you'll return to blogging. I like your posts.

    Have a nice day, Boonsong

    Stealth said...

    my number changed...shoot me an email...anievw@yahoo.com