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    Saturday, June 22, 2013

    I'm Sorry

    Seems like I say that a lot lately.  I'd love to catch you up on the last few years of my life but that would take forever and honestly, who really cares?  I'm not down on my life, just being real with where I am in my journey.

    I'm glad that I had the wear with all to write the things I did here.  Recently, I've taken to putting pen to paper with hopes that no one will ever find or read it.  It's easier to write when you know it's only for you.  I've found that everyone judges my every move and it's hard to find someone to talk to that isn't shaking their head at what I'm trying to tell them.  A counselor has become my best friend even though I'm paying out of pocket.

    On the weightloss/gain front, I'm up 50 pounds from my lowest weight.  I've come to begrudgingly accept that sad fact.  My weight is exactly where my weight loss surgeon said it would be which is still down 158 pounds seven years after weight loss surgery.  I'm not nearly as active as I used to be.  I've found that gaining weight makes my entire body hurt.  I need to refocus and get back at it.  It sure makes a difference in my mental health.  I have lost the confidence I once had a my lowest weight.  Something mentally changed and I just don't feel like I have the world on their knees. 

    My daughters are both doing well.  One is a Senior in college and the other a Senior in high school.  I've been thinking a lot about how my life is going to change a year from now when the youngest goes to college.  I need to find more things to occupy my time. 

    On the relationship front, I'm still with the same guy (it's been almost 4 years).  He still lives an hour away.  I made a promise to myself not to move anyone in with me until my youngest is out of the house.  She's had a pretty rough time with the divorce and her father moving his partner in nearly 3 years ago with them.  I've found someone that I love more than I've ever loved any man.  We also have had a hard row to hoe.  I won't get into that here as I respect that he doesn't like me talking about him on the internet.  (He doesn't get the whole blogging thing.)  But, I also see that he loves me in a way I've never been loved. 

    Financially, I'm doing pretty well considering how much money I earn.  The only debt I have is my house.  My credit rating is around 800 and I'm pretty proud of that.  I'm still living in the house and my van is paid for.  Not a bad feat considering my income is about $13,000 a year.  Can you believe I just told the world that?  Honestly, I have everything I need.  I've learned to use what I have and make the most of it.  Don't get me wrong, if I miss a paycheck, I'm screwed, but overall, financially I'm squeaking by quite nicely.   Child support has been pretty much non existent since the ex can't seem to keep a job.  So, I can say I've done all of this by myself and it's made me stronger.  I remember my apprehension when considering divorce.  I was sure I couldn't make it financially on my own.  IN YOUR FACE, SIGNGURL!.  :)

    I'm still working both jobs.  The sign shop is hopping right along and I still love that job.  It's amazing to look around and see that small parts of myself that are all over the area.  I'm sure many of the signs will be here longer than I will.  The agricultural job is also going well although I don't work many hours there.  I've gotten the job down to a science so I'm there much less. 

    I miss my blogger friends.  You have all gone with me on quite the journey that I may never have taken had I not started blogging.  My hope is to come here and get brave again and pretend like no one is judging my life. 

    This is me today, looking much older but hopefully wiser. 


    Sarah663 said...

    I'm so glad you posted. I really miss reading your blog. I hope you know there's a lot of people out here in Blog land that don't judge you, but just love you for Who you are.

    SignGurl said...

    Thank you so much!

    Anonymous said...

    I was just going through some old posts/comments on my blog yesterday and came across a comment from you. I figured I would stop in and say hi. Not sure you remember me, tho. :)

    I'm glad to see you still here.

    Melissa Bickel said...

    No one is your judge Girlio and if they are judging, then they are being judged. Life changes are scary and when you find yourself out on a limb with no safety net at times it can be like "whoa nelly" what the heck happened. I was a single parent after my divorce in 2004.. I literally got about 90 dollars a month from my ex and he thought that was a lot, so I raised my son by myself as well. Still like you I'm proud I was able to keep us afloat and going. He's 22 now.

    Just keep putting one foot in front of another and before long you'll find not only your balance but direction... It's hard to switch from mom to self when the kids are gone.

    I've recently gotten married again to a man in Michigan LOL...So last year I moved up here sight unseen from Oklahoma... I'm so glad I took that step.

    Many hugs sent your way.