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    Monday, April 30, 2007

    You May Not Want To Read This....Do It Anyway

    I thought I was going to die this past Saturday night. I was all excited because my parents took both girls and I was sure Mr. Sign was going to make my eyes roll back in my head.

    The change of plans came at about 1:30 am when I was awakened by the most intense pain in my lower abdomen that I would liken only to childbirth. I tried to reposition myself to alleviate the pain. Nothing helped.

    I got up so I wasn't bothering Mr. Sign.

    It didn't take me long to realize that the pain was moving around my stomach. Could this be gas pains? How arousing is that?

    I tried everything from holding my breath (it hurts less for me when I'm in pain) to taking a shower. Again, nothing helped.

    By 5:30 things were looking worse. I took 4 Gas-X pills which made me dizzy. I'm here to tell you, that there was nothing moving except the trapped gas. It would not come out. By 7:30 am, I was praying for a fart since my entire abdomen was so swollen. Again, nothing.

    My stomach muscles hurt all day, like I had been doing 1000 sit ups. Still no gas escapage (what? It's a word, NOT).

    I actually considered going to the ER since the pain didn't get any better but decided I'd rather die of pain than the embarrassment of not being able to fart.

    Finally, at 11:30 pm I had lift off!!! I've never been so happy to do something so foul in my life. People have no idea how important getting rid of gas is.

    I have no idea what was wrong with me. I'm guessing it might have been a gastrointestinal virus that affected me differently because of the rewiring done to my digestive system.

    Keep the farts coming!


    MilkMaid said...

    LOL praying for a fart. It's one of those things that are unimportant in life, until it's broken. Yeah.

    Glad you feel better!

    *S* said...

    Until someone has had their lower guts rearranged like we have, they can't appreciate what that gas pain - or its release means! We don't have the extra "wiggle room" for the gas to move around. Big, ugly pain. I'm glad you feel better!

    Anonymous said...

    wow jenn that's freaky.
    With your recent surgery it must have been really scary for you. Thank goodness it wasn't serious.
    I usually lay down and pat on my stomach like bongo drums and it forces the gas out.

    lime said...

    oh honey!! i'm sorry. if it's related to post surgical stuff that is very unpleasant.

    lemm give yo ua trini remedy i swear works. they gave it to me in the hospital down there and it was better than gas-x or whatever else.

    get an orange, andy kind, and peel it so the skin comes off in a long strip about a half inch wide. when you peel it try to only get the rind and not the white pithy bit betweenthe rind and the fruit itself. now just hang that strip up in your kitchen and let it dry, it keeps forever. when youneed the gas remedy break off about 6 inches of it (it can be sevral smller peices too) and pour boiling water over it and let it steep like a teabag in a cup. just drink the tea, you cna add a bit of honey or sugar if you want to. even if you dont it's a very mild taste, nto at all offensive, just bland.

    i'm tellin ya, it works.

    jillie said...

    I'm glad the wind blows eastward!

    LOL....oh that was a funny way to start my day. Yes, gas pains are just that...PAINS IN THE ASS!!!!!!!!!!

    Felicia said...

    How fart-astic that you finally did the toot toot LOLOL. Sorry to hear you had a suffering day. Wishing you many "gas blowing" moments to come lolol. =0)

    barman said...

    So is that what happened to that expressway in San Fran? I saw all the flames and just kind of figured. Well that and all the damage.

    I am amazed you made it that long. Every once in a while I get the trots and they just do not want to do what comes natural. The gas builds up and I tell you I could just about die. I work at it for a while trying to shift my gust around hopping for no relief until finally, ahh ... I mean Ewww! But the relief was worth living through the after affects.

    I hope you are able to keep the gas flowing...

    BTExpress said...

    Glad it wasn't more serious. I once knew a very stuck up, snobby bitch that swore she never farted. So we all used to stop by her work area once in a while and let her have some of ours. True story!

    Anonymous said...

    LOL been there! I am very careful about drinking my applejuice and eating my prunes! i want everything moving along nicely with no possibility of holdin up sort of anything incuding air! I havent been cramped up like that for about a year! YAY me!

    terry said...

    yikes, that's kinda scary...

    i wonder what a doctor would have done to induce fartage if you HAD gone to the ER...

    G-Man said...

    Jenn, you really don't want ME commenting on this post do you?

    PS. I knew you farted!


    Lady Roxanne said...


    I have had the same problem...

    I just let em out ewhenever I can

    Danyele said...

    OUCH!!! omg.. I'm glad you're rid of it and feeling better. Just reading that post hurt me. WLS is the "easy way out".. right? F*ck no it's not. Take care sweetie