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    Friday, January 25, 2008

    Flash 55, Take 22, Epiphany

    Aurora didn't like to be told what to do.
    In fact, she went out of her way to do the opposite.

    Things always needed to be her way or she never enjoyed herself.

    She had been this way as long as she could remember.

    She had an epiphany.

    An abusive childhood made her this way.


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    If you are interested in attempting to write a 55, you can visit here. If you do one, go tell Susie that you did.

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    I've been thinking a lot about why I'm so into being in control of what people want me to do. I had blamed this whole phenomenon on being a first born. Most of us like things our way and pout when things can't be perfect. I can remember sitting in the corner pouting because I didn't want to do something I was told to do. Yeah, it was just yesterday.

    It had never occurred to me that my control issues were rooted in my childhood abuse. (Weird, I had a hard time writing my childhood abuse. Who else's would it be that I'm talking about? I'm not sure I want to take ownership of that.) Abuse is all about control, or lack thereof for the abused. You're never more out of control than when someone is controlling you using mind tricks.

    I've spent the last 30+ years trying to ignore and forget what was done to me as a child not realizing that it would affect me every single day for the rest of my life.

    17 comments:

    barman said...

    That sounds just like me. Not the abuse part but everything else. Get me to buy into something and things go well, otherwise they do not. My worst was being grounded for the better part of a month when I was growing up because I refused to do a chore I was told I had to do. It was not pleasant but it certainly was not worth the results.

    Wow I have not spent a lot of time thinking of abuse and certainly not from that angle. I know it is not easy to talk about or write about but I am glad you do share what you do. Hopefully you find it helpful.

    Hugs to my friend.

    G-Man said...

    Jenn...
    One of the bravest and touching things that I have ever read, was your post about revealing about the abuse..
    At that moment, I felt a very strong bond with you.
    You are one of my very best and trusted friends in the whole world..
    You are a rose, among the thorns!!!
    Great 55 BTW...xoxoxox

    Mona said...

    That is a great 55 Jenn

    I have not read that post though, I might have to browse through to search for it...

    Lori said...

    HUGS...

    signed,
    another abuse survivor

    Akelamalu said...

    I KNOW where you're coming from. xx

    Mine's up.

    lime said...

    it took a lot to get both those posts out. i hope that in so doing you are able to find some measure of healing.

    katie said...

    oh, sign. i love ya, girl. you are so brave and i appreciate your honesty. i went back and read that post about your abuse. you are a strong woman. and i admire you all the more because of your openess about it.

    My father and his 3 brothers were sexually abused by a priest when they were kids. the abuse destroyed my father in many ways...and in turn destroyed our family. my heart breaks for anyone who has gone through sexual abuse or abuse of any kind.

    Hugs to you, girl. I'm so honored to know ya even if it is just through the blog. Thanks for sharing.

    DIXIECHICK said...

    I can totally relate to the abuse thing..my 2nd ex husband was very abusive to me...and a lot of it, was the mind games he would play with me...he tried so hard to make think I was crazy, losing my mind...so, I can understand....just wanted you to know. I have never written about that time in my life, one day, I hope that I can be as strong as you, and share it, so hopefully my story will help as well...once agan, thanks for sharing. Good 55, by the way.

    Charles said...

    Abuse is why I feel so strongly about how we raise our children. I wasn't sexually abused, but I was physically and mentally abused. I too have my issues. I deal with them everyday, as you say, or I ignore them and deal with the consequences. I still have a lot of healing to do, and I'm afraid there will be no totality to the healing by the time I die. Best we can do is break the chain of abuse and raise our children as we would have liked to have been raised.
    Nice 55 by the way. Well done.

    smarmoofus said...

    That makes a great deal of sense. You didn't have a lot of control as a child, and now you've grown up and bygawd nobody is going to make you do anything you don't want to do ever again. Good for you! Try to be reasonable where it's due, but don't let anybody run your life.

    I also haven't read back to your disclosure, yet. But I've had enough experience with the subject... yeah. Anyway, stay strong!

    -smarmoofus (I'm up!)

    S said...

    When you talked about being a control freak all I could think of is that film darjeeling express in which ...owen wilson is the older and bossy version of three brothers....its hilarious!

    Have a great weekend!

    KJ said...

    hugs and thoughts to you

    BTExpress said...

    I reread the abuse post and it still irks me that people do crap like that. Sickness my ass, I feel sexual abuse should be treated more like rape, than anything else. IMO, there's not much difference.

    Manny said...

    Just checking in.

    cadbury_vw said...

    i've often wondered about who did it to my stbx's uncle, who then abused my stbx

    and all of the issues that have traveled forward with her

    and what's happening to my kids now - at least she is not sexually abusing them, though - as the pain of previous generations is passed down

    ----

    i feel for your pain

    i feel for your need to control what is happening to you - after having that control and security torn away in the past

    and i feel for you - the anxiety not having control causes. not control in a malicious or commanding way, but control in a defensive manner

    Strumpet said...

    Whoah.

    This is some heavy and enlightening shit here.

    And you are ABSOLUTELY correct.

    Many of my control issues are rooted in the abuse suffered as children.

    And it is VERY hard to take ownership of that.

    But, it is exactly what it is.

    GREAT F-ING 55, Sign-babe.

    Marvelous, in fact.

    xoxo, and keep warm and toasty

    I'm going to try playing with that head today, thanks for the tip.

    I'm with Mona...I'm gonna have to go searchin' for that post sometime.

    Strumpet said...

    Okay, I clicked on the link and that is one amazing outpouring of your experiences with such hardship.

    You are courageous as a human being and beautiful as a woman and in reading that, all of your strength and self-confidence in overcoming what happened to you simply radiates in every single solitary word.

    Jenn, you are absolutely one powerful woman to be able to share the things you have been through and continue to deal with in the ways that you do.

    I believe others have also used the term 'inspiring' and it's just because it's so true.

    It's inspiring to know that when you make the attempt to love yourself, you can really come so very, very far in this world. And when I come here, I see that in you so very, very much and hope that some of it rubs off on me.