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    Sunday, February 10, 2008

    Friend Or Foe?

    I was over at Jen's blog reading a post about her battle with bulimia. This post brought about a realization for me.

    I spent the better part of 20 years completely ignoring my weight. I very rarely weighed myself because when I did, I would feel horrible and punish myself mentally for being grossly morbidly obese. If I didn't weigh, I didn't feel quite as bad about myself. By ignoring the scale, I was able to obliviously eat my way to nearly 400 pounds.

    I know some of you are asking how someone can get to that weight and not be aware of it even if they weren't using the scale. I wore clothing that was very forgiving of gaining weight (i.e. stretch pants). Large size clothes have the ability to take you 50 pounds in either direction. I spent that 20 years not looking into a full length mirror. If I looked in the mirror, I had a hard time facing the day, let alone being able to look others in the eye for fear of being judged.

    When you get to a certain point with weight gain, you feel hopeless. It's not feasible in your mind that you could easily lose 200 pounds and keep it off. The more you weigh, the further you feel from ever being a normal weight. Life as a thin person seems hopelessly out of reach.

    Since having my weight loss surgery, I've weighed myself every day. Well, that's not entirely true because initially I couldn't weigh myself on my own scale because it only went up to 340 pounds. My reasoning for weighing every day is that I don't ever want to be surprised by my weight again. I have vowed to weigh myself daily for the rest of my life.

    I wish I could say I only weigh once a day. When I was reading Jen's post, I found myself nodding when she spoke about how many times a day she was weighing. I weigh myself before I go to bed and immediately as soon as I get up in the morning. I weigh again after going to the bathroom and then after showering. I have no idea why I think my weight would change in that hour.

    The scale dictates my mood. If my weight is up, I feel like crap all day and obsess more than usual about my food intake. If I've lost, I feel excited and hopeful that one day I will see my goal weight.

    I'm left wondering if my body is done losing. I want to lose at least 20 more pounds (if not 40). I worry every day that I will regain the weight back. Does this make food choices any easier for me? Hell no! I struggle every day with making the right dietary decisions. I document every morsel that passes my lips but have a hard time keeping my calories below 1300. I know these last pounds are going to come off hard. I really just hope they come off.

    I'm making the scale my friend, hoping it will aid me in a lifelong struggle to keep this weight off.

    14 comments:

    t_cole said...

    that was painful to read.
    on a very personal level.
    you really nailed my thought processes a few times there...

    t

    Strumpet said...

    I think as women, we tend to check that scale WAY too much sometimes.

    I weigh myself every day too, Sign-babe.

    xo

    KEEP WARM!!!

    kimmyk said...

    i think the first year i was post op i weighed myself all the time, but now 2.5 years later-i hardly get on. the last time i was on the scale said i gained 6 pounds. but my clothes continue to get looser so i say let it say what it wants as long as i'm feeling better about myself. but for the most part-i dont get on it anymore.

    it sucks to fear an inanimate object.

    Rebicmel said...

    Girl the saying we are our own worst enemy is so true. I can totally agree with so much of what you say as I have weight to lose and never looked in full length mirrors but I have started embracing myself for who I am and in the I have found the motivation and drive to be a better me, that means however my day goes and what goes in my mouth that day doesn't determine my worth as a person and in this I have found the drive to reinvent me as a person and naturally by body is reaping the rewards. I wont say it's easy lord it isn't I have been doing this for over six months and in this time I have lost over 30 lbs and it's hard to see it coming off so slow but I am finding satisfaction in that I Know have the determination to stick with it. Your accomplishments are wonderful kiddo, you look excellent, don't punish yourself by worrying over the small things now, you have conquered the hugest part of your journey, now you just need to work on your soul and confidence kiddo. Always be true to you and I think then you will find the satisfaction in allowing yourself to accept the good job you have already done!!!!! You rock kiddo.

    Susy said...

    You wrote the other day that "i inspire you". Wow... I have been reading your blog for sometime now and I have always felt like you inspire me! It's nice knowing we all share the same struggles. Maybe at different times in our life, but we all learn from each other. I read Jen's blog the other day too and was shaking my head as I understood what she wrote and what she is feeling. I have said this before: I wish the Dr could of bypassed my head as well". LOL Thanks for sharing your journey along the way. Your doing a great job and keep up the great work! Susy

    G-Man said...

    Susy..Jenn IS an inspiration to us all..
    She is always right about her "Blogging instincts", and she is dedicated and very hard working in all that she does!!!
    She has been my inspiration every since The very first time I read her post..Jenn ROCKS!!!!!

    Lori said...

    HUGS Jenn...you are so brave to face this and to post about it. You are a hero in my eyes girl.

    cadbury_vw said...

    yeah

    the scale

    the .5 lb drop after going to the bathroom

    the sometimes 2 or three lbs up from morning weight to evening (i drink a lot of water)

    i don't own a scale anymore. haven't much thought about getting one since moving from the house

    i weigh myself at the gym - before and after workout

    just sayin'

    you're not alone

    Donna said...

    Good God, I think I've written this exact thing before:

    "The scale dictates my mood. If my weight is up, I feel like crap all day and obsess more than usual about my food intake. If I've lost, I feel excited and hopeful that one day I will see my goal weight."

    jillie said...

    I haven't had a scale in my bathroom in about 15 years and refuse to have one for that fact. I know that my body has and will change over the years and yes, I have put on weight but that's ok. I know I will never look like the sick, anorexic looking models nor would I want to. I want to be a REAL woman...one with curves and have something to hold.

    What a great post Jenn!

    XOXO

    katie said...

    alls i knows is this, sign gurl...you rock!!! and i love ya!

    Have a great week, g-money! :)

    Pam said...

    It took me a while, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I don't make the scale a part of my everyday life. *IF* I weigh myself it must be first thing in the morning before I eat breakfast. If I forget to do it before I eat, the scale is off limits for the rest of the day. The number will not be true. My official weigh in day is tuesday mornings each week -- and that's the only number that counts for me.

    I think establishing a healthy relationship with our scale is just as important as the healthy relationship with food that we are developing. It's all part of the big picture, right?

    ~PAM

    snowelf said...

    I think I should write on my scale, too. Is that actually your scale, or just a pic you found? What a fabulous idea!!

    I weigh myself constantly for the exact same reasons. And yep, totally a mood inhibitor.

    --snow

    barman said...

    Been there, done that way to many times. I hope you get to where you are not weighing every day. Ones body normally fluctuates so much that it is a shame to have that be a basis for how you feel that day. It is nothing to gain water weight even for guys. Staying the same weight for several days when in fact you are actually losing real weight is another cute trick the body loves to play. Anyway good for you keeping an eye on your weight. You have to do what ever works for you.