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    Tuesday, March 10, 2009

    Great Expectations ~ Part Deux

    This is a continuation of the post below...

    So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we were telling our families that we were divorcing. That was interesting. My mom wanted me to wait to tell my grandma until after the holidays. When I called to tell her, she barraged me with questions about why we couldn't make things work and what our problems were. She gave no regard to my feelings and how I was dealing with all of this. Her concerns were about our family not being "perfect" anymore.

    I should tell you that most people assume that the demise of my marriage was based on the weight loss. This would only partly be true. It's a fact that losing the fat gave me the courage to venture out of my comfort zone and know that I could try and do things on my own. I would have never even tried to go it alone at 384 pounds. The world is just too cruel to fat chicks. I remained comfy and cozy within my fat walls.

    No, this mostly had to do with the fact that I had decided that I had loved the one I was with long enough. In the process of my self discovery, I encouraged Mr. Sign to find out what made him happy, knowing full well what that was. All I'm going to say about that is that he decided to chose and alternative lifestyle and I want nothing but happiness for him.

    In the midst of all of this turmoil, I became ill and was diagnosed with something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. As I was reeling from this news, two days later, Mr. Sign lost his job, including all health care benefits.

    I was beyond myself and felt so completely alone. I have never been alone for more than a day in my entire life. I can only say that I was as low as I've ever been to the point of almost not being able to function. I got through my day and spent the evenings and nights just sobbing alone in my bedroom. I had been seeing a counselor but could no longer do so without insurance. Great timing, huh?

    Somehow, with the support of my family and friends, I was able to pull myself up and out of the darkness. I wanted to blog, but as a great friend and fellow blogger said, "You don't want people to feel sorry for you. You know they will if you tell them what's going on".

    So, we had my measly income, two residences, double bills for everything and no way to pay for it. We spent much time together while he looked for a job. He wanted to spend as much time with the girls as he could. This was hard on us both. We had a hard time being around each other as it made things seem like old times. We finally came to the conclusion that we really needed to be apart for both our sakes. I should mention that most of this happened after our trip to Las Vegas, so basically just after the first of the year.

    Mr. Sign finally got a job that is actually better paying so we were able to file the paperwork for the divorce. Since everything is amicable, the lawyer will file a motion of hardship which will push our divorce through in 60 days instead of 180.

    Imagine that I was thrown literally into the dating world by a friend with good intentions. She decided that I needed to get out there and play the field. I haven't dated in over 20 years. My, how times have changed.

    To sum things up, I'm stress eating, lonely, poor and confused, but I'm alive and kicking. I am ready to face the new big bad world on my own, but still have my moments of self doubt.


    So what have you all been up to?


    Big Pissy said...

    Jenn.....you know how I feel about all this.



    kimmyk said...

    Well first off, that person that told you:
    "You don't want people to feel sorry for you. You know they will if you tell them what's going on"."

    REALLY REALLLLY (stressing really here) shouldn't speak for people they don't know. Namely me. That kind of pisses me that someone would tell you that. It's not a feeling of sorry that anyone feels, or I should say I feel, it's a feeling of helplessness that I'm not there to hold you up when you need it. But I am here (as I always have been and will continue to be) so if you ever need an ear...I am here.

    Now, I'm so glad to hear you're venturing outside your comfort zone-how exciting and scary that must be! I hope that you embrace everything that gets in your way and see where it leads.

    Dating? OMG. I can't imagine getting back out there, but shit I can't imagine riding a bull and looky you go with your bad self!

    I have no doubt you're going to be okay. You have the love of your family (even that grandma of yours) and all of us in the blogsphere.

    Keep your chin up chickie.

    Oh! what have I been up to? Had my tummy tuck done. Wo0t!! Crazy weird seeing your feet when you look down after so many years of seeing..well, not my feet.

    ell said...


    can't tell you how my heart goes out to you and your family. you are a beautiful, strong, person, both inside and out, and i'm sure you'll get through this. please know that you're in my thoughts as i'm sure so many others and wish you the best. just wish i could do something to help.

    hugs and love to you jenn

    ell said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
    g-man said...

    Jenn....Good Job!
    With Everything!!!

    Don't ya just want to tell people that think they know you to kiss your ass? I know I do.....

    Kim H. said...

    Hang in there - it sounds like you're slowly making your way to a happier place. :-) I just saw the picture of you bull riding!! I was just telling someone the other day that I'd love to do that, but am too chicken!

    Sheri said...

    Don't you know that I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself to feel sorry for you? Kidding! It's all about me.
    Love ya Jenn, call me and tell me about the new guy

    lime said...

    your true friends, whether bloggers or 3D versions are going to be there to support you. yes, we will be moved by your trials and maybe feel frustrated by not being able to actually do much for you but we will love you and be there to prop you up, or make you laugh, or listen to you after a bad day. and who knows....you may even inspire a few of us.

    i'm sorry for all the pain you've been through. you're strong. you're loved. in the end, you'll be ok.

    Donna said...

    I can't say anything that your dear friends haven't said already, but I wish I could give you a hug.

    You, my dear, are a tough chick... that's why you've been able to pull yourself up by your big girl panties.. errr, ummm not-so-big-girl panties, a git-along. I know it's tough. I've been through a life changing divorce, but in the end after all the pain subsides (or we become numb) the reasons "why?" finally come to light.

    You have a bright energy and spirit about you. Even still, right now, even in your funk, there is a light. Focus on that -- it's a plus. Focus on all that is right in the face of everything that may be wrong.

    Blah, blah, blah... I'm rambling. Sorry... I could go on. If you only knew where I was 10 years ago... Oiy!

    In the meantime, spend your free-time bull-riding. Why not? LOL


    stalkermom said...

    Hi Jenn...you guys are certainly handling your situation impressively. You've always been strong, so I wouldn't expect anything else!

    Leigh said...

    Change is never easy, but can be so good in the end. Dating..... yikes. It can be scary, but also so much fun and exciting. Enjoy it!!

    Pam said...

    So I was driving down I-75 on Friday morning last week and YOU popped into my mind. I realized I hadn't heard anything from your blog in ages and knew you were going through some crap. So I started praying, asking God to give you strength and to wrap His comforting arms around you. Every morning for the past week you are on my mind while I drive to work and every morning I've been praying for you in earnest.

    I'm glad to see you back online. I'm sorry things are so hard right now ... but I have faith that you are a strong woman who can handle any challenge set before you. You are amazing!

    :: hugs ::

    BTExpress said...

    Your blogger friends aren't here to pity you, but are here to support you and yes, feel badly for you when you need them to help you through tough times. Times like this we all could use all the friends we can get.

    Too bad we couldn't hook up when Lori and I were in Detroit. Maybe next time, k?

    wayne said...

    glad you are back

    you will get thru all this

    and be a stronger person going

    going foward

    Mona said...

    know that you are loveable, no matter how life, or people treat you!

    And that if one door closes, many more will open for you...

    Wish you all the best for your new life!

    gab said...

    I cant tell you that I know what your going through but I can tell you that I will be here if you need an ear.(you know where to find me)
    And as for not blogging about whats going on....good grief here is where you have your biggest supposrt group!!! Hang in Jenn it will be ok.

    S said...

    It's gonna be ok.

    Sheri said...

    Just me, thinking of you

    buddha_girl said...

    You're tough. Bottom line.

    Continue to keep that head up and realize that even the toughest people have down, shitty, crapola days.

    You're made of stronger stuff than depression and emotional distress. You'll come clean of it all in due time. Not when people say "it's time." Rather, WHEN IT'S YOUR TIME.

    Don't let others' words guide what you think and do so much. Take care of you. First and foremost.

    Jon said...

    After 13 years of marriage I jumped right into dating. Lets just say it can be messy. I think I told you about some of that.

    One thing I needed to learn was how to be comfortable when alone.

    I jumped into dating right away too. I realized later that it was a mistake, but it does allow you to see life differently. I found out I wasn't disgusting like my ex made me feel.

    Enjoy your friendships, and have some fun. You will get a second wind and feel much better about it. I promise.

    I'd hug you if I could.


    Sicilian said...

    Dating is different the 2nd time around.
    Take your time. Go slow. . . . use your blog as your stress release.
    I began the blog whle I was dealing with divorce of a 21 year marriage.
    Thinking of you

    jillie said...

    You will get through this and most of all, you still have that radiant smile on the gorgeous face of yours. Enjoy the new life and new world. You only go around once. It's not worth living if you're not happy!

    Evening said...

    Jen, I don't feel sorry for you at all. I respect you for being so strong and brave and making so many hard choices and taking that leap to change things. You are amazing. I hope each day gets a little easier and better days are just ahead.
    I wish you nothing but happiness to come.

    Rita said...

    I've always found my blogger family to be a constant and renewable source of strength and support, but like you, I abandoned my blog when I needed the most support.


    I've just found your blog through a friend, but I can tell you this: you are not alone.

    As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure we are living parallel lives.