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    Monday, April 06, 2009

    Where Was I?

    Life as a separated, single parent is just plain strange to me. Most of my friends don't call or make an effort to find out how we are doing. Their response is that they just don't know what to say. "We always thought you were the perfect couple.". I'm here to tell you that nothing and no one is perfect in this world.

    For those people that assume that the dissolution of our marriage was based solely on both of us having weight loss surgery, you simply have no idea. Our problems started way before that. What I will say about losing over 200 pounds, is that it gave me the courage to know that I could venture out on my own. I knew at 384 pounds that the world was too mean to fat chicks and wouldn't allow me to live life alone.

    Living life on my terms has empowered me to know that I can make it in this world. It has also given me moments of sheer terror about being all alone. I become panicked when I think about what I have to do totally on my own. Things like keeping up the lawn and taking care of the house. (I should tell you that Mr. Sign has given the house and most of the contents to me. He has been more than fair and for that I am grateful.) During these fits, I basically lose my mind and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I hate emotions, or at least hate showing my emotions. I've always been the strong one who was there for everyone else. I'm not used to having to lean on others for emotional support. God has put new people in my life to help me along this journey, since the old ones seem lost.

    Only those that have been there seem to understand that divorce is worse than a death. At least with death, there is some finality. I find myself happy one minute and sobbing the next. Mourning a lost time, not necessarily a lost relationship. I miss the simplicity of married life. You know the one: Get up, go to work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

    Things seem harder because Mr. Sign and I remain friends and don't hate each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier to break that 21 year old relationship if we despised each other.

    Some of you have asked how I'm doing with my weight. I'm going to be totally honest and let you know that I have regained about 8 pounds. This scares the crap out of me. I know that it's because I have become a stress eater. I am powerless over food. No matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, the more they seem to call out to me, promising comfort from the evils of the world. The more I worry about eating, the more I want to eat.

    Regardless of how bad I know it's going to be, I still weigh myself every day. I spoke with my weight loss surgeon and he assured me that weight gain is normal. In fact, most people gain back at least 20 pounds. I don't want to be that statistic. I am hopeful that with the approach of Spring will come a loss of appetite.

    I also struggle with the fact that when I do lose weight, it is usually in my face. I don't like looking gaunt and sickly. I also don't like my big fat rear end. It's kind of a toss up, big butt or super skinny face.

    Thank you all for your kind and sincere words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you are there for me during this turbulent time in my life.

    I will leave you with a few pictures of the girls and me:





    25 comments:

    buddha_girl said...

    I love that last pic with you and the girls. Stay tough when you need to and rely on those people you can trust through this time.

    Muddling through is what I usually do when I'm faced with a crap situation that appears to have no positive in the mix. So without further ado - muddle, Jenn. You can do it. I believe in you.

    Susy said...

    You Jenn have no idea how much I admire you. You have over come your fears and doing what HAS to be done. That's brave, wonderful you should be proud of yourself everyday. And how you talk about Mr. Sign...never a bad word...that's so refreshing Jenn. Hate is not good for the soul or spirit. Be thankful it doesn't have to be like that. I hate it when people forget that they once loved each other and the gloves come off and the mean shit starts. You have grown and are growing, you will find someone who loves you for everything your worth and with a whole heart. I've missed you and thought of you often. Good hearing about you. Take care of you!

    G-Man said...

    Three Hot Chicks!!!!!!

    Team Kitty said...

    Your butt looks great, Jenn. For me it's my thighs. And I'm not worrying as long as I know I need to hit the gym. I don't get the not calling thing - tho it happened to me when I left an LTR nearly 20 years ago. Hurts like hell and can't be easier with kids. Only you know what price you paid living with Mr. Sign. And living free and honest to who you are doesn't come cheap. But it was the right thing to do, no doubt, given who you are.. and who you are becoming.

    *Hugs*

    TK

    Donna said...

    Talk about growing on your journey. :) You might not feel like it much of the time, but you are managing through each life change put before you. Never minimize the fact that you ARE making it through each and every day. That is huge.

    I used to say that I wish my ex cheated on me with a woman. It would have been much easier to be mad at him for cheating on me with another woman, instead of a Whiskey bottle. :) LOL

    Hang tough girlie-girl.

    Great pix... :)

    Kim H. said...

    I love the picture of you guys in the car... that cracks me up!

    Hang in there - I sort of have an inkling of what it feels like because my husband and I almost split a few years ago, but I know it's not the same. It is hard, and there is no way around that - you just have to face forward and put one foot in front of the other... and pray that God will help you through it.

    It certainly does teach you who your friends are though!

    I'll be praying for you guys.

    lime said...

    thanks for the update. i know it must be incredibly difficult and probably the hardest thing you've ever done. but as you said yourself, the weight loss surgery helped you see what you are capable of. and you've also found out who your friends are. lean on the true ones.
    big hugs, jenn.

    Liza said...

    I am a new reader of your blog and I just wanted you to know that I admire you for your courage to do what you need to do to find your ultimate happiness. I will be thinking of you!

    Sicilian said...

    Dear Gurl. . . . I have been there done that a few years ago. . . the only difference is that I made it perfectly clear that when we divorced that there would be no friendship. . . my kids were 14 and 18. . . . I had one really good friend who would call. . . take me to eat. . . send my kids cards. . . the other friends. . . . they were just like your friends. . . confused. . . the perfect family. . . the perfect couple. . . . truth be known. . . . I did a damn good job making it all look good for 21 years. . .
    You can do this . . . exercise to get those positives endorphines going through the brain . . . spring is coming. . . it will bring renewal. . . new birth. . . a fresh perspective.
    Ciao

    Big Pissy said...

    Jenn, you're doing great! You really are. :)

    Love that last picture of you and the girls~so cute! :)

    kimmyk said...

    i can't imagine what its like, but i wont lie, there have many days in my life where i wish i knew. (does that make sense in a cryptic sort of way?)

    spring is around the corner (hopefully) and you'll get back out to your spot and walk those 8 pounds and then some off. you're good like that!

    love the pics of you and the girls. so sweet!

    ell said...

    glad to hear your voice again, i've missed you!

    hang in there, i know you'll make it through this. you are an extremely strong person and i SO admire you and all you've done. please know you're in my thoughts and i'm rooting for you and the girls.

    xoxoxo

    cadbury_vw said...

    i hate showing emotion too

    emotion always brought pain or derision

    my girlfriend is helping me work through that

    there are still times when it get too much and i have to cry

    just letting you know that it happens to others - so let your self feel

    let yourself cry

    tears and words will help you through

    (how's that for advice from a guy?)

    wayne said...

    nice to get an update

    you are a VERY strong lady and

    things will work out for you

    and you will become a stronger

    person when the divorce is final

    YES KEEPING THE WEIGHT OFF IS HARD

    BUT I AM SURE YOU WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!

    terry said...

    oh, sweetie, i so know what you're going through. it can be so scary and so lonely at times.

    one day, i think you'll be really glad you and mr. sign are still on good terms. it's hard to completely lose someone who's been at the center of your life for so long.

    i wish i had some words of wisdom to share. hang in there. it gets easier, i swear. and my god, just think of all you've accomplished in the past few years.

    you're amazing!

    here for you when you need me...


    xoxo
    terry

    Sheri said...

    Jenn, my sister, Maybe we can talk this weekend? Know that you are not alone even though you may feel lonely. Your grief is real and making new traditions and rituals are important. You are strong even if you show your emotions, even stronger.
    Sheri

    BTExpress said...

    It seems like you are going through the same abandonment that I went through when my wife got brain cancer and then died. None of my old friends have anything to do with me. I even lost my wife's family. I don't get it, but I've accepted it and moved on. As you have to too. It's tough, but that's the way it is.

    GastricGirl said...

    Thanks for sharing what had to be a very hard thing to put into words.
    Turning to food in times of stress is something I'm used to as well, and now that we're so far post op and CAN eat more, we need to really focus on how to deal with stress, vs. eating. It's the hardest part in my opinion! Hugs! You have a lot of people who are here for you!

    Anonymouse said...

    Wow... I leave for a couple months and all hell breaks loose!

    So sorry about your marriage, but very happy you have the "balls" to change your life even more than you already have. I'm proud of you, and I KNOW how difficult it can be to remain friends, but the girls are young and there are a lot of years ahead, so it really is better. You are right though, its a lot easier to slam the door shut when you have hate n anger on your side. ;)

    Good luck to you Jen, if you need an ear... i'm around.

    Micky said...

    John 3: 16 For God so loved the world, as to give his only begotten Son; that whosoever believeth in him, may not perish, but may have life everlasting.

    Micky said...

    I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH

    I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY CAUSE OR REASON TO BE ASHAMED TO LOVE JESUS.

    Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honours?

    For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? To love deformity, and not beauty?

    Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him.

    But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.
    This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good."
    But the time will never come, the day will never be, that a gracious soul shall be ashamed of his sincere love to Jesus Christ.

    S said...

    Aw Jenn, you are doing swell.

    I remember when my loser first husband left me when I was but a dewy 21 year old...that was tough. I was alone in the big city.

    I think that everyday it will get easier and easier, and thank goodness that you and your childrens father get along, that is a blessing.

    All my best to you and this too:

    ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

    Tina... said...

    u should rename your blog 'skinny Jen'....i love it!

    Sarah said...

    Honey..

    If you need me, even though I am not as knowing about the situation as some.. I am here..

    BTExpress said...

    Thank God for the girl's sake, you two are friendly. My parents couldn't stand each other when they divorced, even before. I doubt that they know how hard that was on us three kids.

    One day you'll get over this enough that you'll go out with other men and get back to a reasonably normal life. In the means time, good luck.