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    Sunday, April 26, 2009

    Quit Yer Complainin'

    It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

    I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

    Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

    About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

    I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

    Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

    Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

    The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

    So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

    No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

    19 comments:

    lime said...

    congrats on getting back on track. i know your world has been rocked. you started to sink for a while but you started to swim before going under completely. keep going, girl...one day at a time.

    big hugs

    Susy said...

    You are a strong woman that has just been knocked out of her comfy shoes. But when I read between the lines I read of a strong, caring,loving, great mom and woman that didn't get what she had planned out in life. You will bounce out of this and continue to be the strong woman I know you are. Get mad, cry-let it out! It's ok- No one said life was fair, but they didn't tell us we couldn't yell and scream or cry if we needed too. Spring is hear and your aware of the mistakes you have been making and what you want to change. Go for it Signgirl. It's time for Jenn to be happy! :) Miss ya-love ya!

    Kim H. said...

    I am sad that people are out there looking for WLS folks to fail. The fact of the matter is that it's hard, and it's a life-long struggle... and beyond that - life happens, and things get stressful. The great thing is that you're back on track, and you are DOING something about it. That's more than most - most would just sit back and wonder why it happened... you are a warrior and are taking control. :-)

    ell said...

    jenn, i know you can do it. there's no way you're gonna let all that hard work go to waste (waist--no pun intended!). you just hit a bump in the road, ok, a major mountain, but you've gotten back on the program and will overcome. know that we are all rooting for you and send you nothing but good wishes.

    *hugs*

    GastricGirl said...

    Sorry that your life has been in such turmoil lately, but congratulations on recognizing what has been happening and rectifying it will help you soo much! We're all here for you! :)

    Sheri said...

    I am inspired!!!!

    stalkermom said...

    Good for you Jen to take the time to re-evaluate yourself and make the necessary changes! Keep up the good work!

    Leigh said...

    Good for you, not many of us, me included want to face the facts. I avoid the scale and the counting calories when I am in that place. I used to anyway,

    Mona said...

    its great to know that you got back on track. keep it up!

    The Savage said...

    bunches of hugs and support from me, doll....

    G-Man said...

    You are a smart girl Jennifer...

    xo

    Sicilian said...

    I want to encourage you. . . . keep exercising . . . . keep track of every thing that enters your mouth . . you will come out on top. . .keep a big smile on your face and know that you are not alone. . . we all struggle. . . you are just brave enough to write it.
    Ciao

    buddha_girl said...

    Atta girl! I love hearing this! You're stronger than you realize!

    Tiff said...

    I'm a new follower to your blog, and I couldn't resist commenting on this post. I've been where you are... just at different stages in my life. Through your writings, I sense your strength and determination. You have come a long way, and I'm impressed by your journey.

    I can relate to your feelings in this post. I recently hit the "weight gain phase" after two and a half years of ignorant bliss. Now, I have to help "my tool" by stopping the behaviours that I've reverted back to.

    Liza said...

    I applaud your honesty and how you have recognized an issue, addressed it, and gotten back on track! Not many people can say that. Good luck!! People like you are an inspiration to a pre-op like me because you show me the real side of things and how to pull yourself up when you have a bad time......Will be thinking of you!!

    Cazzie!!! said...

    It has been a long time since I have visited here off the back of Galen's blog... and well, I had the time to do it right now as I am on break during night shift :)
    I just want you to know, after reading your last few entries that you are the most courageous lady. Why? Because you say it like it is, and you are right. No one's life is perfect, no one's relationship is always perfect (as it seems) and also, some people just do not understand what it is like to have this fight with diet/weight/food/life..etc.
    You look absolutely amazing! Please accept that I am saying this for real.
    One day at a time is what it takes. For me, I will have been riding my bike on a daily basis for a year come 13th May. It has been hard work..and well, especially the last few days with our Winter coming into full swing. People say I am mad, but you know what, I am loving the bike riding, and loving nature..and that is what it takes to feel good about yourself.
    Anyway, huggs to you and your girls..I bet they are oh so proud of their Mum :)
    Cheers Cazzie!!!

    kimmyk said...

    yeah i hate that fat girl when shes in my head. she gives me waves of anxiety! i know that feeling all too well.

    i'm glad you had a heart to heart talk with yourself and her, you've come too far to let her ruin things for you.

    keep on track my friend, you'll be back to where you need to be.

    Susy said...

    I always love Jenn!

    come by my blog for an award!

    Jon said...

    I'm sorry you are struggling. Divorce, and any stress can cause my mind to go a bit out of control. I need to get myself on track again too. You, as always, are an inspiration.