Getting It Together

So, yeah.  I'm running through life and remembering to stop and smell the roses.  Things are going pretty well.  Mostly due to the fact that I decided several months ago to stop drinking.  Alcohol was not doing me any favors.  Amazingly, the anxiety went away despite life being more hectic than ever. 

My stepdad/boss had quadruple bypass surgery which leaves me to run the sign shop alone.  I'm doing ok and figuring out ways to make things work, including working the second job.  I decided after much self depreciating thinking that I have much to be grateful for.  I'm working two jobs, keeping my home and the bills are paid.  I do without a lot of extras, but honestly, life has been good to me. 

I'm still in a relationship with a man and it's been almost 4.5 years.  We still live separately.  We've been through our ups and downs and it's nice to know that someone actually loves me. 

My weight is steady, although it's higher than I'd like. I keep reminding myself that I'm still 134 pounds less than my highest weight.  (Yes, doing the math means that I've gained a lot of weight.) I'm trying to eat healthy but it's tough on such a limited income.  Who's idea was it to make junk food so cheap and real food expensive?

My goal is to keep getting it together.

A N X I E T Y !

The word anxiety used to make me smirk. I thought people who had anxiety and panic attacks could control it if they tried. I saw it as a weakness, never dreaming that I'd become one of the inflicted. My theory about why it waited so long to enter my life is that I have been so wrapped up in keeping everything perfectly together that eventually the burden on my shoulders became too much and smashed me down hard.

Luckily for me, the counselor I've been seeing has helped me begin to learn ways of controlling anxiety. I've had trouble lately though. I haven't been sleeping well. I tell myself in the morning that I'll try to sleep a little longer (both of my jobs are flexible with hours). The problem comes when my brain makes me feel like I don't deserve to sleep. "Get up, you slob! You've got too much to do to be lazing around." says my noggin. Why don't I deserve precious sleep? I feel worthless when I'm not trying to accomplish something.

My life isn't as depressing as I'm making it sound. It just feels like it's on hold. Like I have no goals. People keep asking me about my goals. For the past 21 years, my goal has been to see that my 2 daughters graduate from college and become productive members of society. We're on our way to that. The oldest is almost 21 and in her 4th year in college. The youngest will be a Senior in high school. So, I guess after next year, I need to find some new goals. People keep telling me to go back to school. Maybe someday I will but for now, I know too many well educated people without jobs. I'll keep my low paying jobs because I love what I do.