3 Years Later

This was me three years ago. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I was crying, maybe even screaming because I was so unhappy with myself.


Three years ago today, I was wheeled into surgery believing that I was going to die on the table. When you weigh 384 pounds, you don't have much hope that you will go on living.

Who knew how much my life would change? I have my life back now. I broke out of a body that was my prison. I'm able to do things that I never dreamed my body could. I can run and wrestle with my girls.

While life has really been kicking me in the butt, lately, I realize that I'm still better off than I've ever been in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.

The costume I wore last night to a party.

Moving On

I've been officially divorced for just over a week. Things are starting to feel better as far as being on my own goes. The panic has begun to subside ever so slightly. I can't believe there could be any more tears left in this body. Do they ever stop? I absolutely hate my emotions, or at least hate showing them to others.

I'm putting together a plan that will hopefully allow me to keep my house and get Mr. Sign's name off of the mortgage. I never dreamed that I would be so set financially one minute and so destitute the next. How does that happen? Michigan's economy sucks!

A friend made a point about how I view myself. Honestly, I still see only flaws when I look in the mirror. I see the remnants of disregarding myself emotionally and physically. A life spent not giving a crap about what I was doing to myself by ignoring my own basic needs. So, every day, I make a point to try and see something good about myself. It's a struggle.

My weight has stabilized at close to my lowest weight. I still make sure that I get all the protein in that I need to. I eat pretty much what I want but still in very small quantities. Gaining weight still petrifies me.

My dating life is making me insane. This could be because the fat girl in my head just won't die. She yells at me that I'm just not good enough for anyone. She taunts me and tells me that people are snickering behind my back. She doesn't allow me much happiness.

My life feels like it's on hold right now. It seems like I'm waiting for something but I have no idea what it is. I hope it's a good surprise because I'm at the point that I'm not sure I can handle many more bumps. Now, where's my helmet?

Worries

My life has become one worry after another. This week, I found myself in such an uptight state, that I think I've actually developed an ulcer. I mean, I'm worrying about some ridiculous things, like why my hair is always a mess or why can't someone besides me clean the cat boxes. Most of my concerns have come from financial woes. I hate not being in control of my destiny. One strange phenomenon I've noticed about being single is that if I put money in the bank, it's actually still there when I check on it. There is no one but me to spend it. That is definitely a bonus.

Because Mr. Sign and I share custody of the girls, I spend a lot of time alone now. I've never been alone for more than a day at a time in my entire life. I spent every minute that I could with my girls, being a stay at home mom for 10 years and then being as actively involved in their school as humanly possible. It's so strange to not know now what they are doing every minute and especially weird to have to entertain myself. I ride my bike 20 miles a day and still work out every morning. My house has never been cleaner.

I had moments this week where I actually questioned my decision to become single. I thought about how charmed my life had been. I had everything I needed including wonderful kids, a great house and car, awesome health and a husband who loved me. I'm the one who decided to put the fairy tale to an end. Was I out of my mind? Nah, I couldn't live my life in a lie. While I reflect on the time I spent as a married person, I realize that I had many good years and I don't regret any of them. But, I needed to look toward the future and my own happiness instead of the happiness of everyone around me. It was time for me to take care of me. If all goes well, I will officially be divorced on Tuesday, October 6, 2009. I'll have a little piece of paper that will end 22 years of togetherness.

Trust me when I tell you how weird it is to date. It's been 22 years since I had the privilege of worrying about what I'm going to wear, where we are going, who's going to pay and what are we going to talk about. I do admit to loving the butterflies when I first meet someone. I've had excellent responses from almost all of my dates. Most of them I have met on line and they have all been just what they portrayed themselves to be.

One guy in particular had such a great introduction message that I couldn't resist. I ended up adding to his story line and we went back and forth with this whole scenario for almost a month. Neither of us had said anything real in that time but decided that we should meet. So, I met him at a swanky bar downtown that I'd never been to. It was comical that we sat in a horseshoe shaped booth at opposite sides. He asked if he would recognize any of my sign work. I told him that we do all the directional signs for one of the local hospitals. He asked me if I knew "stepdad's name here". I said that I might know him a little bit. I asked him how they were acquainted. He said, "I was the engineering supervisor for the hospital project and worked with "stepdad's name here" and thought he was such a great guy. I yelled out, "You are (fill in guy's name here)!" He wondered how I knew his full name since we hadn't swapped surnames. Come to find out, he and I had talked many times on the phone and had emailed when he ordered signs, but had never met. Anyway, as the night, the loud band and our drinking progressed, we got closer and closer in the booth. We discussed the fact that we had both been married almost 20 years each and had only "we" stories. I still can't talk about anything without saying we, as in we did this and we went there. We decided it was time for us both to make some "me" stories. After the night ended with me going in for the hug, he messaged me that we had just made a "we" story. I retorted that at least it wasn't a "wee" story.

So, we have had several dates since. We both decided to move slowly. I'm not so sure now that I want to move as slowly as him, but he's worth waiting for. The fat girl in me worries about my weight, extra skin and low self confidence when it comes to him. He's very physically fit and downright thin. My brain tells me that he's going to reject me and throw me back to the wolves. I've told him several things about myself that would send most men screaming and yet he's still hanging around. I hold my breath every day that he still wants to see me. I love the butterflies and hate them at the same time. I'm learning to enjoy the ride, be it a slow one when I'm used to flying down that roller coaster. Maybe slower really is better. Hmmmm...

Four Years!!

You may have noticed that I've been blogging a bit again as of late. Quite honestly, I've missed putting my brain here for the world to see. Blogging has brought me through some of the most introspective times of my life. Without it, I know wholeheartedly that I wouldn't be where I am today, a nearly divorced, much healthier single mother of two.

Four years ago I was in a terrible place, both mentally and physically. I weighed nearly 400 pounds and knew that my marriage was definitely on the rocks. At that time, Mr. Sign had decided to go back to school which left me with oodles of time on my hands at night. So, I picked up the laptop and started playing on line Scrabble. I tired of that and somehow stumbled onto someone's blog. I read it with trepidation, feeling like I was reading someone's diary and shouldn't have been. I was elated to see that people had left comments on the blog. It took me about a week to get up the courage to try my own hand at writing a blog. The trick was finding anyone who cared to read this crap. Writing was titillating for me and I was excited to have an outlet for my brain waves.

Blogging gave me the strength to realize that I was trapped in a body that I had all but abandoned. Blogging allowed me to see just how completely unhappy I made myself. I hated that body because it held me back from life and all the things I wanted to do, but was physically unable to do. I couldn't run and play with my daughters because I could barely get my own butt out of a chair by myself. I felt terrible for the time I had wasted being fat. Don't get me wrong. I was an active fat person, at least as active as I could be at that weight. I knew people could call me fat, but I would never allow them to call me lazy.

Blogging also brought about a huge revelation for me. It was here that I was able to divulge for the first time, the abuse I had suffered as a child. I spent most of my life trying to block out memories but found that they surfaced at the most inopportune moments. I decided it was time to face facts and get it into the open. I'm still dealing with all of this and the effects it's had on me.

So, four years of my life are here on this blog, and what a four years it's been. I've been up, down, kicked around, but I'm still plugging away. Every day I wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I miss monotony. But, man, am I having fun!

Getting Stronger

Once again, my absence from the blog world was by choice as I wasn't sure I wanted to share what's been going on in my life. But, I felt the need to put something here.

As I said in the previous post, I was in a relationship that got kind of serious. I had led myself to believe that I wasn't as attached as he was. Something changed in our relationship. I saw that he was broken and I tried to fix him. I suppose I try to fix everything. That's what I do, only he didn't want to be fixed. So, even though I knew we were completely wrong for each other and needed to split, the end still hurt beyond belief.

I picked myself up and decided to jump full force back into the dating world and just have fun with it, meeting some incredible people. Dating is really fun! It's very strange for me to have so many suitors. I still have a hard time believing that someone would want to spend time with me, but it's so nice to be out living life.

There have been some glitches on the divorce end of things. As soon as Mr. Sign signed the settlement papers, he lost his job due to downsizing. What this means for me is that I now make more money than he does and I may have to pay him child support. This was a real kick in the pants for me but I'm a survivor! I will prevail! Things monetarily have been very tough without his support for the girls. Luckily, I was able to save some money and have been living on that for the past couple of months. I'm in panic mode about it now as those funds have dried up. We now have a new court date of October 6th and if all the paperwork goes through, a little piece of paper will end 22 years of my life and tell me that I'm free.

I think I need to add some of the fun I've had recently and what fun I've had!

Want S'More(s)?

Pole dancing with my cousin (she is on the left)

One night #1 and a few friends decided to go sightseeing in our city. We ran across this mobile cow and Udder Chaos ensued (see below).

Funniest part of the night!

Me and my momma always dress alike. Not really, but she bought me this shirt.

My best friend, our friend from high school, whom we hadn't seen in 20 years
(visiting from China) and me.

The crew on my two best friends' (the other blondes) 40th birthdays (taken last weekend)

My girls

Getting our grove on!!

So, my weight is back in check and I'm growing stronger every day, both physically and mentally. I'm still exercising like a crazy person, working out every morning and then riding my bike 20 miles 5 nights a week. I've worked too hard to go back to my old habits. Still working on loving myself and the person within. I am a work in progress, but who isn't?

Where Have You Been?

Out living life of course!! Adjusting to single life seems to be suiting me, although being alone took a bit to get used to.

Mr. Sign remains amicable and generous. As a matter of fact, he and I are often seen together which confuses people immensely. It's hard to tell old friends we encounter that we are in fact getting divorced but still friends. Apparently, this is quite uncommon. The most beautiful part is that we get to go to separate homes at the end of the day.

The divorce is moving slowly, at my discretion. We decided that neither of us is in a great hurry to be officially divorced. This benefits me in that I get to keep health insurance benefits until all is said and done.

We are sharing custody of the girls who seem to be adjusting well as far as I can tell.

I started dating a great guy almost 6 months ago. He decided to have weight loss surgery, not because of me, but because he wanted to change his life. When he came to me, I told him he needed to do his own research and make that decision on his own. So, last week he became a member of the weight loss surgery group.

Our relationship seemed to get serious despite my warnings. I was afraid I was going to break his heart so I took things one day at a time. We both fell head over heals for each other and honestly, I never dreamed I would let my feelings get so intense. Over the months, things started to feel like we were married. We decided because we live an hour apart, that we should slow things down. Neither of us wants to be married again, but would rather like to enjoy each other's company. We are now happily dating and remain hopeful that two people can be a little more than "great friends".

Another new love has crept into my life as well. I am now bicycling 125 miles a week. I went out to get in my car to walk one day and saw the bike sitting there. I thought, "What the heck?" and threw it in the car only to ride 21 miles on my first trip. Our city has an amazing river trail that is one of the most beautiful in the U.S. I don't have to worry about getting hit on the road by a car.

The end of the River Trail.

My weight is still fluctuating about 5 pounds up and down. I decided to accept my accomplishements and continue being as active as possible. My new life is a work in progress but I wouldn't change a minute of my past. It's made me who I am today.

(I'm working here, lol. I'm reading Sign Builder's Illustrated).

Quit Yer Complainin'

It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

Where Was I?

Life as a separated, single parent is just plain strange to me. Most of my friends don't call or make an effort to find out how we are doing. Their response is that they just don't know what to say. "We always thought you were the perfect couple.". I'm here to tell you that nothing and no one is perfect in this world.

For those people that assume that the dissolution of our marriage was based solely on both of us having weight loss surgery, you simply have no idea. Our problems started way before that. What I will say about losing over 200 pounds, is that it gave me the courage to know that I could venture out on my own. I knew at 384 pounds that the world was too mean to fat chicks and wouldn't allow me to live life alone.

Living life on my terms has empowered me to know that I can make it in this world. It has also given me moments of sheer terror about being all alone. I become panicked when I think about what I have to do totally on my own. Things like keeping up the lawn and taking care of the house. (I should tell you that Mr. Sign has given the house and most of the contents to me. He has been more than fair and for that I am grateful.) During these fits, I basically lose my mind and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I hate emotions, or at least hate showing my emotions. I've always been the strong one who was there for everyone else. I'm not used to having to lean on others for emotional support. God has put new people in my life to help me along this journey, since the old ones seem lost.

Only those that have been there seem to understand that divorce is worse than a death. At least with death, there is some finality. I find myself happy one minute and sobbing the next. Mourning a lost time, not necessarily a lost relationship. I miss the simplicity of married life. You know the one: Get up, go to work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Things seem harder because Mr. Sign and I remain friends and don't hate each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier to break that 21 year old relationship if we despised each other.

Some of you have asked how I'm doing with my weight. I'm going to be totally honest and let you know that I have regained about 8 pounds. This scares the crap out of me. I know that it's because I have become a stress eater. I am powerless over food. No matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, the more they seem to call out to me, promising comfort from the evils of the world. The more I worry about eating, the more I want to eat.

Regardless of how bad I know it's going to be, I still weigh myself every day. I spoke with my weight loss surgeon and he assured me that weight gain is normal. In fact, most people gain back at least 20 pounds. I don't want to be that statistic. I am hopeful that with the approach of Spring will come a loss of appetite.

I also struggle with the fact that when I do lose weight, it is usually in my face. I don't like looking gaunt and sickly. I also don't like my big fat rear end. It's kind of a toss up, big butt or super skinny face.

Thank you all for your kind and sincere words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you are there for me during this turbulent time in my life.

I will leave you with a few pictures of the girls and me:

Great Expectations ~ Part Deux

This is a continuation of the post below...

So where did I leave off? Oh yeah, we were telling our families that we were divorcing. That was interesting. My mom wanted me to wait to tell my grandma until after the holidays. When I called to tell her, she barraged me with questions about why we couldn't make things work and what our problems were. She gave no regard to my feelings and how I was dealing with all of this. Her concerns were about our family not being "perfect" anymore.

I should tell you that most people assume that the demise of my marriage was based on the weight loss. This would only partly be true. It's a fact that losing the fat gave me the courage to venture out of my comfort zone and know that I could try and do things on my own. I would have never even tried to go it alone at 384 pounds. The world is just too cruel to fat chicks. I remained comfy and cozy within my fat walls.

No, this mostly had to do with the fact that I had decided that I had loved the one I was with long enough. In the process of my self discovery, I encouraged Mr. Sign to find out what made him happy, knowing full well what that was. All I'm going to say about that is that he decided to chose and alternative lifestyle and I want nothing but happiness for him.

In the midst of all of this turmoil, I became ill and was diagnosed with something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. As I was reeling from this news, two days later, Mr. Sign lost his job, including all health care benefits.

I was beyond myself and felt so completely alone. I have never been alone for more than a day in my entire life. I can only say that I was as low as I've ever been to the point of almost not being able to function. I got through my day and spent the evenings and nights just sobbing alone in my bedroom. I had been seeing a counselor but could no longer do so without insurance. Great timing, huh?

Somehow, with the support of my family and friends, I was able to pull myself up and out of the darkness. I wanted to blog, but as a great friend and fellow blogger said, "You don't want people to feel sorry for you. You know they will if you tell them what's going on".

So, we had my measly income, two residences, double bills for everything and no way to pay for it. We spent much time together while he looked for a job. He wanted to spend as much time with the girls as he could. This was hard on us both. We had a hard time being around each other as it made things seem like old times. We finally came to the conclusion that we really needed to be apart for both our sakes. I should mention that most of this happened after our trip to Las Vegas, so basically just after the first of the year.

Mr. Sign finally got a job that is actually better paying so we were able to file the paperwork for the divorce. Since everything is amicable, the lawyer will file a motion of hardship which will push our divorce through in 60 days instead of 180.

Imagine that I was thrown literally into the dating world by a friend with good intentions. She decided that I needed to get out there and play the field. I haven't dated in over 20 years. My, how times have changed.

To sum things up, I'm stress eating, lonely, poor and confused, but I'm alive and kicking. I am ready to face the new big bad world on my own, but still have my moments of self doubt.

So what have you all been up to?

Thursday Portrait ~The Dreaded Article

I'm stepping out of hiatus in order to share this little tidbit with you. It's yet another reason for my complete break down.

Several months ago I told you all about being interviewed for a magazine. I was excited and nervous. I wrote up my answers and sent away my pictures. Apparently, the picture I sent was unusable. The writer called me while I was on a scaffold hanging a banner in the rain and told me that I had to get to her office to have my picture taken because the one I sent didnt' work. I drug myself there only to find that she had never used the camera before. So, I look like I have 2 foot tall legs and weigh more than I did before I lost weight. Also, I cannot take a flash picture with my eyes open to save my life.

I didn't misspell lose as loose or the spelling of my name Jenn. ;)

Click to read:

I truly appreciate all of your kind comments regarding my whereabouts. I'm pretty much just getting by. If I get up the courage, I'll share all of my woes with you. For now, I'll just tell you that my life went from fairytale status to the crapper in a matter of months.

Miss you all...

Woot!

In light of things not always being the way I would like them in my life, small things tend to make me happy. Even though it's Monday morning, I know it's going to be a great day. I got on the scale to find that I had dropped 7 pounds since Friday (I was up 4 pounds from lowest weight. My weight fluctuates +/- 4 pounds on any given day.)! I was sure it was wrong so I stepped back on the scale only to be greeted with the same number, 176.

• Highest weight 384
• Total pounds lost since weight loss surgery, 208
• I am 4 pounds below my original goal
  
• Highest BMI, 62%
• Current BMI 28%
  
• Highest pant size 36W
  
• Current pant size, 10
• 54% of my total body weight is gone (I'm less than half myself)

So watch me as I happy dance and please feel free to join me.

This And That

• We are supposed to get 8 inches of snow by tomorrow. I'm looking at the positive that I will build some arm muscles from all that shoveling.

• The closer I get to going to Vegas, the more excited I am. I plan on living life to the fullest. Hopefully you won't read about me in the papers. On second thought...

• Thanksgiving was a little strange. I feel like I don't fit in with my family anymore. They treat me so differently, but I guess I act differently. How can they know who I am, if I don't even know.

• I'm trying to kill the fat girl in my head, but she just won't die.

• People who didn't know me when I was fat don't believe that I used to weigh 384 pounds. Even after showing them pictures, they still argue that it can't be me in the pictures.

• It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact that I look like I do. I spent 38 years looking different and it's hard to accept my own appearance.
  

• I have hardly eaten for the last 4 days. I have no idea why I have no appetite. It's quite a switch from the last 6 months that I've been ravenous. The only thing I can think of is that I haven't exercised since Wednesday. I'm feeling sloth like and not needing calories.

• I have been bestowed with several early gifts this week (anniversary, early birthday and Christmas). I got a GPS and a new camera.
  

A picture with the new camera:

Hope everyone had a great holiday and got all of their Christmas shopping done!

Bullets

• I bought a size 10 pair of jeans a few weeks back. Granted, these are very generous size 10's but the tag says 10! My largest jean size was a 36W. In case you are keeping track, that's 13 sizes and 26 inches. Whew!

• The fitness magazine still hasn't called me for an interview. I'm a little bummed that it might not happen.

• My 40th birthday is next month.

• Mr. Sign planned a trip to Las Vegas with my two best friends and my sister and her husband. His 40th is the day after mine so we will celebrate together at midnight.

• A few months ago, I was looking forward to 40, but now I'm feeling old.

• A guy, who must have been really drunk, told me that he thought I was 25.

• I played poker this weekend and beat the pants off of 6 men. I love that they assume I'm an idiot because I'm blonde. Hehe!

• It snowed here this weekend and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Normally I love the snow, but I'm hating the cold that comes with it.

• My weight seems to be pretty stable right now. I'd love to lose another 15 pounds but I'm not sure what drastic measures I would have to take to do it.
  

• One of my best friends hadn't seen me in a while and tried to convince me not to lose any more weight. It's hard for people who are used to seeing you heavy. I am by no means as small as I need to be.

• The girls went deer hunting this weekend and neither of them got one. #1 did get a shot off, but the deer was out of range.
  

A Few Things

I thought I would update on a few things that have been happening lately.

First, Mr. Sign and I had our 2 year weight loss surgery doctor appointments. Mr. Sign is still holding steady having lost all of his weight (136 pounds) in the first 6 months. He would like to lose another 25 pounds and plans on doing that. His biggest downfall is that he doesn't keep track of what he eats.

The physician's assistant high fived me when he saw my weight loss. He said that he could tell that I kept track of everything. He was strangely amazed at my progress (a loss of 205 pounds). He said that most people show a gain in the second year after WLS. I'm so happy not to be a statistic. My blood work came back excellent. The only issue I have is that he diagnosed me with Raynaud's Syndrome. This is something I will have to watch closely since I work outside in the winter. This was not a side effect of the surgery.

As most of you know, I have been on a mission to exercise and become more healthy as well as continuing to lose weight. Yesterday I was asked to be interviewed for Heathly and Fit Magazine as a success story. I will be featured in the January issue. (I also had my picture and a quote in Obesity Help magazine, but still have not received a copy.) It's kind of bizarre that people want to hear my story, but I'm very excited to share it. I want to focus on the support group that I head up and the fact that I'm trying hard to motivate everyone to get active.

This brings up the fact that I have become the person that made me want to scream when it comes to exercise. I hated people that talked about the high they got from exercise. I wanted to wring their necks when they jumped around with all their extra energy that they had gained due to exercise. Those people made me feel terrible about myself since I wasn't doing anything to better myself. I hope that I will be able to show people that you can turn your life around and feel better about yourself.

2 Years

Two years ago tomorrow (10-25), I went into the operating room believing that if I died, I would be better off. I hated myself for what I had allowed myself to become. I weighed 384 pounds and was completely miserable. I knew that weight loss surgery was my last hope for a healthy life.

Being a 37 year old that could barely climb the stairs to her bedroom makes one learn to take control of her life. My children had only known me as super morbidly obese and had missed out on so much in their won lives because of it.

My life has changed in ways I never dreamed. Here is a list I compiled of things I wanted to do. I've done every one and many more.

I had planned on making a big deal out of this anniversary since I hit my weight loss goal. Unfortunately, because I still don't have my laptop, this will have to suffice for now.

December 2005, my friend Stephanie and me:

Summer 2005 just before I dumped this 350:

The next two pictures were taken by the talented Barman on a beautiful Autumn day:

(if you click on the pictures, it will take you to Photobucket to see the rest)

It took me two hours to post this from the old computer, so I'll try and tweek it a bit when/if I get my laptop back.

So, life is great, but strange at the same time. I'll be partying down this weekend at a Halloween party. I plan on having lots of fun on my special day.

Updates

You have all been asking about my mom and Mr. Sign. Mom is doing awesomely. She is already back to exercising and has lost almost 40 pounds. She looks amazing and I can't express how happy I am for her.

Mr. Sign lost all of his weight in the first 6 months after surgery. He hasn't lost or gained a pound since. He is happy with his weight but would still like to lose a few more pounds. He works out voraciously every day and it shows. This also allows him to eat pretty much what he wants.

Here is a picture taken in June 2006 before we both had surgery:



This is what Mr. Sign looked like on Saturday during our walk in the woods:



Not too bad, eh?

Cloud 9

The last couple of days I have felt rather manic despite having a cold/sinus thing going on. I cannot believe that reaching my weight loss goal has made me feel so awesome. I suppose it's because I've never in my life reached a weight loss goal. It just feels goooooood!

My social calendar is quite full this week. I'm looking forward to a couple of dinner dates with friends and a lunch date with a guy from high school that I haven't seen in 20 years.

Today I walked wearing my new work boots. This wasn't such a great idea since I now have little skin left on the bottoms of my feet.

It felt good to run and so I did. I was able to go faster and farther than ever before, even wearing the boots. I feel so alive when I'm walking or running. The exercise heals my soul. Addiction transfer has never felt so good. (I'm referring to a phenomenon that happens to many weight loss surgery patients when they have to give up food. They transfer their addiction to something else. Sometimes it's sex, alcohol, drugs or gambling, etc.)

I'm still here, working on my issues, but trying to see the brighter side of life. :)

Someone Somewhere Is Smiling On Me

This weekend was very relaxing for me. It was a much needed respite from all the chaos that is my life. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I had lost 5 pounds (I was up just a smidge from my lowest). This puts me 1 pound below my original goal for a total loss of 205 pounds, having started at 384 pounds. Whoa, that is even incredible for me to hear.



My new goal is to lose 15 pounds more. I'm not sure how attainable that is, but I'm going to work at it. Considering that a surgeon guesses that 20-25 pounds of me may be extra skin, I am close to being at a normal weight. I've never been normal about anything I've done. Almost normal feels gooooooooooood!!!!!!

Roughing It

~edited 10-5-08 to add: I originally wrote this post for my own benefit never expecting to publish it. I accidentally hit publish and this was posted to Google reader. I immediately received emails and comments about where it had gone. I decided to post it since many had already seen it. ~end edit

Life has been more than slightly strange for me for over a year. I've talked in great depth about not knowing who I am based on my extreme weight loss and the way others treat me. People talk at me instead of to me. Sometimes I feel like an object rather than a person. It's easier to stay silent than to try and prove that I actually have a brain and know how to use it (although sometimes that statement is questionable).

There is a lot going on with me right now that I'm not able to share with you all. Just know that my entire life is in complete turmoil. My ultimate goal is to keep things sane for my children. This is proving tougher than I thought. Let's just say that I'm learning what I'm made of.

Most of my life I've fought the idea of going to a counselor but decided that it was time to try and figure out how to fix what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly sure that these sessions are helping much. The person I'm seeing really has no inkling what I'm going through on some levels. Not all of my issues are based on weight loss and I'm hoping to get a better grasp on them.

This whole mid life crap is for the birds. Why do we have to look ahead to tomorrow? I've been living the last couple of years by the seat of my pants, never making any commitments to anyone beyond a day or two. I don't know what my future holds for me so I can't make plans that I may have to break.

There is much in my life that I am very thankful for. I realize that people have problems much worse than mine and I feel like mine are trivial in comparison. Yet, there they are, staring me in the face, begging to be dealt with.

On the positive side, I have amazing friends that are there for me whenever I need them. Without them, I may have been confined to the nearest loony bin. So, if I seem kind of distant and haven't visited you in a while, please don't take it personally. I'm trying my hardest just to stay afloat.

Margaritas, Anyone?

I had a great time this weekend. Friday night was spent at a girls' margarita party with my family. A few of us ended up spending the night. There was more food than any group of 38 could ever have eaten.

My aunt's Chihuahua was our mascot for the evening:

This is my aunt making the good stuff:



My mom on the left and a friend that
she worked with 20 years ago
(half of my grandma is on the far left):



My friend and her mom on the swing.
Isn't it cute how they cross their legs the same?



My friend (from kindergarten) me all sweaty and gross (It was 98% humidity and about 90 degrees out in my defense. A lot of jello shots later, I realize that when I'm drunk, I smile so big you can see my gums), and friend's mom.
Can you say drunktards?



This was taken a little earlier in the evening, but
I still have that gum thing happening:




The following night I got to attend a pig roast. The food was to die for. I've never seen such a spread. I ate until I nearly burst.

If you are offended easily, don't view the picture of
what was left of the pig:



This is me before we left for the barbecue.



I bought a size 12 short and a large top. This was mind blowing considering when I started this journey, I was wearing a size 36 pant (that's 11 sizes!) and a size 5X shirt. For the first time ever, I actually felt like I looked ok.

I felt almost confident when I walked into the party even though I hardly knew anyone. No one knew my secret that I was normally the fattest person in the room.