Four Years!!

You may have noticed that I've been blogging a bit again as of late. Quite honestly, I've missed putting my brain here for the world to see. Blogging has brought me through some of the most introspective times of my life. Without it, I know wholeheartedly that I wouldn't be where I am today, a nearly divorced, much healthier single mother of two.

Four years ago I was in a terrible place, both mentally and physically. I weighed nearly 400 pounds and knew that my marriage was definitely on the rocks. At that time, Mr. Sign had decided to go back to school which left me with oodles of time on my hands at night. So, I picked up the laptop and started playing on line Scrabble. I tired of that and somehow stumbled onto someone's blog. I read it with trepidation, feeling like I was reading someone's diary and shouldn't have been. I was elated to see that people had left comments on the blog. It took me about a week to get up the courage to try my own hand at writing a blog. The trick was finding anyone who cared to read this crap. Writing was titillating for me and I was excited to have an outlet for my brain waves.

Blogging gave me the strength to realize that I was trapped in a body that I had all but abandoned. Blogging allowed me to see just how completely unhappy I made myself. I hated that body because it held me back from life and all the things I wanted to do, but was physically unable to do. I couldn't run and play with my daughters because I could barely get my own butt out of a chair by myself. I felt terrible for the time I had wasted being fat. Don't get me wrong. I was an active fat person, at least as active as I could be at that weight. I knew people could call me fat, but I would never allow them to call me lazy.

Blogging also brought about a huge revelation for me. It was here that I was able to divulge for the first time, the abuse I had suffered as a child. I spent most of my life trying to block out memories but found that they surfaced at the most inopportune moments. I decided it was time to face facts and get it into the open. I'm still dealing with all of this and the effects it's had on me.

So, four years of my life are here on this blog, and what a four years it's been. I've been up, down, kicked around, but I'm still plugging away. Every day I wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I miss monotony. But, man, am I having fun!

Quit Yer Complainin'

It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

Points I've Pondered

In my sick little mind, I've been coming to grips with who I'm becoming. It seems that metaphors are popping up all over.

I find that I think of myself as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. By this, I mean that I tend to show a tough exterior because I don't want to allow others to see how truly vulnerable I am. I have a hard time sharing my own emotions, but an easy time trying to help others feel better about themselves. This goes along with my need to please others instead of myself.

The reverse is true also of my physical self. I'm soft on the outside, but tough on the inside. Thank you extra skin! I've been working so hard to try and undo the damage that I've done to my body for 30+ years. I compared myself to a lawn chair this morning. When you sit on them, the straps stretch and sometimes never go back to their original shape. Especially if someone really fat is sitting in that chair.

I realize that extra skin is better than fat. I KNOW this. It's just hard to compartmentalize the fact that no matter what you do, surgery or not, your body will never, EVER, be the same as it was at 18. The stress that two babies and 200 extra pounds does to one's body is incomprehensible. I need to stress again that I know I really don't have skin issues as bad as most people who've lost as much weight as I have. I have to remind myself that in clothes, I don't look half bad. Now if I could just convince my brain of this.

Mr. Sign and I have been doing some heavy tête-à-têtes lately. He is concerned that I'm losing too much weight. He's not the first person that has said that. I need to realize that without all the skin, I'm really probably at a good weight for me. My current weight with the skin is less than I weighed in high school.

I had to ask Mr. Sign if he was really concerned for my health, or for the fact that people notice me now. I believe it may be a little of both.

I do have some issues right now with hair loss and dark circles under my eyes, both of which are symptoms of malnutrition. This is my third go round with hair loss. I've even been accused of being either bulimic or anorexic. I assure everyone, that neither is true. I keep strict track of what I eat, every single day. I know that if I don't, the weight will easily fly back on with a vengeance.

It's hard living life now under the microscope. I know that people were watching what I ate before I had weight loss surgery, but now, jeez! People seem to be enthralled with what and how I eat. Why they care is beyond me. I feel like the circus came to town and I'm the main attraction. "Look, Johnny! She's eating chili. How many crackers did she put in there?" Argh!!

It's my life and I'm just trying to make it work for me.

Thursday Portrait

Ladies, have you ever had one of those days where you rethink your wardrobe, but it's too late because you are already on your way to work? Yesterday was one of those for me. I found a really cutastic (borrowed from Big Pissy) tank top really cheap. It fits me like a glove everywhere but the bust. Let's just say, I'm busting out of it, pun intended. Luckily, I had a hoodie that matched and I ended up wearing it in the 90 degree heat. Every man I came across wanted to know why I was dressed for winter. How could I explain that it was because the girls were hanging out?

Anywho, here is a picture that doesn't really show the severity of my boob faux pas:



I had the weirdest conversation with my step dad who is also my boss. He claims now to know everything about super morbidly obese people. *eye roll*. I let him know that he would never know what life was like until he had doors slammed in his face, was invisible and publicly ridiculed on a daily basis.

I explained that I'm still the same person inside, just different outside, only now, people want to talk to me because I'm not crazy fat. He claims that I am different now. I guess I agree, but only because people treat me differently now and that makes life much easier and tends to change one's outlook.

I was looking at pictures from a year ago and was startled to see how much I have changed physically.

Here is a picture taken last year with G-Man, me and Barman on July 4th:

Pretty crazy huh? I guess I really couldn't see the changes until I saw the difference, even since last year.

Amazing Pants

Here is a view of how huge my clothes used to be.

Taking The Easy Way Out

When people who haven't seen me in a while see me now, they immediately realize I've lost a lot of weight. That is, if they even recognize me. The first question that is always asked is, "How did you do it?". I'd love to say exercise and diet which would be true to a point but I've had help. Eventually people are going to realize that you can't very easily lose 170 pounds in a year without gastric bypass surgery. I suppose people want to know the secret to weight loss so as to benefit themselves.

Here's the thing, I've always been able to lose weight but I've never been able to keep it off. That is where weight loss surgery comes into play. When I was dieting before, I would fall off the wagon and begin to eat and not be able to stop myself. Since having the surgery, I have no choice but to stop because my small stomach won't allow me to eat much more than I should. I know this won't always be the case, so I keep detailed track of what I put into my mouth. So much so that people think I'm anal about it. Even something as small as an olive will be documented. I know that for me, this is the only way I will ever get close to my goal weight and keep the weight off. Keeping such close track of my diet enables me to make the best nutritional choices. I make sure to get protein first and keep my calories at or below 1200 a day.

Now, it has been implied and even said out loud that weight loss surgery is an easy way out. I'm not sure how having the contents of your abdominal cavity rearranged is easy. Having to retrain your body to accept foods that you've eaten your entire life is fun. Never knowing when your body will betray you because of what you have eaten is an experience in itself. I have to make sure that I don't eat something new when I don't know if I'll be near a restroom. Sometimes even food that I've eaten before causes me grief. Does any of this sound like I took the easy way out? How about the fact that I have to make sure I take vitamins every single day or I risk malnutrition, osteoporosis and neurological damage?

This surgery is not for everyone. I would never talk someone into it. It's a decision that should be researched and well thought out. A person has to try every other way and use weight loss surgery as a last resort. I liken being overweight to alcoholism. A person has to hit rock bottom before they can admit that they are powerless over alcohol or food and reach out for help. I chose weight loss surgery because I had become powerless over food.

Anniversary HNT

One year ago today, I had gastric bypass surgery. In that year I have lost a total of 168 pounds, 10 pant sizes and 6 shirt sizes.

I have hit some milestones along the way. Here are a few.

• I can run and play with my children

• I can fit in a booth at a restaurant

• I can ride a roller coaster

• I can sit in any lawn furniture

• I rode a bicycle with my girls
  

• My clothes are smaller than they were 15 years ago

• Sex is better than it has ever been

• I fit on an airplane without using a seat belt extender

• Food no longer rules my life. I eat to live, rather than live to eat

• I sleep in a Queen size bed with my husband and we fit with room to spare

• I have lost 44% of my total body weight

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!!

Go see the King.

I Did Something...

I've always been a thrill seeker who loved roller coasters. As a child, my grandma would take my sister and I to Cedar Point Amusement Park at least twice a summer. The last time I went was 16 years ago, just before becoming pregnant with #1.

When I was more than 200 pounds overweight, I could only dream of riding the roller coasters that I loved. Some of you may remember my last episode with an amusement park. My children have never had the chance to hear me scream as we flew down a 200 foot drop on a coaster. That is, until last weekend.

Mr. Sign and I took the girls to Cedar Point and had the time of our lives. I rode over 15 rides, walked 7 miles and lasted 12 hours. The girls were begging us to leave because of sheer exhaustion. The excitement I felt watching my daughters' delight as we transcended our first hill was one of my life's goals.

Daughter #1 convinced me to ride this ride against my better judgement . Mr. Sign and daughter #2 were smart and decided to sit this one out. Here is the description of the ride:

Top Thrill Dragster. Reaching a stratospheric 420 feet tall and topping out at an unheard of speed of 120 mph, this new steel screamer helped Cedar Point reclaim the title of owning the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the universe.

Riders begin their epic journey aboard this whopping 42-story screamer by securing themselves into ultra-cool trains that resemble top fuel dragsters. The train then moves into a "starting line" position, where it is launched forward, reaching 120 mph in approximately four seconds. The train then zooms straight up the 420-foot-tall hill on track that rotates 90 degrees, crests the coaster's apex and then free falls back to Earth. But hold on, this isn't your father's roller coaster. As the train races 400 feet to the ground, the track twists an unbelievable 270 degrees – what a rush! Riders then return to the station to begin regaling their friends with stories of the greatest ride of their lives.

May not accommodate Guests of Exceptional Size.

Did you see that last line? "May not accommodate Guests of Exceptional Size." I fit!!! With no problems. Well, no size problems.

After waiting over 3 hours through 3 breakdowns, #1 wanted to leave without riding. I forced her to ride and we rode in the first car. As soon as the ride stopped, I had an immediate migraine most likely caused by not eating and the fact that the coaster boasts 2 G's (the space shuttle astronauts feel 3 G's on lift off). Going from 0 to 120 miles per hour in 4 seconds is tough on you. When we finished the ride, it broke down before we got back to the station. We were stuck for 15 minutes and had to be rescued by walking on a narrow plank beside the track. The picture below on the right is the initial takeoff. Check out the skin on my face! The pic on the left is after falling 320 feet. Notice I didn't put my hands in the air on this one.

This is #1 waiting for the ride. Yes, that is a 90 degree angle that the cars travel up the track.

There is nothing in the world like the feeling of your stomach rolling as you climb and descend those hills! I can't believe I missed all this because I was too fat.

#2 and I rode the Gemini. (Yes, I'm an idiot who took pictures while moving on a roller coaster. The things I do for the blog world.)

We rode some coasters in the dark and then headed on to the spook houses. The entire park is decorated for Halloween. I love Halloween!

This is me waiting in line for the Vampire Lair:

Chalk another great day up to weight loss surgery and the fact that I could have never done this a year ago.

Bashing

Well, it seems as though I've stuck my foot in my mouth again! On the last post I posted a picture that I found to be funny. It's a picture of a super obese man with a t-shirt that says "I beat anorexia". I guess I found it funny because of my own struggles with weight. When I posted it, I hoped it wouldn't be misconstrued as malicious.

Manny posted a very heartfelt comment about someone close to her that struggled with anorexia for many years.

Her comment got me to thinking (I know, I'm always in trouble when I start thinking). Would I think a picture of someone who weighs 60 pounds wearing a t-shirt that says "I overcame obesity" is funny? Hell, no!

This raises the question, why did I think the fat guy was funny? I've been obese my entire life and absolutely hate to be made fun of. I'm just as bad as the rest of the world. I am my own worst enemy.

Fat bashing is the last acceptable prejudice. I Googled "making fun of fat people" and over 100 websites popped up. The more I read the madder I became. Most people feel it's not ok to torment someone with disease or handicaps, but it is ok to slam the obese. Well, guess what? Obesity is a disease and can also be a handicap!

This rant must come to an end. I appologize to anyone I may have upset by posting that picture. To those of you who still like to make fun of fat people, (obviously, my self included) remember that you could become one some day!