This Is How My Heart Breaks...

So, yeah, long absence again. A lot is going on in my life. I've been leery to post anything. I didn't even tell you all that I was published in a book this past December because of this blog. I was pretty excited, but trying to explain the book to non bloggers proved impossible. You can see the page I'm quoted on here.

I had to take on a second job. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world part time and still doing sign work. My new job consists of being the Safety Assistant. This job is agricultural and I have roots there so it's good to get back to them. I work two 10 hour days there and the other three days in the sign shop. So now I'm Safety/Signgurl.

Yeah, that's a Wintersteiger combine behind me. It's bad ass and German!!

My weight keeps me struggling. I resigned myself to the fact that I will be 15 pounds heavier in the winter. I tried to continue walking and ended up hurting my back when I slipped on the ice. The injury put me out of work for a week. I still weigh myself every day and my mood depends on what that stupid scale says. Most days it tells me what a fat piece of crap I am. Losing over 200 pounds and I still feel like a fat blob. I wish I could get some of that confidence I had a while back. At one point, I felt like I could take on the world. I'm working my way back to that feeling.

This next part will be hard for me to write. In fact, some would tell me not to write it, but I'm gonna anyway. I've struggled with loneliness. No one can understand who hasn't truly been alone, as in get up alone, work and come home to no one for a week at a time. THAT is being alone. I dated and met a few nice guys. Once I met one that I enjoyed spending all of my time away from my kids with I decided it was time to introduce him to my kids. (We have been dating since October.) Let's just say that the first time they met things were great. But the next time, since he lives an hour away, I told him to stay at our house and he slept in my bed. This did not go over well with the girls. They have both decided that they would rather live with their dad (who is living an alternative lifestyle *wink*) . To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I have never been hurt as deeply as my own children have hurt me. I shut down completely. I didn't eat or talk to anyone for 2 days. I needed to be alone to get those ugly feelings out. I needed to cry and yell and scream without anyone judging me. My kids have been my life for almost 18 years. I am lost without them.


My issue with all of this is why is it ok for their dad to see whomever he wants but when mom decides to bring someone home, she is a disrespectful mother. A friend reminded me that I have always been the rock and since dad decided to change completely, they looked to me to keep things the way they had always been. They cannot see me happy with anyone other than their father.

Thankfully, the "guy" was able to convince me to get up and dust myself off. He told me that I was a g00d mother (my mom says that too, but she's my mom so she has to). He showed me that he was there for me. He saved my life.

I know I've made mistakes with my girls. I tell them that daily. I'm going to make more. I now realize that this is all just a game to two teenagers who didn't give a lot of thought to the feelings of the person who loves them more than anyone in this world could. They are teens so I have to forgive them for they know not what they do.

So, this is how my heart breaks and will hopefully be mended soon.

Roughing It

~edited 10-5-08 to add: I originally wrote this post for my own benefit never expecting to publish it. I accidentally hit publish and this was posted to Google reader. I immediately received emails and comments about where it had gone. I decided to post it since many had already seen it. ~end edit

Life has been more than slightly strange for me for over a year. I've talked in great depth about not knowing who I am based on my extreme weight loss and the way others treat me. People talk at me instead of to me. Sometimes I feel like an object rather than a person. It's easier to stay silent than to try and prove that I actually have a brain and know how to use it (although sometimes that statement is questionable).

There is a lot going on with me right now that I'm not able to share with you all. Just know that my entire life is in complete turmoil. My ultimate goal is to keep things sane for my children. This is proving tougher than I thought. Let's just say that I'm learning what I'm made of.

Most of my life I've fought the idea of going to a counselor but decided that it was time to try and figure out how to fix what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly sure that these sessions are helping much. The person I'm seeing really has no inkling what I'm going through on some levels. Not all of my issues are based on weight loss and I'm hoping to get a better grasp on them.

This whole mid life crap is for the birds. Why do we have to look ahead to tomorrow? I've been living the last couple of years by the seat of my pants, never making any commitments to anyone beyond a day or two. I don't know what my future holds for me so I can't make plans that I may have to break.

There is much in my life that I am very thankful for. I realize that people have problems much worse than mine and I feel like mine are trivial in comparison. Yet, there they are, staring me in the face, begging to be dealt with.

On the positive side, I have amazing friends that are there for me whenever I need them. Without them, I may have been confined to the nearest loony bin. So, if I seem kind of distant and haven't visited you in a while, please don't take it personally. I'm trying my hardest just to stay afloat.

Motherhood

Mr. Sign and I have been lucky enough to have my parents around to take the girls off our hands a couple of weekends a month. I cannot tell you how much this makes me a better mother. I often feel like a lackluster mother when both of my girls need my attention. It's so tiring to have everyone want a piece of you and I'm not always as attentive as I should be with my children.

My youngest talks non stop from the second her eyes open in the morning until she finally crashes in bed at night. Sometimes she talks in her sleep. This would all be great if she talked about important things. Most of the time she wants to tell me about some dream she had, a book she's reading or a TV show she watched. I finally had to tell her to learn to condense her versions. This kid gives every little unnecessary detail about everything including what color underwear she has on. Argh! I love her to death, but my brain is on overload already.

Because of this incessant flapping of the lips, I sometimes miss important things she's telling me. This makes me a bad mother.

Anywho, I feel rejuvenated when I get at least a 12 hour break from "Talk Talk" (her nickname). I'm much nicer to Mr. Sign who also always seems to need every moment of my attention as well.

So I say, "Thank you, God, for making Grandparents," and allowing me time to rejuvenate to be a better mother.