Time To Fess Up

I've posted here recently about being judged.  I'm coming to a point in my life where I don't care anymore.  Well, that's not really true.  You see, I'm a pleaser.  I want everyone to like me and not think I'm a complete blithering idiot. But I also have something I really need to talk about and I just can't do that with people that know me. 

I've been struggling with a lot lately.  Not only my weight, but my propensity to binge drink.  I only drink twice a month, but when I do, look out world because I'm going to do it up big. The other problem with this drinking is that it causes major anxiety for days.  The kind that makes you want to crawl out of your own skin.  Being around other people when I'm in this state is painful.  I wish I would just get the normal hangover with a headache and weak stomach.  I never knew this was something that is quite common. 

 As far back as I can remember, whenever I drank, it was almost always to excess.  Keep in mind that I've gone years without drinking.  In fact, I rarely think about it except when I'm staying with a "friend" every other weekend. I don't drink during the week either.  The counselor that I've been seeing and I discuss whether or not I'm an alcoholic.  One doesn't have to drink daily to be one.  I despise that label like most people would.   

Therapy has been helpful in forcing me to come to terms with why I'm such a mess.  I knew that it mostly stemmed from childhood sexual abuse.  I've seen the counselor cry during several of my sessions.  I think she may be as tender hearted as I.  It's strange to say the least but also makes me realize that the abuse was much more horrible than I ever cared to remember.

We all screw up but my question is why can't I get my crap together?

I'm Sorry

Seems like I say that a lot lately.  I'd love to catch you up on the last few years of my life but that would take forever and honestly, who really cares?  I'm not down on my life, just being real with where I am in my journey.

I'm glad that I had the wear with all to write the things I did here.  Recently, I've taken to putting pen to paper with hopes that no one will ever find or read it.  It's easier to write when you know it's only for you.  I've found that everyone judges my every move and it's hard to find someone to talk to that isn't shaking their head at what I'm trying to tell them.  A counselor has become my best friend even though I'm paying out of pocket.

On the weightloss/gain front, I'm up 50 pounds from my lowest weight.  I've come to begrudgingly accept that sad fact.  My weight is exactly where my weight loss surgeon said it would be which is still down 158 pounds seven years after weight loss surgery.  I'm not nearly as active as I used to be.  I've found that gaining weight makes my entire body hurt.  I need to refocus and get back at it.  It sure makes a difference in my mental health.  I have lost the confidence I once had a my lowest weight.  Something mentally changed and I just don't feel like I have the world on their knees. 

My daughters are both doing well.  One is a Senior in college and the other a Senior in high school.  I've been thinking a lot about how my life is going to change a year from now when the youngest goes to college.  I need to find more things to occupy my time. 

On the relationship front, I'm still with the same guy (it's been almost 4 years).  He still lives an hour away.  I made a promise to myself not to move anyone in with me until my youngest is out of the house.  She's had a pretty rough time with the divorce and her father moving his partner in nearly 3 years ago with them.  I've found someone that I love more than I've ever loved any man.  We also have had a hard row to hoe.  I won't get into that here as I respect that he doesn't like me talking about him on the internet.  (He doesn't get the whole blogging thing.)  But, I also see that he loves me in a way I've never been loved. 

Financially, I'm doing pretty well considering how much money I earn.  The only debt I have is my house.  My credit rating is around 800 and I'm pretty proud of that.  I'm still living in the house and my van is paid for.  Not a bad feat considering my income is about $13,000 a year.  Can you believe I just told the world that?  Honestly, I have everything I need.  I've learned to use what I have and make the most of it.  Don't get me wrong, if I miss a paycheck, I'm screwed, but overall, financially I'm squeaking by quite nicely.   Child support has been pretty much non existent since the ex can't seem to keep a job.  So, I can say I've done all of this by myself and it's made me stronger.  I remember my apprehension when considering divorce.  I was sure I couldn't make it financially on my own.  IN YOUR FACE, SIGNGURL!.  :)

I'm still working both jobs.  The sign shop is hopping right along and I still love that job.  It's amazing to look around and see that small parts of myself that are all over the area.  I'm sure many of the signs will be here longer than I will.  The agricultural job is also going well although I don't work many hours there.  I've gotten the job down to a science so I'm there much less. 

I miss my blogger friends.  You have all gone with me on quite the journey that I may never have taken had I not started blogging.  My hope is to come here and get brave again and pretend like no one is judging my life. 

This is me today, looking much older but hopefully wiser. 

Invisible

I'm sure you all have given up on me. Sometimes I think I have done the same. I think about blogging often. I miss it terribly. There is so much to be said for having a place to rest your brain while getting support.

Life is still a struggle for me. I'm still working the two jobs and I love both of them. I've been in the sign business for almost 10 years and in the safety business for two years this month. The agricultural job took me into the fields this summer and fall. It was some of the most physically demanding work I've ever done but it was also awesome to know that I was capable.

My weight continues to frustrate me. I've gained about 45 pounds back. I haven't exercised much since summer and even then, wasn't as obsessed with it as I had been in the past. Gaining weight has taught me that I need to learn again to control my behaviors. The gastric bypass surgery still limits the amount of food that I can eat, even after 5 years and I'm thankful for that. My self esteem is in the crapper. I'm disgusted with myself. It's almost like I weigh nearly 400 pounds again as I look away when people look at me in hopes that they won't see me. I'm, becoming invisible again. Fat people are sometimes treated like they are invisible. At least fat WOMEN are. I don't see that happening with men.

Weight gain has also led to periods of depression. For me, they may only last a few minutes or a few days. Honestly, my life is not that terrible. I don't make a lot of money, but I have everything I need with the exception of health insurance. Don't get me going on that rant.

The man in my life has remained there for over two years. We still live over an hour apart. That has caused some issues in our relationship. I remain where I am for daughter #2. She's had so much change and I don't want to disrupt her any more than she has been.

Me, #1 and #2.

Sorry this has been depressing. Hopefully, Spring will be here and help change my attitude.

Blogging

I have given a lot of thought recently to blogging. I started blogging over 5 years ago. I never dreamed anyone would give a crap about what I had to say. Blogging gave me the courage to admit things that I wouldn't tell most people. It brought me a mental clarity to realize that my life was not what I wanted it to be. Blogging donated the confidence that I needed to make the changes necessary to set my life in motion. Without it, I'm not sure I would have ever had weight loss surgery.

Blogging has brought me many real life friends that I would never have had the pleasure of knowing without the help of the internet. These relationships are some of the strongest in friendships.

I am currently still in a relationship that began over a year ago. He lives over an hour away so we mostly see each when we can. I'm content with where our relationship is and don't feel the immediate need to change things. I'm enjoying making it on my own. I never dreamed that I would be able to pay my own way in life and make decisions completely alone. It's not as bad as I thought.

The guy doesn't agree with blogging. He thinks that it's an invasion of privacy. I tried to explain that blogging is like pen pals were back in the day when you couldn't wait to hear from your friend from afar. So, out of respect for him, I won't post pictures of him here. What follows are pictures taken during a camping trip last month that we took with my parents. It was 32 degrees but we had a blast despite the weather.

My youngest and me on Suicide Bend at Tippy Dam. Those tiny dots on the river are people fishing for Salmon.

Here we are on top of a metal giant grasshopper statue.

This was a giant fire pit. The focus was supposed to be on the colors behind me in the trees but the photographer (who shall remain nameless) didn't get them in the shot.

This is what 3 days of camping without running water looks like.

If any of you still read this, I thank you for that. I think about you often. :)

3 Years Later

This was me three years ago. I'm smiling on the outside, but inside I was crying, maybe even screaming because I was so unhappy with myself.


Three years ago today, I was wheeled into surgery believing that I was going to die on the table. When you weigh 384 pounds, you don't have much hope that you will go on living.

Who knew how much my life would change? I have my life back now. I broke out of a body that was my prison. I'm able to do things that I never dreamed my body could. I can run and wrestle with my girls.

While life has really been kicking me in the butt, lately, I realize that I'm still better off than I've ever been in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.

The costume I wore last night to a party.

Moving On

I've been officially divorced for just over a week. Things are starting to feel better as far as being on my own goes. The panic has begun to subside ever so slightly. I can't believe there could be any more tears left in this body. Do they ever stop? I absolutely hate my emotions, or at least hate showing them to others.

I'm putting together a plan that will hopefully allow me to keep my house and get Mr. Sign's name off of the mortgage. I never dreamed that I would be so set financially one minute and so destitute the next. How does that happen? Michigan's economy sucks!

A friend made a point about how I view myself. Honestly, I still see only flaws when I look in the mirror. I see the remnants of disregarding myself emotionally and physically. A life spent not giving a crap about what I was doing to myself by ignoring my own basic needs. So, every day, I make a point to try and see something good about myself. It's a struggle.

My weight has stabilized at close to my lowest weight. I still make sure that I get all the protein in that I need to. I eat pretty much what I want but still in very small quantities. Gaining weight still petrifies me.

My dating life is making me insane. This could be because the fat girl in my head just won't die. She yells at me that I'm just not good enough for anyone. She taunts me and tells me that people are snickering behind my back. She doesn't allow me much happiness.

My life feels like it's on hold right now. It seems like I'm waiting for something but I have no idea what it is. I hope it's a good surprise because I'm at the point that I'm not sure I can handle many more bumps. Now, where's my helmet?

Four Years!!

You may have noticed that I've been blogging a bit again as of late. Quite honestly, I've missed putting my brain here for the world to see. Blogging has brought me through some of the most introspective times of my life. Without it, I know wholeheartedly that I wouldn't be where I am today, a nearly divorced, much healthier single mother of two.

Four years ago I was in a terrible place, both mentally and physically. I weighed nearly 400 pounds and knew that my marriage was definitely on the rocks. At that time, Mr. Sign had decided to go back to school which left me with oodles of time on my hands at night. So, I picked up the laptop and started playing on line Scrabble. I tired of that and somehow stumbled onto someone's blog. I read it with trepidation, feeling like I was reading someone's diary and shouldn't have been. I was elated to see that people had left comments on the blog. It took me about a week to get up the courage to try my own hand at writing a blog. The trick was finding anyone who cared to read this crap. Writing was titillating for me and I was excited to have an outlet for my brain waves.

Blogging gave me the strength to realize that I was trapped in a body that I had all but abandoned. Blogging allowed me to see just how completely unhappy I made myself. I hated that body because it held me back from life and all the things I wanted to do, but was physically unable to do. I couldn't run and play with my daughters because I could barely get my own butt out of a chair by myself. I felt terrible for the time I had wasted being fat. Don't get me wrong. I was an active fat person, at least as active as I could be at that weight. I knew people could call me fat, but I would never allow them to call me lazy.

Blogging also brought about a huge revelation for me. It was here that I was able to divulge for the first time, the abuse I had suffered as a child. I spent most of my life trying to block out memories but found that they surfaced at the most inopportune moments. I decided it was time to face facts and get it into the open. I'm still dealing with all of this and the effects it's had on me.

So, four years of my life are here on this blog, and what a four years it's been. I've been up, down, kicked around, but I'm still plugging away. Every day I wonder what life has in store for me. Sometimes I miss monotony. But, man, am I having fun!

Where Have You Been?

Out living life of course!! Adjusting to single life seems to be suiting me, although being alone took a bit to get used to.

Mr. Sign remains amicable and generous. As a matter of fact, he and I are often seen together which confuses people immensely. It's hard to tell old friends we encounter that we are in fact getting divorced but still friends. Apparently, this is quite uncommon. The most beautiful part is that we get to go to separate homes at the end of the day.

The divorce is moving slowly, at my discretion. We decided that neither of us is in a great hurry to be officially divorced. This benefits me in that I get to keep health insurance benefits until all is said and done.

We are sharing custody of the girls who seem to be adjusting well as far as I can tell.

I started dating a great guy almost 6 months ago. He decided to have weight loss surgery, not because of me, but because he wanted to change his life. When he came to me, I told him he needed to do his own research and make that decision on his own. So, last week he became a member of the weight loss surgery group.

Our relationship seemed to get serious despite my warnings. I was afraid I was going to break his heart so I took things one day at a time. We both fell head over heals for each other and honestly, I never dreamed I would let my feelings get so intense. Over the months, things started to feel like we were married. We decided because we live an hour apart, that we should slow things down. Neither of us wants to be married again, but would rather like to enjoy each other's company. We are now happily dating and remain hopeful that two people can be a little more than "great friends".

Another new love has crept into my life as well. I am now bicycling 125 miles a week. I went out to get in my car to walk one day and saw the bike sitting there. I thought, "What the heck?" and threw it in the car only to ride 21 miles on my first trip. Our city has an amazing river trail that is one of the most beautiful in the U.S. I don't have to worry about getting hit on the road by a car.

The end of the River Trail.

My weight is still fluctuating about 5 pounds up and down. I decided to accept my accomplishements and continue being as active as possible. My new life is a work in progress but I wouldn't change a minute of my past. It's made me who I am today.

(I'm working here, lol. I'm reading Sign Builder's Illustrated).

Quit Yer Complainin'

It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

Where Was I?

Life as a separated, single parent is just plain strange to me. Most of my friends don't call or make an effort to find out how we are doing. Their response is that they just don't know what to say. "We always thought you were the perfect couple.". I'm here to tell you that nothing and no one is perfect in this world.

For those people that assume that the dissolution of our marriage was based solely on both of us having weight loss surgery, you simply have no idea. Our problems started way before that. What I will say about losing over 200 pounds, is that it gave me the courage to know that I could venture out on my own. I knew at 384 pounds that the world was too mean to fat chicks and wouldn't allow me to live life alone.

Living life on my terms has empowered me to know that I can make it in this world. It has also given me moments of sheer terror about being all alone. I become panicked when I think about what I have to do totally on my own. Things like keeping up the lawn and taking care of the house. (I should tell you that Mr. Sign has given the house and most of the contents to me. He has been more than fair and for that I am grateful.) During these fits, I basically lose my mind and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I hate emotions, or at least hate showing my emotions. I've always been the strong one who was there for everyone else. I'm not used to having to lean on others for emotional support. God has put new people in my life to help me along this journey, since the old ones seem lost.

Only those that have been there seem to understand that divorce is worse than a death. At least with death, there is some finality. I find myself happy one minute and sobbing the next. Mourning a lost time, not necessarily a lost relationship. I miss the simplicity of married life. You know the one: Get up, go to work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Things seem harder because Mr. Sign and I remain friends and don't hate each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier to break that 21 year old relationship if we despised each other.

Some of you have asked how I'm doing with my weight. I'm going to be totally honest and let you know that I have regained about 8 pounds. This scares the crap out of me. I know that it's because I have become a stress eater. I am powerless over food. No matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, the more they seem to call out to me, promising comfort from the evils of the world. The more I worry about eating, the more I want to eat.

Regardless of how bad I know it's going to be, I still weigh myself every day. I spoke with my weight loss surgeon and he assured me that weight gain is normal. In fact, most people gain back at least 20 pounds. I don't want to be that statistic. I am hopeful that with the approach of Spring will come a loss of appetite.

I also struggle with the fact that when I do lose weight, it is usually in my face. I don't like looking gaunt and sickly. I also don't like my big fat rear end. It's kind of a toss up, big butt or super skinny face.

Thank you all for your kind and sincere words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you are there for me during this turbulent time in my life.

I will leave you with a few pictures of the girls and me:

Great Expectations

I'm not gonna lie when I tell you how bad I feel about abandoning this blog. Many of you know of my trials and tribulations. I'll give you the brief overview.

Over three years ago, Mr. Sign and I decided that we needed to work harder on our marriage. I wasn't happy, mostly with myself. My weight had gotten the better of me. So, we decided to have weight loss surgery together. This brought us together for a time.

Last Spring I started thinking about turning 40 and the fact that I had spent more than half of my life with one person and where did my life go. So, I did a lot of soul searching. In my quest, I realized that I needed to spread my wings and go forth with the life that my weight had compressed. I decided that I wasn't going to settle for being just "ok".

Don't get me wrong, I have led a very charmed life. Mr. Sign has been more than supportive of me for our entire relationship (21 years, 19 of them married). However, I realized that he wasn't entirely happy either.

So, I told him to go find what made him happy. I believed that in letting him go, things would be easy for me. I thought I wouldn't have feelings because feelings are messy and I don't like letting them show. And, things were easy at first. I was doing my thing and he was doing his. We decided to continue to do our own thing but to stay married for the girls' sakes.

This only worked for a few months when we both realized that it was too hard to go this route for everyone. Mr. Sign moved into an apartment that was closer to his job. It was an hour away from me and the girls. We decided that on weekends we would switch residences so that he could be with the girls and we wouldn't have to see each other. This worked well.

A few months later, we decided that we needed to formally separate. We hadn't told anyone that we had been separated since June. Again, I assumed that this task would be easy because I didn't want to allow my feelings to be involved.

Wow, this is getting wordy so I'm going to post this much and finish it at a later time....

Woot!

In light of things not always being the way I would like them in my life, small things tend to make me happy. Even though it's Monday morning, I know it's going to be a great day. I got on the scale to find that I had dropped 7 pounds since Friday (I was up 4 pounds from lowest weight. My weight fluctuates +/- 4 pounds on any given day.)! I was sure it was wrong so I stepped back on the scale only to be greeted with the same number, 176.

• Highest weight 384
• Total pounds lost since weight loss surgery, 208
• I am 4 pounds below my original goal
  
• Highest BMI, 62%
• Current BMI 28%
  
• Highest pant size 36W
  
• Current pant size, 10
• 54% of my total body weight is gone (I'm less than half myself)

So watch me as I happy dance and please feel free to join me.

A Few Things

I thought I would update on a few things that have been happening lately.

First, Mr. Sign and I had our 2 year weight loss surgery doctor appointments. Mr. Sign is still holding steady having lost all of his weight (136 pounds) in the first 6 months. He would like to lose another 25 pounds and plans on doing that. His biggest downfall is that he doesn't keep track of what he eats.

The physician's assistant high fived me when he saw my weight loss. He said that he could tell that I kept track of everything. He was strangely amazed at my progress (a loss of 205 pounds). He said that most people show a gain in the second year after WLS. I'm so happy not to be a statistic. My blood work came back excellent. The only issue I have is that he diagnosed me with Raynaud's Syndrome. This is something I will have to watch closely since I work outside in the winter. This was not a side effect of the surgery.

As most of you know, I have been on a mission to exercise and become more healthy as well as continuing to lose weight. Yesterday I was asked to be interviewed for Heathly and Fit Magazine as a success story. I will be featured in the January issue. (I also had my picture and a quote in Obesity Help magazine, but still have not received a copy.) It's kind of bizarre that people want to hear my story, but I'm very excited to share it. I want to focus on the support group that I head up and the fact that I'm trying hard to motivate everyone to get active.

This brings up the fact that I have become the person that made me want to scream when it comes to exercise. I hated people that talked about the high they got from exercise. I wanted to wring their necks when they jumped around with all their extra energy that they had gained due to exercise. Those people made me feel terrible about myself since I wasn't doing anything to better myself. I hope that I will be able to show people that you can turn your life around and feel better about yourself.

2 Years

Two years ago tomorrow (10-25), I went into the operating room believing that if I died, I would be better off. I hated myself for what I had allowed myself to become. I weighed 384 pounds and was completely miserable. I knew that weight loss surgery was my last hope for a healthy life.

Being a 37 year old that could barely climb the stairs to her bedroom makes one learn to take control of her life. My children had only known me as super morbidly obese and had missed out on so much in their won lives because of it.

My life has changed in ways I never dreamed. Here is a list I compiled of things I wanted to do. I've done every one and many more.

I had planned on making a big deal out of this anniversary since I hit my weight loss goal. Unfortunately, because I still don't have my laptop, this will have to suffice for now.

December 2005, my friend Stephanie and me:

Summer 2005 just before I dumped this 350:

The next two pictures were taken by the talented Barman on a beautiful Autumn day:

(if you click on the pictures, it will take you to Photobucket to see the rest)

It took me two hours to post this from the old computer, so I'll try and tweek it a bit when/if I get my laptop back.

So, life is great, but strange at the same time. I'll be partying down this weekend at a Halloween party. I plan on having lots of fun on my special day.

Updates

You have all been asking about my mom and Mr. Sign. Mom is doing awesomely. She is already back to exercising and has lost almost 40 pounds. She looks amazing and I can't express how happy I am for her.

Mr. Sign lost all of his weight in the first 6 months after surgery. He hasn't lost or gained a pound since. He is happy with his weight but would still like to lose a few more pounds. He works out voraciously every day and it shows. This also allows him to eat pretty much what he wants.

Here is a picture taken in June 2006 before we both had surgery:



This is what Mr. Sign looked like on Saturday during our walk in the woods:



Not too bad, eh?

Someone Somewhere Is Smiling On Me

This weekend was very relaxing for me. It was a much needed respite from all the chaos that is my life. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I had lost 5 pounds (I was up just a smidge from my lowest). This puts me 1 pound below my original goal for a total loss of 205 pounds, having started at 384 pounds. Whoa, that is even incredible for me to hear.



My new goal is to lose 15 pounds more. I'm not sure how attainable that is, but I'm going to work at it. Considering that a surgeon guesses that 20-25 pounds of me may be extra skin, I am close to being at a normal weight. I've never been normal about anything I've done. Almost normal feels gooooooooooood!!!!!!

Roughing It

~edited 10-5-08 to add: I originally wrote this post for my own benefit never expecting to publish it. I accidentally hit publish and this was posted to Google reader. I immediately received emails and comments about where it had gone. I decided to post it since many had already seen it. ~end edit

Life has been more than slightly strange for me for over a year. I've talked in great depth about not knowing who I am based on my extreme weight loss and the way others treat me. People talk at me instead of to me. Sometimes I feel like an object rather than a person. It's easier to stay silent than to try and prove that I actually have a brain and know how to use it (although sometimes that statement is questionable).

There is a lot going on with me right now that I'm not able to share with you all. Just know that my entire life is in complete turmoil. My ultimate goal is to keep things sane for my children. This is proving tougher than I thought. Let's just say that I'm learning what I'm made of.

Most of my life I've fought the idea of going to a counselor but decided that it was time to try and figure out how to fix what is wrong with me. I'm not exactly sure that these sessions are helping much. The person I'm seeing really has no inkling what I'm going through on some levels. Not all of my issues are based on weight loss and I'm hoping to get a better grasp on them.

This whole mid life crap is for the birds. Why do we have to look ahead to tomorrow? I've been living the last couple of years by the seat of my pants, never making any commitments to anyone beyond a day or two. I don't know what my future holds for me so I can't make plans that I may have to break.

There is much in my life that I am very thankful for. I realize that people have problems much worse than mine and I feel like mine are trivial in comparison. Yet, there they are, staring me in the face, begging to be dealt with.

On the positive side, I have amazing friends that are there for me whenever I need them. Without them, I may have been confined to the nearest loony bin. So, if I seem kind of distant and haven't visited you in a while, please don't take it personally. I'm trying my hardest just to stay afloat.

Thursday Portraits

I was going through some old pictures and decided to scan a few. I apologize for the quality. I can't figure out why they are so grainy.

This is #1 and me taken on a wagon train trip 4 years ago.
Yes, we rode on wagons for days behind teams of mules and horses.
My biggest let down was when it was time to go horseback riding and I was too fat:

SignGurl in action taken in 2003:

Another wagon train picture taken after camping
for 3 days with no electricity:

My senior year in high school taken in Orlando, FL in 1987.
I was really shocked at how heavy I was. I didn't feel that fat then.
I weigh about 15 pounds less now than I did then:

This is me today:

My weight held me back from doing so much. Every day I find something else that I can do that I couldn't before. Life is good!

Difference

What a difference a week makes in the park where I walk.

You may remember this picture from my flood walk:

This is what the path looked like today:

You can see how wet the area still is. I like the smell because it reminds me of Spring. I think Mother Nature is confused. I know I am.

I pushed myself to walk a different part of the trail tonight.
I was surprised to find a sign that told me how far I had walked:

I ended up walking more than 6 miles. I'm so amazed at how easy it is for me to push myself a little further every day. Keep in mind that I worked out in the morning and then worked standing on my feet all day before walking. My energy level can only be compared to dynamite at this point. I thank myself every day for having the courage to change my life by having weight loss surgery.

Mom's Big Day

My mom had gastric bypass surgery on 9-12-08. I was there to support her. She was a bit nervous as one would expect when you are rearranging your innards for the rest of your life.

This is me, Mom and my sister before she went into surgery:




This is our rock star surgeon:



Mr. Sign, Dr. and me:



Doc and me (I was so nervous being next to him):



The surgeon was very impressed with my progress. He said he had seen my weight loss website (email if you would like the link) and thought it was great. He also wanted to know how I was still able to lose weight at this late stage of the game. Most people only lose weight for the 18 month period after surgery. I explained my food and exercise regimen. I really do work hard at this.

Anyway, my mom did great through the whole surgery process. She was a star patient and was up and walking 2.5 hours after major surgery.

I spent the night with her in the hospital so that I could help her do what she needed to do. I didn't sleep much, but it was all worth it to be there for her. She was released less than 24 hours after her surgery. She is home and doing awesomely. I can't wait to watch her progress.