Getting It Together

So, yeah.  I'm running through life and remembering to stop and smell the roses.  Things are going pretty well.  Mostly due to the fact that I decided several months ago to stop drinking.  Alcohol was not doing me any favors.  Amazingly, the anxiety went away despite life being more hectic than ever. 

My stepdad/boss had quadruple bypass surgery which leaves me to run the sign shop alone.  I'm doing ok and figuring out ways to make things work, including working the second job.  I decided after much self depreciating thinking that I have much to be grateful for.  I'm working two jobs, keeping my home and the bills are paid.  I do without a lot of extras, but honestly, life has been good to me. 

I'm still in a relationship with a man and it's been almost 4.5 years.  We still live separately.  We've been through our ups and downs and it's nice to know that someone actually loves me. 

My weight is steady, although it's higher than I'd like. I keep reminding myself that I'm still 134 pounds less than my highest weight.  (Yes, doing the math means that I've gained a lot of weight.) I'm trying to eat healthy but it's tough on such a limited income.  Who's idea was it to make junk food so cheap and real food expensive?

My goal is to keep getting it together.

I'm Sorry

Seems like I say that a lot lately.  I'd love to catch you up on the last few years of my life but that would take forever and honestly, who really cares?  I'm not down on my life, just being real with where I am in my journey.

I'm glad that I had the wear with all to write the things I did here.  Recently, I've taken to putting pen to paper with hopes that no one will ever find or read it.  It's easier to write when you know it's only for you.  I've found that everyone judges my every move and it's hard to find someone to talk to that isn't shaking their head at what I'm trying to tell them.  A counselor has become my best friend even though I'm paying out of pocket.

On the weightloss/gain front, I'm up 50 pounds from my lowest weight.  I've come to begrudgingly accept that sad fact.  My weight is exactly where my weight loss surgeon said it would be which is still down 158 pounds seven years after weight loss surgery.  I'm not nearly as active as I used to be.  I've found that gaining weight makes my entire body hurt.  I need to refocus and get back at it.  It sure makes a difference in my mental health.  I have lost the confidence I once had a my lowest weight.  Something mentally changed and I just don't feel like I have the world on their knees. 

My daughters are both doing well.  One is a Senior in college and the other a Senior in high school.  I've been thinking a lot about how my life is going to change a year from now when the youngest goes to college.  I need to find more things to occupy my time. 

On the relationship front, I'm still with the same guy (it's been almost 4 years).  He still lives an hour away.  I made a promise to myself not to move anyone in with me until my youngest is out of the house.  She's had a pretty rough time with the divorce and her father moving his partner in nearly 3 years ago with them.  I've found someone that I love more than I've ever loved any man.  We also have had a hard row to hoe.  I won't get into that here as I respect that he doesn't like me talking about him on the internet.  (He doesn't get the whole blogging thing.)  But, I also see that he loves me in a way I've never been loved. 

Financially, I'm doing pretty well considering how much money I earn.  The only debt I have is my house.  My credit rating is around 800 and I'm pretty proud of that.  I'm still living in the house and my van is paid for.  Not a bad feat considering my income is about $13,000 a year.  Can you believe I just told the world that?  Honestly, I have everything I need.  I've learned to use what I have and make the most of it.  Don't get me wrong, if I miss a paycheck, I'm screwed, but overall, financially I'm squeaking by quite nicely.   Child support has been pretty much non existent since the ex can't seem to keep a job.  So, I can say I've done all of this by myself and it's made me stronger.  I remember my apprehension when considering divorce.  I was sure I couldn't make it financially on my own.  IN YOUR FACE, SIGNGURL!.  :)

I'm still working both jobs.  The sign shop is hopping right along and I still love that job.  It's amazing to look around and see that small parts of myself that are all over the area.  I'm sure many of the signs will be here longer than I will.  The agricultural job is also going well although I don't work many hours there.  I've gotten the job down to a science so I'm there much less. 

I miss my blogger friends.  You have all gone with me on quite the journey that I may never have taken had I not started blogging.  My hope is to come here and get brave again and pretend like no one is judging my life. 

This is me today, looking much older but hopefully wiser. 

Invisible

I'm sure you all have given up on me. Sometimes I think I have done the same. I think about blogging often. I miss it terribly. There is so much to be said for having a place to rest your brain while getting support.

Life is still a struggle for me. I'm still working the two jobs and I love both of them. I've been in the sign business for almost 10 years and in the safety business for two years this month. The agricultural job took me into the fields this summer and fall. It was some of the most physically demanding work I've ever done but it was also awesome to know that I was capable.

My weight continues to frustrate me. I've gained about 45 pounds back. I haven't exercised much since summer and even then, wasn't as obsessed with it as I had been in the past. Gaining weight has taught me that I need to learn again to control my behaviors. The gastric bypass surgery still limits the amount of food that I can eat, even after 5 years and I'm thankful for that. My self esteem is in the crapper. I'm disgusted with myself. It's almost like I weigh nearly 400 pounds again as I look away when people look at me in hopes that they won't see me. I'm, becoming invisible again. Fat people are sometimes treated like they are invisible. At least fat WOMEN are. I don't see that happening with men.

Weight gain has also led to periods of depression. For me, they may only last a few minutes or a few days. Honestly, my life is not that terrible. I don't make a lot of money, but I have everything I need with the exception of health insurance. Don't get me going on that rant.

The man in my life has remained there for over two years. We still live over an hour apart. That has caused some issues in our relationship. I remain where I am for daughter #2. She's had so much change and I don't want to disrupt her any more than she has been.

Me, #1 and #2.

Sorry this has been depressing. Hopefully, Spring will be here and help change my attitude.

Bon Jour!

Well hello there! Yes, G-Man, I realize that I missed my quarterly post. That's because life has been so busy.

Firstly, my girls quickly came to their senses and came home. We worked things out. I think they realize that I am one of the few people in this world who will love them no matter what.

My oldest daughter graduated from high school 18th in a class of almost 300. Not too shabby. Because of her scholastic merits, she was able to get most of her first year of college paid for. In August, we took her 500 miles from home into the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and dumped her into her new life. I was surprised to find that my child, the child who has counted down the days to when she was leaving home since she was 11, was completely homesick. I never expected that, nor did she. She's still working on being a grown up. As she says, "Being an adult sucks!" I am so proud of her. She is an amazing girl.

Lake Superior with my girls

Last dinner as a family


Lake Michigan on the Cut River Bridge on the way home

Now, onto more unpleasant subjects, my weight. I have been struggling desperately with my weight (as you can see in the pictures). I am up 20 pounds from my lowest weight. My weight loss surgeon warned me that he has seen very few weight loss surgery patients that don't gain back at least 20 pounds. I am nearly 4 years out from surgery. Most people begin to gain in the 2nd year. I don't know how I was able to keep it off as long as I have. I know that my eating habits are not what they should be. I've also found that I have been compensating for stress with food. It's really killing me inside. I feel the old fat girl creeping back into my head. I know it affects the way I carry myself. I have no self confidence any more.

I pretty much spend my entire life worrying. I worry about my girls, money, my weight and about my love life. The stress is really getting to me. Being single is a lot of work, but I still have to remember that I made the right decision. I still have my house and recently paid off my van. The day after I paid off my van, my dad hit the front end and did $500 worth of damage.

One of the more worrisome things I have to worry about is my neighborhood. It had been a great neighborhood when I moved in 20 years ago. Unfortunately, many have lost their houses and they have been snatched up by slum lords who rent to drug dealers. On the night of July 4th, the house across the street had a bomb detonated between the two front doors. The front windows and doors were blown off and into my house. You haven't lived until you've heard a bomb at 1:30 AM literally jolt you physically out of bed, only to hear it raining glass on your house. I have never felt panic like that. The woman who lives there was only slightly injured because "Something told her to go into the other room and shut the door". Had she been in her normal spot, she would have been dead. This is not an attempted murder case. This is also one of 3 ongoing court cases revolving around that particular property. These include several different families who have moved in and out. It's pretty crappy when you are scared to death to go home.

So, yes, I am alive and kicking. Struggling, but kicking! I have been blogging for over 5 years. Where does the time go?

This Is How My Heart Breaks...

So, yeah, long absence again. A lot is going on in my life. I've been leery to post anything. I didn't even tell you all that I was published in a book this past December because of this blog. I was pretty excited, but trying to explain the book to non bloggers proved impossible. You can see the page I'm quoted on here.

I had to take on a second job. I'm working for one of the largest companies in the world part time and still doing sign work. My new job consists of being the Safety Assistant. This job is agricultural and I have roots there so it's good to get back to them. I work two 10 hour days there and the other three days in the sign shop. So now I'm Safety/Signgurl.

Yeah, that's a Wintersteiger combine behind me. It's bad ass and German!!

My weight keeps me struggling. I resigned myself to the fact that I will be 15 pounds heavier in the winter. I tried to continue walking and ended up hurting my back when I slipped on the ice. The injury put me out of work for a week. I still weigh myself every day and my mood depends on what that stupid scale says. Most days it tells me what a fat piece of crap I am. Losing over 200 pounds and I still feel like a fat blob. I wish I could get some of that confidence I had a while back. At one point, I felt like I could take on the world. I'm working my way back to that feeling.

This next part will be hard for me to write. In fact, some would tell me not to write it, but I'm gonna anyway. I've struggled with loneliness. No one can understand who hasn't truly been alone, as in get up alone, work and come home to no one for a week at a time. THAT is being alone. I dated and met a few nice guys. Once I met one that I enjoyed spending all of my time away from my kids with I decided it was time to introduce him to my kids. (We have been dating since October.) Let's just say that the first time they met things were great. But the next time, since he lives an hour away, I told him to stay at our house and he slept in my bed. This did not go over well with the girls. They have both decided that they would rather live with their dad (who is living an alternative lifestyle *wink*) . To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. I have never been hurt as deeply as my own children have hurt me. I shut down completely. I didn't eat or talk to anyone for 2 days. I needed to be alone to get those ugly feelings out. I needed to cry and yell and scream without anyone judging me. My kids have been my life for almost 18 years. I am lost without them.


My issue with all of this is why is it ok for their dad to see whomever he wants but when mom decides to bring someone home, she is a disrespectful mother. A friend reminded me that I have always been the rock and since dad decided to change completely, they looked to me to keep things the way they had always been. They cannot see me happy with anyone other than their father.

Thankfully, the "guy" was able to convince me to get up and dust myself off. He told me that I was a g00d mother (my mom says that too, but she's my mom so she has to). He showed me that he was there for me. He saved my life.

I know I've made mistakes with my girls. I tell them that daily. I'm going to make more. I now realize that this is all just a game to two teenagers who didn't give a lot of thought to the feelings of the person who loves them more than anyone in this world could. They are teens so I have to forgive them for they know not what they do.

So, this is how my heart breaks and will hopefully be mended soon.

Moving On

I've been officially divorced for just over a week. Things are starting to feel better as far as being on my own goes. The panic has begun to subside ever so slightly. I can't believe there could be any more tears left in this body. Do they ever stop? I absolutely hate my emotions, or at least hate showing them to others.

I'm putting together a plan that will hopefully allow me to keep my house and get Mr. Sign's name off of the mortgage. I never dreamed that I would be so set financially one minute and so destitute the next. How does that happen? Michigan's economy sucks!

A friend made a point about how I view myself. Honestly, I still see only flaws when I look in the mirror. I see the remnants of disregarding myself emotionally and physically. A life spent not giving a crap about what I was doing to myself by ignoring my own basic needs. So, every day, I make a point to try and see something good about myself. It's a struggle.

My weight has stabilized at close to my lowest weight. I still make sure that I get all the protein in that I need to. I eat pretty much what I want but still in very small quantities. Gaining weight still petrifies me.

My dating life is making me insane. This could be because the fat girl in my head just won't die. She yells at me that I'm just not good enough for anyone. She taunts me and tells me that people are snickering behind my back. She doesn't allow me much happiness.

My life feels like it's on hold right now. It seems like I'm waiting for something but I have no idea what it is. I hope it's a good surprise because I'm at the point that I'm not sure I can handle many more bumps. Now, where's my helmet?

Worries

My life has become one worry after another. This week, I found myself in such an uptight state, that I think I've actually developed an ulcer. I mean, I'm worrying about some ridiculous things, like why my hair is always a mess or why can't someone besides me clean the cat boxes. Most of my concerns have come from financial woes. I hate not being in control of my destiny. One strange phenomenon I've noticed about being single is that if I put money in the bank, it's actually still there when I check on it. There is no one but me to spend it. That is definitely a bonus.

Because Mr. Sign and I share custody of the girls, I spend a lot of time alone now. I've never been alone for more than a day at a time in my entire life. I spent every minute that I could with my girls, being a stay at home mom for 10 years and then being as actively involved in their school as humanly possible. It's so strange to not know now what they are doing every minute and especially weird to have to entertain myself. I ride my bike 20 miles a day and still work out every morning. My house has never been cleaner.

I had moments this week where I actually questioned my decision to become single. I thought about how charmed my life had been. I had everything I needed including wonderful kids, a great house and car, awesome health and a husband who loved me. I'm the one who decided to put the fairy tale to an end. Was I out of my mind? Nah, I couldn't live my life in a lie. While I reflect on the time I spent as a married person, I realize that I had many good years and I don't regret any of them. But, I needed to look toward the future and my own happiness instead of the happiness of everyone around me. It was time for me to take care of me. If all goes well, I will officially be divorced on Tuesday, October 6, 2009. I'll have a little piece of paper that will end 22 years of togetherness.

Trust me when I tell you how weird it is to date. It's been 22 years since I had the privilege of worrying about what I'm going to wear, where we are going, who's going to pay and what are we going to talk about. I do admit to loving the butterflies when I first meet someone. I've had excellent responses from almost all of my dates. Most of them I have met on line and they have all been just what they portrayed themselves to be.

One guy in particular had such a great introduction message that I couldn't resist. I ended up adding to his story line and we went back and forth with this whole scenario for almost a month. Neither of us had said anything real in that time but decided that we should meet. So, I met him at a swanky bar downtown that I'd never been to. It was comical that we sat in a horseshoe shaped booth at opposite sides. He asked if he would recognize any of my sign work. I told him that we do all the directional signs for one of the local hospitals. He asked me if I knew "stepdad's name here". I said that I might know him a little bit. I asked him how they were acquainted. He said, "I was the engineering supervisor for the hospital project and worked with "stepdad's name here" and thought he was such a great guy. I yelled out, "You are (fill in guy's name here)!" He wondered how I knew his full name since we hadn't swapped surnames. Come to find out, he and I had talked many times on the phone and had emailed when he ordered signs, but had never met. Anyway, as the night, the loud band and our drinking progressed, we got closer and closer in the booth. We discussed the fact that we had both been married almost 20 years each and had only "we" stories. I still can't talk about anything without saying we, as in we did this and we went there. We decided it was time for us both to make some "me" stories. After the night ended with me going in for the hug, he messaged me that we had just made a "we" story. I retorted that at least it wasn't a "wee" story.

So, we have had several dates since. We both decided to move slowly. I'm not so sure now that I want to move as slowly as him, but he's worth waiting for. The fat girl in me worries about my weight, extra skin and low self confidence when it comes to him. He's very physically fit and downright thin. My brain tells me that he's going to reject me and throw me back to the wolves. I've told him several things about myself that would send most men screaming and yet he's still hanging around. I hold my breath every day that he still wants to see me. I love the butterflies and hate them at the same time. I'm learning to enjoy the ride, be it a slow one when I'm used to flying down that roller coaster. Maybe slower really is better. Hmmmm...

Quit Yer Complainin'

It's time for me to fess up. I have been complaining and obsessing over my weight for the last 6 months. But, I wasn't doing anything about it. I still weigh myself every day and watch my weight fluctuate as much as 5 pounds a day, terrified that I will regain all that weight back.

I was very disciplined with my eating habits until just after Christmas. That's when my life spun out of control (more so than it had already been). I allowed myself anything and everything my big a$$ desired. I told myself that it was ok to comfort myself with food because of what I was going through, never giving much thought to what I was doing to myself. When I did become aware of the fact that I was much like an alcoholic in regards to my addiction, things became worse. I found myself doing things that were unhealthy and just down right idiotic. If I tried even slightly not to cave, the craving became worse until I finally gave in.

Strangely, in the past, I had found that I was not a stress eater. Before weight loss surgery, I would stop eating all together during stressful times. For some reason, this all changed and I'm not entirely sure that it was because of the surgery. This has been and is the most chaotic and unpredictable time in my life and I believe that has more to do with why I am eating.

About a week ago, I realized that I was not feeling physically well and my mental state was in the proverbial crapper. I felt exactly the same way I had when I weighed 384 pounds. I was the fat girl all over again, searching high and low for her next fix. Believe me when I say that nothing I was putting into my body was healthy. I was running on pure sugar and feeling like a meth addict, living life in a cloud. Recognizing the behavior made me feel out of control and hopeless. My scale told me that my weight was almost 20 pounds above my lowest weight (I was only there for about 4 hours) and 17 above my most stable weight.

I can hear some of you nodding your heads thinking that you knew I was going to gain the weight back. Trust me when I say that I will NEVER go back to that place in my head. I don't like it and I don't like me when I'm there. I worked way too hard to lose over 200 pounds to ever go back to those old habits. There's a fat girl in my head and I'm trying to kill her, but she just won't die!

Something changed in my mentality. I don't know if it was that I was feeling so emotional about myself and only seeing the ugliness, but I decided finally to do something about myself. I reloaded my daily food intake program and set about journaling what my recent day's intake of food looked like. I had stopped journaling in October when my computer crashed.

Let me tell you, the first day was eye opening. I ate over 4000 calories! 2500 of those were homemade chocolate chip cookies (I make the best according to the girls). I nearly threw up when I realized what I had been doing to myself. In order for me to continue to lose weight, I need to keep my calories at 1500 if I don't walk and 1700 if I do. I could see now how I had regained the weight.

The next day, I buckled down and kept exact track of what I ate and kept my calories at about 1200. Low and behold, when I jumped on the scale the next morning, I was down 3 pounds from the day before. I did great all week and this even continued on through the weekend. As of today, 5 days into it, I'm down 9 pounds.

So, I have new, old goals of continuing to lose weight at 2.5 years after weight loss surgery. I continue to work out 5 days a week and have been walking 2 days.

No more complaining without taking action first. I plan on keeping my head above water and enjoying the swim.

Where Was I?

Life as a separated, single parent is just plain strange to me. Most of my friends don't call or make an effort to find out how we are doing. Their response is that they just don't know what to say. "We always thought you were the perfect couple.". I'm here to tell you that nothing and no one is perfect in this world.

For those people that assume that the dissolution of our marriage was based solely on both of us having weight loss surgery, you simply have no idea. Our problems started way before that. What I will say about losing over 200 pounds, is that it gave me the courage to know that I could venture out on my own. I knew at 384 pounds that the world was too mean to fat chicks and wouldn't allow me to live life alone.

Living life on my terms has empowered me to know that I can make it in this world. It has also given me moments of sheer terror about being all alone. I become panicked when I think about what I have to do totally on my own. Things like keeping up the lawn and taking care of the house. (I should tell you that Mr. Sign has given the house and most of the contents to me. He has been more than fair and for that I am grateful.) During these fits, I basically lose my mind and cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I hate emotions, or at least hate showing my emotions. I've always been the strong one who was there for everyone else. I'm not used to having to lean on others for emotional support. God has put new people in my life to help me along this journey, since the old ones seem lost.

Only those that have been there seem to understand that divorce is worse than a death. At least with death, there is some finality. I find myself happy one minute and sobbing the next. Mourning a lost time, not necessarily a lost relationship. I miss the simplicity of married life. You know the one: Get up, go to work, come home and cook dinner, watch tv, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Things seem harder because Mr. Sign and I remain friends and don't hate each other. Sometimes I think it would be easier to break that 21 year old relationship if we despised each other.

Some of you have asked how I'm doing with my weight. I'm going to be totally honest and let you know that I have regained about 8 pounds. This scares the crap out of me. I know that it's because I have become a stress eater. I am powerless over food. No matter how hard I try to avoid bad foods, the more they seem to call out to me, promising comfort from the evils of the world. The more I worry about eating, the more I want to eat.

Regardless of how bad I know it's going to be, I still weigh myself every day. I spoke with my weight loss surgeon and he assured me that weight gain is normal. In fact, most people gain back at least 20 pounds. I don't want to be that statistic. I am hopeful that with the approach of Spring will come a loss of appetite.

I also struggle with the fact that when I do lose weight, it is usually in my face. I don't like looking gaunt and sickly. I also don't like my big fat rear end. It's kind of a toss up, big butt or super skinny face.

Thank you all for your kind and sincere words. You have no idea how much it means to know that you are there for me during this turbulent time in my life.

I will leave you with a few pictures of the girls and me:

This And That

• We are supposed to get 8 inches of snow by tomorrow. I'm looking at the positive that I will build some arm muscles from all that shoveling.

• The closer I get to going to Vegas, the more excited I am. I plan on living life to the fullest. Hopefully you won't read about me in the papers. On second thought...

• Thanksgiving was a little strange. I feel like I don't fit in with my family anymore. They treat me so differently, but I guess I act differently. How can they know who I am, if I don't even know.

• I'm trying to kill the fat girl in my head, but she just won't die.

• People who didn't know me when I was fat don't believe that I used to weigh 384 pounds. Even after showing them pictures, they still argue that it can't be me in the pictures.

• It's really hard to wrap my head around the fact that I look like I do. I spent 38 years looking different and it's hard to accept my own appearance.
  

• I have hardly eaten for the last 4 days. I have no idea why I have no appetite. It's quite a switch from the last 6 months that I've been ravenous. The only thing I can think of is that I haven't exercised since Wednesday. I'm feeling sloth like and not needing calories.

• I have been bestowed with several early gifts this week (anniversary, early birthday and Christmas). I got a GPS and a new camera.
  

A picture with the new camera:

Hope everyone had a great holiday and got all of their Christmas shopping done!

Overheard

Walking through the mall with my friend, we noticed a kiosk selling body jewelry.

My friend said, "You should get your belly button pierced."

My reply was, "Have you SEEN my belly button?"

Friend, "No."

My retort, "Me neither!"

Hopefully this didn't lose anything in translation.

A Few Things

I thought I would update on a few things that have been happening lately.

First, Mr. Sign and I had our 2 year weight loss surgery doctor appointments. Mr. Sign is still holding steady having lost all of his weight (136 pounds) in the first 6 months. He would like to lose another 25 pounds and plans on doing that. His biggest downfall is that he doesn't keep track of what he eats.

The physician's assistant high fived me when he saw my weight loss. He said that he could tell that I kept track of everything. He was strangely amazed at my progress (a loss of 205 pounds). He said that most people show a gain in the second year after WLS. I'm so happy not to be a statistic. My blood work came back excellent. The only issue I have is that he diagnosed me with Raynaud's Syndrome. This is something I will have to watch closely since I work outside in the winter. This was not a side effect of the surgery.

As most of you know, I have been on a mission to exercise and become more healthy as well as continuing to lose weight. Yesterday I was asked to be interviewed for Heathly and Fit Magazine as a success story. I will be featured in the January issue. (I also had my picture and a quote in Obesity Help magazine, but still have not received a copy.) It's kind of bizarre that people want to hear my story, but I'm very excited to share it. I want to focus on the support group that I head up and the fact that I'm trying hard to motivate everyone to get active.

This brings up the fact that I have become the person that made me want to scream when it comes to exercise. I hated people that talked about the high they got from exercise. I wanted to wring their necks when they jumped around with all their extra energy that they had gained due to exercise. Those people made me feel terrible about myself since I wasn't doing anything to better myself. I hope that I will be able to show people that you can turn your life around and feel better about yourself.

Here We Go Again

This weekend was very social for me. My friend and I went to the bar on Halloween all decked out in our costumes (she was Tina Turner). I cannot begin to tell you how much fun we had nor how drunk I was. I paced myself but when alcohol hits my post gastric bypass bloodstream, it takes very little to do damage. I'm a cheap date.

It was very interesting to see all the different costumes. We met some fun people including our cab driver.

Here we are on our way out:

This guy was hilarious!

Me with the Reno 911 cop:

This guy really looked like Gene Simmons
and his wife was hot too:

I thought this was the best costume of the night, but maybe it's
because I love Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow:

Another Jack Sparrow and Twin Michael Phelps:

This guy was a hoot! He totally played the part.
My friend tried to seduce him:

This next picture lets you know just how drunk I got.
The guy sort of resembled Kid Rock, but I don't really think
he had a costume on:

A Phelps sandwich as we danced, but not on the dance
floor because it was too crowded at this point.

We made it home by 2:30 and had to get up early to go to my first college football game. ( I'll post a few of those pictures soon.)

It's always amazing to watch peoples' inhibitions dissipate while wearing their costumes. We took over 50 pictures. Many were not fit for viewing by the public. Let's just say that I have some under the kilt pictures and everything you've ever heard is true.

Hope you all had a great weekend. I need another day to recuperate from Friday.

2 Years

Two years ago tomorrow (10-25), I went into the operating room believing that if I died, I would be better off. I hated myself for what I had allowed myself to become. I weighed 384 pounds and was completely miserable. I knew that weight loss surgery was my last hope for a healthy life.

Being a 37 year old that could barely climb the stairs to her bedroom makes one learn to take control of her life. My children had only known me as super morbidly obese and had missed out on so much in their won lives because of it.

My life has changed in ways I never dreamed. Here is a list I compiled of things I wanted to do. I've done every one and many more.

I had planned on making a big deal out of this anniversary since I hit my weight loss goal. Unfortunately, because I still don't have my laptop, this will have to suffice for now.

December 2005, my friend Stephanie and me:

Summer 2005 just before I dumped this 350:

The next two pictures were taken by the talented Barman on a beautiful Autumn day:

(if you click on the pictures, it will take you to Photobucket to see the rest)

It took me two hours to post this from the old computer, so I'll try and tweek it a bit when/if I get my laptop back.

So, life is great, but strange at the same time. I'll be partying down this weekend at a Halloween party. I plan on having lots of fun on my special day.

Civic Duty

You would not believe my day! I am on jury duty this week so I left early this morning to get a parking place downtown. Parking places are few and far between.

I jump in my van and turn the key and it turns over but won't catch, like it's not getting gas. I'm thinking, "Awesome! Now what do I do?"

So, I decide that I'll ride my bicycle. I went to the garage to get my bike and couldn't find the lock.

I called daughter #1 who has already left for her first day of her Junior year, but she doesn't answer. When she finally calls back I tell her it's too late.

I've never had to rely on public transportation but at this point I feel I have no other options. I walked to the bus stop and waited 40 minutes but the bus never came. I walked home and tried to start the car again and nothing.

I'm panicked by this time thinking I'm going to jail on a bench warrant. My neighbor sees me but doesn't know who I am because he doesn't recognize me (this is the neighbor that wouldn't talk to me when I was fat, or at least he wouldn't look me in the eye when he did). I'm nearing tears at this point and I beg him to take me downtown. He does and I have 1 minute to spare.

I forgot to mention that my stomach has decided to rebel and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be more than a minute away from a bathroom. This is the price one pays for having her innards rearranged in order to lose weight.

Sitting in a room with a couple of hundred other lucky people made me realize that everyone had some issue with being there but I decide to make the most of it and enjoy the day.

I see this really nice looking guy that seems very friendly. He decided to sit by me in the courtroom. BONUS!!!

12 were chosen so I'm sure I'm off the hook but they decide because it's a criminal case that they want 2 alternates. I end up being juror #14. I made it through voir dire and get to serve on a trial expected to last until next Monday. Joy!

We get to hear opening statements and 3 of the witnesses before they dismiss us for the day.

In the mean time, my step dad has left me 4 messages about the computer at work. I have never had a day off where he hasn't called me *sigh*.

It was way after lunch time so I walk around downtown and get a great Greek salad. I think I'm going to walk home but it's 90 degrees and I'm wearing heels. I pass the bus station and decide to give it a try. There are some real characters there who decide to heckle me a bit, but I handle it well. I've never ridden public transportation in my life. What an experience!

I make it home and decide to try one last time to start the car and the bitch starts!! I'm guessing it was water in the gas. It has happened before. Grrrr...

All of this happened before 2 o'clock. I am afraid for what the rest of the day holds for me.

Skin Issues

Herein lies my biggest issue of the moment:

I'm Totally Mental!

***WARNING!! This post contains pictures of me in my underwear before I had surgery. It's not a pretty sight. You have been warned***

Remember Ed Grimley? I must say, I'm totally mental! I've been searching my brain for some answers about who and what I am. Soul searching, some might call it. It could be my age as I near the big 4-0 or it could be the fact that I'm a completely different person than I was two years ago, both mentally and physically.

I cannot convince myself that I'm okay at the weight I am. I still want to keep going because I was thinking that I needed to be closer to 150 pounds. I had an epiphany after my oldest daughter poked me on the bone that was protruding from my shoulder and said, "Your bones are popping out all over, Mom. That's disgusting!"

Her comment got me thinking about the fact that I weigh around 180 pounds, but a plastic surgeon guestimates that the excess skin I have is about 25 pounds. That puts my weight at 155 pounds. How crazy is that?

The comment also got me to thinking that my girls are having a hard time dealing with the new me and all of the attention weight loss is bringing me. I know it's hard on their evolving self images. I remind them that I had weight loss surgery because I wanted to be healthy and be able to participate in life with them, not for vanity purposes.

Back to the skin issue. I thought I wouldn't have a real problem with excessive skin. After all, skin is better than fat. I've started building muscle underneath the skin and that makes me ill to look at. I work out as hard as I possibly can, trying to make the skin go away.

I really don't have nearly the issues that most people who lose over 200 pounds do. Some have skin that hangs nearly to their knees. I know I am very fortunate, but it still bothers me to know that if I had it removed, my stomach would be completely flat.

The biggest problem lies in that I would need to have my stomach, arms, breasts and thighs done. This would cost big money that I don't have. I also don't have the time to take to recover from this kind of surgery.

I cannot believe I'm posting this picture,
but this is exactly what I looked like before surgery
(it doesn't get any worse than this, folks):

This is what I'm left with after losing 202 pounds:

My brain only sees the hanging skin that is left. I thought that after losing this much weight I would be able to look down and be happy with my body. This is not the case.
I'm working on learning to deal with the aftermath of super morbid obesity on my body and psyche. (I may need help coming to terms with the fact that I posted this before picture, ugh!)

Thursday Portrait

Ladies, have you ever had one of those days where you rethink your wardrobe, but it's too late because you are already on your way to work? Yesterday was one of those for me. I found a really cutastic (borrowed from Big Pissy) tank top really cheap. It fits me like a glove everywhere but the bust. Let's just say, I'm busting out of it, pun intended. Luckily, I had a hoodie that matched and I ended up wearing it in the 90 degree heat. Every man I came across wanted to know why I was dressed for winter. How could I explain that it was because the girls were hanging out?

Anywho, here is a picture that doesn't really show the severity of my boob faux pas:



I had the weirdest conversation with my step dad who is also my boss. He claims now to know everything about super morbidly obese people. *eye roll*. I let him know that he would never know what life was like until he had doors slammed in his face, was invisible and publicly ridiculed on a daily basis.

I explained that I'm still the same person inside, just different outside, only now, people want to talk to me because I'm not crazy fat. He claims that I am different now. I guess I agree, but only because people treat me differently now and that makes life much easier and tends to change one's outlook.

I was looking at pictures from a year ago and was startled to see how much I have changed physically.

Here is a picture taken last year with G-Man, me and Barman on July 4th:

Pretty crazy huh? I guess I really couldn't see the changes until I saw the difference, even since last year.

I Am A Loser

When I started my weight loss journey, I was happy with the thought of weighing less than 300 pounds. I sheepishly set my goal and was quite sure I'd never see it. As the weight started to drop, I became more optimistic that I'd weigh somewhere in the low 200's. For most people, that sounds like a lot to weigh, but when you started at 384 pounds, that's a reasonable goal.

Most of you know that I've been working out voraciously. I pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of, pushing through the pain. I was beginning to believe it was all for naught. I couldn't seem to get the scale to move, nor get my inches down. Something told me to stick with it.

Imagine my surprise and excitement when I got on the scale this morning to see this:


In case you are not a math wizard, that is a loss of 200 pounds!! Woo hoo!! My BMI (Body Mass Index) started at 62% and is currently 29.7% which means that I am no longer super morbidly obese. I'm just overweight. Can you tell I'm jumping up and down?!?!

I continue to be amazed at what I can accomplish. When I see something I want to attain, I'm going to go at it for all I'm worth. This has been the most incredible journey to finding out what I'm really made of.

Where Do I Fit?

My place in this world used to be as the fat girl with the cute face who had to work really hard to make people like me. I had to be the funniest, most outgoing and nicest person in the room. I knew how to work the crowd. I was non threatening to most women.

I've noticed that people aren't always as friendly to me since I've lost weight. Let me narrow "people" down to females since men don't seem to have issues with me. An example of this happened Friday night. Mr. Sign and I went to a going away party at a sports bar for a friend who works for a hospital so there were nurses, aides and doctors there. We sat at a table close to the friend and had two empty seats next to us. When a couple came in, I invited them to sit with us. The man, who was a surgeon took me up on my offer. His wife chose to sit at a table by herself. Why would anyone want to sit alone at a table at a party? I was put off but continued to be friendly and smiling. A new person came in and she also decided not to sit with us and really wouldn't even converse with me. We didn't stay much longer after that.

Yesterday I attended a weight loss surgery seminar with a friend. We were sitting all alone at a giant table so I invited a woman to sit with us. She begrudgingly accepted but didn't really speak with me. Twice when I returned from the restroom, this woman was in deep conversation with my friend but immediately stopped talking as soon as I sat down. She ended up leaving and never did speak to me.

Several months ago when I was at a bar with some friends, we were waiting for a taxi and struck up conversation with several men about our age. One of the men told me that he had been watching me all night. I asked him why he never spoke to me. He flat out told me that I'm unapproachable. I was flabbergasted.

I explained what has been happening to me to the friend who attended the weight loss seminar. She asked me if I thought I maybe this was my problem and not others'. This got me to thinking, which is always trouble.

I've been saying that even though my outsides have changed, my insides are still the same. But are they really? How can I not change how I react and behave when people treat me differently? I don't work nearly as hard at trying to get people to like me because I don't feel I have to. People are no longer staring at me and judging me based on my weight. But, they still judge me.

People with blue eyes and blond hair are judged. Some people feel that blonds have it made because of their looks and the attention they receive based on their looks. I guess it's true to some extent.

I really have no idea where I fit in in this world. I'm still a fat girl in my head. I have no concept of my actual physical self. I'm just as self conscience as I was at 384 pounds. I've read that it takes a person who has lost a considerable amount of weight 5 years for their brain to come to terms with their new physical being. Does this mean I have 3.5 years of not knowing where I fit in?