A N X I E T Y !

The word anxiety used to make me smirk. I thought people who had anxiety and panic attacks could control it if they tried. I saw it as a weakness, never dreaming that I'd become one of the inflicted. My theory about why it waited so long to enter my life is that I have been so wrapped up in keeping everything perfectly together that eventually the burden on my shoulders became too much and smashed me down hard.

Luckily for me, the counselor I've been seeing has helped me begin to learn ways of controlling anxiety. I've had trouble lately though. I haven't been sleeping well. I tell myself in the morning that I'll try to sleep a little longer (both of my jobs are flexible with hours). The problem comes when my brain makes me feel like I don't deserve to sleep. "Get up, you slob! You've got too much to do to be lazing around." says my noggin. Why don't I deserve precious sleep? I feel worthless when I'm not trying to accomplish something.

My life isn't as depressing as I'm making it sound. It just feels like it's on hold. Like I have no goals. People keep asking me about my goals. For the past 21 years, my goal has been to see that my 2 daughters graduate from college and become productive members of society. We're on our way to that. The oldest is almost 21 and in her 4th year in college. The youngest will be a Senior in high school. So, I guess after next year, I need to find some new goals. People keep telling me to go back to school. Maybe someday I will but for now, I know too many well educated people without jobs. I'll keep my low paying jobs because I love what I do.

More Bullets

• I was getting my free pair of Victoria's Secret underwear, when a woman told me that she hated the style of underwear I was getting. She said that I liked them because I was "older". Grrr...

• A friend made me laugh so hard yesterday that I almost wet my pants.

• I love laughing so hard that you have tears streaming down your face.

• Why do I always have to work outside when it's freezing?

• The holidays are making me ambivalent.

• My electric blanket is all I think about all day long.
  

• Walking in 29 F weather yesterday felt invigorating.

• Raspberry flavoring is one of my favorites, however I can't stand real raspberries because of the seeds.

• I am completely addicted to Face Book.

• Driving on black ice yesterday made me remember who is in control and it was not me.

• I am a very spiritual person, however I have no use for religion.

• My life is moving at the speed of light and yet I feel like I'm standing still sometimes.

Predicament

Sometimes I have to stop and wonder how I get myself into stupid situations. Today was one of the best examples.

Our area has received over 6 inches of rain in the past couple of days. Thank you, Ike. The rivers crested today several feet above flood levels. The park where I walk is surrounded by rivers and as I drove there today, I could see that Mother Nature had bequested her wrath on our city.

I have some issues when it comes to challenging myself. I try to do something every day that scares me. Today was no exception. I threw caution to the wind as I started on my walk. Water was over the path just beyond the parking lot but I was able to easily get around it.

The amount that the river had risen was amazing. It was hard to tell where the river banks had once been as the water spilled over. I was easily a mile and a half from my car when I noticed more water where there was no way around it. I decided that it wasn't going to kill me if I got my feet a little wet. The water was only a few inches deep as I began to wade through it. A few inches quickly became twelve and then went above my knees. I was positive that the water would not get any deeper so I stayed the course.

I hadn't paid attention to how far I had walked until I looked back across the water. I took notice of where the path ahead of me had once been. The water got deeper, almost reaching my special girl parts. This is when I panicked. All thoughts went to the fact that flood waters always mix with raw sewage. My skin began to crawl. I am a major germophobe (I buy hand sanitizer by the gallon).

Somewhere, there is a path where I used to walk:

At this point, I became painfully aware of how people drown in floods. The current was tugging on my soaking pants as logs banged into my legs. I am an excellent swimmer but my biggest concern was that I was going to get my cell phone wet. I had to calm myself down as I took a break from walking. Water was everywhere around me and I could no longer tell where the path had been. I almost cried when I got over the bridge that I was sure would be dry on the other side. All I could see was water.


I took out my phone and tried to keep myself from calling for help but quickly realized that I was the idiot that put myself in this situation. How stupid was I going to look?

I had this brilliant idea that I would climb this gigantic hill to get out of the water. I knew that the cemetery was up there. I pulled myself up and made it out of the water and didn't even fall.

I walked back, passing several joggers as my shoes squished. They gave me the strangest looks when they saw that my pants were wet all the way to my hoo ha.

From now on, I will heed all flood warnings and steer clear of Mother Nature. My mother warned me about getting in the water before I left. I guess mothers are pretty smart when it comes to these things, myself not included.

More Wild Weekend

Here we have my friend's mom on the left, her cousin from San Antonio, my friend and me at a wine tasting. It only takes 5 tastes and I'm half in the bag. I can't believe how hard wine hits my system. It was fun none the less.



The rest of the pictures I took were mostly of her new house and her work friends.

Today, I was walking my usual path in my most favorite places in the woods.

(this is me walking today)

I realized quickly that my body had decided to get rid of the fluids that didn't want to let go of from the weekend. I was at least 1.5 miles from the bathrooms so I looked around for a private place to go. I found a private place, but it was filled with so many mosquitoes that I decided I didn't want to risk having my butt swell from all the bites.

I took off across the woods and made it to the bathroom in the nick of time. Two guys were on the roof fixing some damage done by last week's storms. I was worried that they would be able to see me in the bathroom because there were sky lights that are above the toilet areas. I decided that my bladder could no longer wait.

I glanced at the sign across the building and decided that it read Men's Room and headed the other direction. I did my business and left the stall to wash my hands, only to find a man standing at the sink. I immediately realized that I was in the wrong restroom. I stated this to him and he just smiled a huge grin at me and I literally ran out, three shades of red darker. I'm thinking glasses are on the horizon for this nearly 40 year old. *sigh*

So, if you are looking to meet new people, use the other sex's restroom.

OCD or Obsessions?

I have some major issues with things. I'm going to list them here:

• Money must be put in my wallet (or pocket) facing the same direction with the denominations going from smallest to largest. I can't handle backward upside down money all willy nilly in my presence.

• The transfer tape at work must be arranged in order of size from smallest to largest.

• The vinyl must be organized by color families at work.

• Clothes must all hang on hangers facing the same direction (left) arranged by color and sleeve length.

• Folded clothes must also be folded in the same direction.
  

• The toilet seat must always be down. I don't care if the lid isn't closed. I'm not a total freak.

• I have to eat cheese popcorn with a spoon so that my fingers don't turn orange.

• White clothes must always have bleach added to the laundry.

• I weigh myself at least 4 times a day.
  

• The first thing I have to do when I come home is wash my hands and I use anti bacterial gel in my car after every place I go. I can't handle the thought of other peoples' germs crawling around on me. My germs are ok though.

• I touch nothing with my hands in bathrooms. I open doors and turn off the water using paper towels and flush with my foot.
  

• Documenting what I eat has become an obsession.

These are just a few that I can think of. Do you have any "crazy" things that make you insane?

Getting To Know Me...Pt. Deux

I was inspired by Flash to write another 100 things (even though I never made it to 100). I'm not sure I can pull off any more but here goes:

1. I hate dirty kitchens and bathrooms. I can handle grossness anywhere but in those two rooms.

2. On the same note, I cannot use a microwave unless it is spotless.

3. I love to bake and am good at it.

4. I am not a gourmet cook. I love cooking "down home" meals.

5. I used to paint with oil paints. I haven't done it in years.

6. When sleeping, I can't stand to have any clothes on. I can't move around like I like to.

7. I use many blankets to keep me warm at night.

8. Windows stay open in my bedroom at night even in below zero temps. I can't stand being hot at night.

9. Since losing 176 pounds, I am freezing my butt off during the day.

10. I have taken to wearing 3 shirts to work to keep warm.

11. I went over a year without eating refined sugar. I had to eat a piece of candy corn so I could say I had tried sugar. It was taking up too much of my thoughts.

12. I haven't had caffeine or soda pop since October 11, 2006.

13. My ideal day is walking in the woods alone enjoying the beauty of nature.

14. I grew up in the country and considered myself a country girl until recently.

15. The city is my home because I love the convenience.

16. I took four years of French in high school but can't speak it much.

17. I received the foreign language award my senior year of high school which is kind of ironic given #16.

18. Being tagged for a blog meme makes me insane.

19. I hate being told what to do.

20. I'm told that sometimes I give too much of myself and it's never reciprocated.

21. Since losing so much weight, I am less worried about what people think of me.

22. Everyday, I work on my self confidence.

23. I love almost everything about my job.

24. Being creative doesn't always come naturally to me. Sometimes I have to think about something for days.

25. I am starting to enjoy my body.

26. I lost my virginity when I was 19.

27. I value people, not things.

28. My goals in life are based on people rather than material items.

29. I am very frugal when it comes to spending money on myself.

30. Luckily for me, my mother buys most of my clothes. She knows I won't do it for myself.

31. I cannot stand country music. Johnny Cash is the only exception.

32. I'm really into techno music because I love to be hypnotized by it.

33. I was able to check another item off my "before I die" list when I rode the mechanical bull this past weekend.

34. I love to clean but I hate to pick up before cleaning.

35. At one time, I was cleaning 12 houses a week to make money as a stay at home mom. I did them all when Mr. Sign could stay home with the girls.

36. The shortest length of time I worked a job was 4 hours. I was delivering pizzas.

37. I consider myself a jack of all trades having worked in farming, accounting, insurance and retail.

38. A year ago, I quit selling for the leading kitchen "at home party" company. I sold for them for 9 years.

39. I have awesome kitchen tools because of this experience and have trouble cooking without them.

40. That company allowed me to gain confidence in speaking in public.

41. I earned many trips from this company including: Washington D.C., San Antonio,Chicago, St. Louis and many more.

42. Chicago is my favorite city of any I've ever been to, including Paris.

43. I like the "mid-westernness" of Chicago.

44. I never knew I lived in the mid west until I was in high school. I thought Michigan should be considered "East".

45. I don't like many seasonings on my food. I like to taste the actual food I'm eating.

46. I hate that the word "actually" has replaced the word "like".

47. Actually, I use the word too much.

48. I still feel like I'm 15 years old in my head.

49. I used to think I could live alone in the wilderness. Now I'm not sure I'd want to.

50. People tell me I was born 100 years too late.

51. That may have been the case a few years ago, but now I'm too attached to technology.

52. Every day, I worry that I'm not a good mother.

53. My eating habits have become strange in the last year (ask G-Man).

54. I'm petrified that my kids will end up abusing drugs or alcohol.

55. I try to listen more than I talk but don't always do so well.

56. I am enjoying freedom for the first time in 10 years because I'm done with the PTA.

57. At the same time, I'm sad that I won't see the kids anymore.

58. Sometimes I make myself angry for not being more thoughtful.

59. I hate being in a car with locked doors. I was in an accident as a teen and was blocked in. I had to have the jaws of life pry me out.

60. Often, I have great ideas in my head, but can't articulate them well.

61. I worry that because things are going well, it's all going to come crashing down.

62. Hopefully, in a month, I will weigh less than 200 pounds for the first time since 1989.

63. Even though I'm not tall (5'6"), I can carry weight well. I looked good at 180 pounds.

64. I know that some people will always be disgusted with me because I was super morbidly obese, even after I lose the weight.

65. Nature amazes me every single day.

66. I learn something new on the computer every day.

67. I worry that I'm not intelligent.

68. I enjoy being around smart people, but hate being looked down upon.

69. I hate that some people think they are intelligent because they have a college degree. One of the smartest people I know, barely graduated from high school.

70. Mr. Sign bugs me every day to go back to school. I worry that I can't cut it, so I don't.

71. I have suffered from migraines since I was about 5 years old. As a child, I would get them so bad that I would pass out.

72. I've only had one migraine since I had weight loss surgery. Most of my episodes revolved around bad eating habits and barometric pressure.

73. I have nearly died 5 times. Once from a car accident, electrocution, an ear infection and twice from pregnancy.

74. I was told to never have any more children because I would die.

75. I love girls and most days I'm happy I had two.

76. If I had had a boy, I'm not sure I would have known what to do with him.

77. I miss my paternal grandmother every single day.

78. December is my favorite month. Our anniversary, my birthday, Christmas and New Years all fall within it. It's one solid month of partying.

79. I feel bad that I never asked my grandmother about her family before she died.

80. I'm happy that my breasts haven't shrunk to raisin size with weight loss. In the same sense, I'm happy I won't have to have a reduction.

81. Even though I blog about my life, most of you know very little about me.

82. Even though I'm very happy with Mr. Sign, I'm sad that I never got to sew my wild oats.

83. I love to flirt because it makes both parties feel good.

84. In new situations, I'm usually very shy.

85. Staying home is enjoyable to me.

86. I have many friends but sometimes forget to make an effort to keep them.

87. I cannot function well if I don't take a shower every day.

88. I love my teeth but hate brushing them (I still do it).

89. I had a palate expander in the roof of my mouth as a teenager. My mother had to turn the key 5 turns twice a day. She had to do it because I would pass out from the pressure every time. (Now orthodontists know that you don't have to be that extreme with treatment. My daughter only had to turn hers one turn, once a day).

90. I hated having braces and fought with my parents about getting them. I'm glad they won.

91. When I was a little girl, I loved being with my dad and was always holding his hand. He worked 2nd shift and I would get up at 1:30 am every night to sit on his lap while he read the paper. I fell asleep and he had to put me back to bed.

92. When I was 5, a friend and I locked ourselves in my mom's car and smoked an entire carton (not a pack) of cigarettes. We also got the spanking of our lives.

93. Almost everyone in my family smoked at one time or another. All of them have quit for more than 20 years.

94. I was never a smoker (unless you count that carton above).

95. The worst side effect I've had from weight loss surgery is loss of hair.

96. Well, I have a few issues after having my gall bladder removed.

97. Weight loss surgery is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

98. I don't dwell on what I can't have, I focus on what I can.

99. I'm winning the battle against my father's negativity. It's taken me years to do that.

100. Blogging has changed my life. It's given me the courage to do things I wouldn't have done and allowed me a place to put my thoughts.

Whew! I can't believe I made it. I'm not sure any of you will make it through that list. It was therapeutic and you should all try it.

911 Is A Joke In Your Town

Tonight, I was on my way home heading off the freeway. I was stopped at a light and could see a man walking in the lane I was driving in. When the light changed, I couldn't get into the other lane to avoid the man who was now barely able to walk. He was bobbing and weaving. I had to stop completely so I didn't hit him.

The man, a young Asian with silver front teeth, continued to walk toward my stopped car. He ended up laying across the front of my hood. It looked like I had hit him. Luckily, there were witnesses to prove I didn't.

By this time, I was on the phone to 911. Two men stopped and helped get the guy off my car, but the man was on the pavement in front of it so I couldn't leave. An off duty paramedic stopped and tried to pull the guy over to the side of the road.


I had the presence of mind to take a picture with my phone. The things I do to entertain you guys! The paramedic is dragging the man by the back of his pants.




The man got belligerent so the men had to hold him down. He gave some sob story about fighting with a girlfriend and that he was going to hitchhike somewhere (I could barely understand him since he was speaking a combination of languages).

This picture is bad because one of the two guys that was helping wouldn't move. I was trying to be inconspicuous with my picture taking but people were starting to stare at me for being rude.




Finally, ten minutes later, the police arrived with a fire truck not far behind. For some stupid reason, our great city always sends a fire truck to all calls. Not a paramedics truck, a full sized fire truck. I guess they could have hosed the guy down.

The policeman asked me to move my car since it was blocking traffic. I asked him if I needed to give a statement and he told me no so I motored out of that fiasco.

And how was your day?

Compliments Are Painful

My parents (who I work for) took the girls up north (that's the upper peninsula of Michigan) last week. This means that I worked alone.

I had to put some Department of Transportation (DOT) numbers on some semis for an oil company. When I got to the site, there were four men finishing up working. I told them what I needed to do. All four of the guys decided to sit and watch me work. One of them asked if I charged extra to have them watch. I felt weird knowing they were all standing behind me staring at my ass. I'm just not used to this kind of attention.

I've spent the last 15 years (or more) hiding myself, or so I thought, away from the grueling public eye. People are mean and mean people suck!

Compliments have always bothered me in more ways than one. First, I don't know how to accept one without putting myself down. An example of this is that someone will say that I look great. My response is always, "I have so far to go" which is a dumb thing for me to say because I really only have about 60 pounds more I'd like to lose. That's not so much when you consider that I needed to lose 200 pounds at the beginning of my journey.

I often feel guilty for letting my happiness be based on how others are viewing me physically. This weekend brought two different couples to our home that hadn't seen us since before surgery. Both of them were completely flabbergasted by our appearance. Neither of them could believe the difference and I believed them based on the looks on their faces. It felt really good to know that we had made such a drastic change in our lives and that it had made a difference. On the other hand, I'm thinking about how hideous we were in our former fatter selves.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wrap my head around all this physical image stuff. It's nice to know that I look better, but that's not why I had my guts rearranged. I did it so I could enjoy life and be a better mother. I guess I win both ways, but I'm still not sure I like all the attention. What am I saying? Yes I do! I've worked my ass off, literally and I'm going to try enjoy this crazy ride.

~edit~I was interviewed (I think everyone in the blogosphere was). You can read it here.

Stupid Stuff

I'm a crispy critter. I got sunburned on my back today while the girls and I assembled the pool. That was a lot of work. I'll have to get pictures of it. It's awesome!

This weekend is going to be crazy. My first cousin is getting married on Saturday and Mr. Sign and I are the cake cutters. Too funny that neither of us will be able to get a taste, of the cake, that is *insert evil grin*.

Sunday we have a family reunion. Blech! Our family puts it on since my grandparents have a huge pavilion and pond. I'll have to deal with all the people I'd rather not see for 10 more years. All the old people want to have it every year in case someone dies. Whatever!

Great Aunt Betty will be there. I saw her this week at a restaurant. She wanted to know if I was only losing weight in my face. I said, "Yes, I've lost 135 pounds in my face. Can you tell?"

Speaking of stupid things people say to me, I was walking last night when I came upon a group of my neighbors. One of them is a 55 year old guy who wouldn't look me in the eye when he talked to me when I was fatter. He yelled, "You must be having lots of fun!" I asked why that would be. He said, "Because you are a blonde now." Two of my other neighbors let him know I'd always been blonde. Dumb ass!!! I guess it's ok to look at me now that I'm not going to give him the fat curse. Actually, I did give him the curse because he's gained about 25 pounds, hehe!